playing dress up

To lighten up the gloomy mood of my prior post, lets play dress up shall we? I haven't done all that much role playing in the bedroom but I think its something I could definitely get into more. I do have a few costumes I like to bring out now and then for photos, playtime and such.

Between my beer girl and my fairy costume, the beer girl one is easier to play in and is much more comfy (damn those fairy wings) but I love both of them because they're so different. Mr. Man is quite fond of either and if it were up to him, I'd have a closet full of costumes to play in! Maybe I can add to my collection soon.

And so, I give you Bella as Fairy....

And Bella as German Beer Girl....

Have a preference?

Goodnight.
xoxo,
Bella

Searching but not finding

Its a solitary kind of day. Dreary outside. Dreary inside. I can feel this blanket of ickiness about to cover me up again. Hmm, that might be a good band name..."Blanket of Ickiness".

No news on the job front. I don't know what to do. Saying that I'm at a loss is so cliche & yet, that's exactly what I am. Sometimes cliches serve their purpose quite well. Yesterday I sat at my desk looking busy to whoever passed by my door but in reality, I did nothing productive all day. Complete waste of mine & the company's time. I'm way beyond burn out. And yet I'm stuck here for the childcare & the insurance. If it wasn't so pathetic it'd be funny. Almost.

My head is full of "ifs".

If I hadn't grew up in near poverty, I wouldn't have scrambled to get the degree that would be most likely to secure me with a good paying job. I might have listened to my heart more than my head.

If I didn't have a child to care for I would be more free to escape this place & its cursed insurance benefits & retirement plans. And yet, I was working here way before kiddo came along so that logic doesn't fly.

If I wasn't so negative minded I would better appreciate & focus on the great things in my life rather than the bad. I think this & then counter it in my head with "yeah but you spend over 8 hours a day at a place you hate, no wonder the good is overshadowed". Or "you're so pathetic, you are so fortunate & lucky in so many ways, how dare you be depressed because you don't like your good paying, stable job, you fucking ungrateful bitch". And so I feel worse for feeling sorry for myself when logically, I shouldn't. Its a mental wrangling of how I really feel vs how I think I should feel; a constant battle in my brain. Right now I'm losing it. So to speak.

If I knew what I wanted to be when I grow up, I'd like to think that I could come up with some kind of plan, a strategy, anything to pull me up & out of this place I find myself loathing even before I step in the door.

But, rather than sooth me, (& really, why should they?), all of those ifs continue to swirl around in my head. Confusing me & causing me to falter somewhere between desperation & apathy every day.

I used to have dreams of traveling the world, of being a writer, joining the PeaceCorps, many dreams. I've lost all of that. Now I just want out of where I am. This saddens me more than anything.

I just want to be happy. I just want to be content. I just want to find some sort of peace with myself. Do I even have that capability? Not to just find short spurts of sporadic joy, but to be content with my lot in life or at least with the steps I'm trying to take to improve it? Why does that elude me so?

xoxo,
Bella

stuff 'n things

It's a funny thing, this blogging thing I mean. Sometimes I want to pour every naked detail of my life onto the screen here and sometimes I want to stay completely shut down and closed off. Usually, I do something in between the two extremes.

Tonight is no different. I have nothing especially specific to say but want to vent somewhat, share a few things, withhold others.

First, some sexy stuff...Mr. Man had quite the adventure over the weekend with a new friend. He gave me permission to post about it but I promised him I'd let him approve the post first. So any details about that will have to wait until I put it down for him to read. Let's just say it's Penthouse Letters worthy. Steamy. It was interesting, not just for the erotic-ness of it, but for the emotions it brought out as well. And I'm stopping now so as not to overstep bounds.

I had some killa phone sex with Mr. Jr. High last night. He's so unpredictable in that he is equal parts frustrating and intriguing. He popped up online tempting me, daring me to call him if I was "up to it". I refused, making up some lame work excuse because I wasn't in the mood. I hopped into bed and grabbed my vibrator just for the hell of it and got nothing. I was not into it at all. So I gave up, took a picture of my boobs and texted it to him as a goodnight message. (everyone does that when they can't sleep isn't it? sends nekkid pics of themselves to people, right? humor me.) Then of course, he starts in on trying to get me to call him, says some pretty intense stuff to me that gets my juices flowing, so to speak. I call and we have the best phone sex so far. We end our session with brief discussion about getting together in real life. I've discussed this with Mr. Man and the option is there if I want to go there. We shall see what happens. For now, I'm fine with keeping my "relationship" with Mr. Jr. High confined to the phone but its nice to have the option if I decide to take it there. One quirk, Mr. Jr. High doesn't know that Mr. Man and I are in an open marriage. Would it be dishonest not to tell him if it got physical? I hesitate to tell him because he knows my family and my entire circle of real life friends back home and I don't want those people to know about our arrangement. But its not much better (if any) for people to think I'm cheating on my husband either. And maybe I don't trust him not to "tell on me". Anyway, I haven't thought all this stuff through but I don't like the possible complications of it all. I just wanna fuck. Simple.

Jake has gone a bit cold again. Simply meaning that there hasn't been any follow up to our text conversation from the weekend. Which is still searing my brain and ended with him saying he would get another day off of work and we'd try once again to hook up. Among other things, he asked if this would be a one time deal or if it would be an ongoing thing. I drunkenly replied that he could fuck me whenever he wanted to. Which is of course, easy to say when your drinking but in reality, that would depend on what happened at the first encounter. I think he knows that but for some reason, this weekend he seemed more willing to ask me all kinds of questions and say certain things to me that he usually doesn't. Hard to explain and again, damn people, I just wanna fuck and not get all complicated with the over analyzing. Is that too much to ask?Anyway, he is aware that I'm in an open marriage so that is a mute point with him.

Yikes, looks like I've rambled on and on here. That was not my intent but there ya go. And I never even got around to the normal, non-sexual stuff I was going to write. Oh well. Another time. I think I'm out for the night.

Goodnight.

xoxo,
Bella

quickie

Just popping in to say hi to the internets I guess. I signed into Blogger a couple of nights ago, clicked on Google Reader and was overwhelmed by the hundreds of posts I wanted to catch up on. I think I got through about half of them before stopping. You guys write so many intriguing and stimulating things that I'll never be at a loss for interesting reading material!

Its been a sexy weekend. I think I had the orgasm of my life last night. It left my entire body spent and tingling. Much wine was consumed, porn played on the tv, random drunk text messages were sent.

It seems Jake and I had quite the interesting sexy conversation during my Friday night escapade. But then, we often do and then don't talk for several days, so I take these exchanges with the proverbial grain of salt. I did happen to mention this blog to him and his moniker here. Of course, he wanted the address which I didn't give. He's curious now and I'm not sure how I feel about that. But its not like I've talked about him all that much here so whatever. Anyway, he continues to elude me. For now.

Have a great evening.
Goodnight.
xoxo,
Bella

eye see you

Today was....interesting...hot...new territory...lets just say there were ropes involved...lots of ropes...and I'm intrigued and incredibly turned on by it all.

But for now, I leave you with...

my eye...

I really like the non-cropped version of this picture. I'm sucking Mr. Man's cock and wearing my beer girl costume and I just like how that moment is captured in the click of the camera. But I have this annoying thing about showing too much of my face on this blog because of my "other" life. Besides, a little mystery can't be a bad thing right? So, like I said...here's my eye...

It's been a while but sometimes Mr. Man will sing Van Morrison's "Brown Eyed Girl" to me and it always makes me swoon.

Thanks for stopping by. Have a great weekend all.

Goodnight.

xoxo,

Bella

blank

I can't seem to find words to post the last few days. I've been blogging a bit more elsewhere but I just don't have much to say here right now. I'm actually ok with that and don't want to feel like I have to force anything. If you're not feelin' it, you're just not feelin' it.

I'm planning a trip to New York in a few months and perhaps a few long weekend trips as well. It does me good to get away from here on a regular basis. I'm longing for some alone time as well, even if its just at home in an empty house. Somewhere to be quiet, secluded. Just me and my book and journal. Bliss.

For now, I'll retire between warm cotton sheets.

Goodnight.
xoxo,
Bella

its another saturday night

and I aint got nobody...which is not true, as Mr. Man is waiting in the other room to pour me some wine and have some cuddle time. Its been a lovely day, weatherwise and otherwise. No complaints here. I'm not sure why I'm even online now, except that it's a habit I've developed to either do a brain dump here or on my other blog, depending on my mood. And I have no idea why I feel the need to "check in" with the internets anyway. I'll just chalk it up to one of my many quirks and move along.

I bought some new "wifebeaters", "a-shirts", whatever you want to call them today. To me, there's not much sexier than a woman in one of those shirts sans bra, and a tight pair of jeans. Other than that, the other fun thing I did today was eat a lot of chocolate malted eggs. Damn Easter bunny.

And right now I think I'll move along to that glass of wine and some kisses for my man. Have a great Easter, if that's your thing.

Goodnight.
xoxo,
Bella

submissive mood. handcuff series