i should write while drinking more often

So, I'm on my second HUGE glass of Moscato and decided to sign in. Wise? Probably not, but you are all safe for now. When I say I'm on # 3, then things might get interesting so stay tuned. Mr. Man and I aren't going out tonight, we never do on NYE, even before kiddo came along. I've always wanted to though. But I've always wanted a lot of things.

I'll be honest, today was tough. The ex, (let's call him Sean. Not his real name but it popped in my head so go with it) ran the race I was supposed to be in today and he picked up my t-shirt for me. Sweet right? Its probably bad karma to wear a t-shirt from a race you didn't run but I've decided that karma can bite my ass this year.

Sean and I are planning to have lunch next week to catch up on each others lives. He's a great guy and has done very well for himself and his family, financially anyway. But money isn't everything. From what I've gathered so far, he's been in a very bad marriage for a very long time. And stays in it for the kids as many tend to do. I feel so fortunate to have been raised in a stable home and to be raising my kiddo in one as well. (yeah yeah, an argument can be made that I'm not stable. shut up).

Anyway, I'm not sure how much I'll write about him although I do want to. I was with him at a vulnerable time in my life and was really trying to find my way. Still am its true but wow, I was a completely lost puppy back in those days. He was always a gentleman and treated me perfectly. But there were other people involved on both sides messing up the equation blah blah blah. Stupid kid stuff. Regardless of that, I didn't love him so it didn't matter. And holy hell, now I'm rambling.

It's time to sign off now because I'm about to seduce my sexy husband (who is immersed in a book) as I hobble to the fridge for glass # 3. I love him so much. This aircast gives my booty an extra wiggle when I walk and I plan to use that to its fullest advantage.

xoxox,
Bella

tears, sitters & reconnecting

I am a mess today. This week actually. I've injured my foot and am having to wear a boot and am not able to run for no telling how long. I'm missing a race on New Year's Eve that I was looking forward to very much and my half marathon training is taking a major hit. I'm afraid I'm going to lose all my progress and gain a bunch of weight that I don't need.

That's triggered a bunch of emotional shit that I am not dealing with very well.

Its no secret that I don't handle stress in a constructive manner. The post holiday funk has set in and there's some work stress and the usual mommy stress. I go through these weird cycles of confidence and this is one of my low points I guess. I like to think of myself as a strong person but the truth is that I'm not and envy those who are. I can only fake it so much until the point comes where I fall apart and cry in bed at night when I should be trying to pull myself up. God, did I mention I'm a mess? Oh yeah, first sentence.Where are my meds dammit?

Let's see...what else...oh...

This is random but the most bizarre thing happened the other day as I was standing in line to pick up my race packet for the 5K that I can't run (I'm not bitter, can you tell?). I ran into an old college boyfriend I hadn't seen in about 12 years. It was surreal. I'd always wondered what happened to him and hopefully we can stay in touch this time.

Also random, Mr. Man and I are working on finding a babysitter on a more regular basis so that we can have some couple time. That is severely lacking. We have to make it a priority and I haven't been very good at it lately. He deserves better than I've been giving him.

And with that, I'm finito.

xoxo,
Bella

Joyeuses fêtes!

That is how you say "happy holidays" in French, right? Whatever it means, everything just sounds better in French.

I'd like to take some new photos. Maybe that will be a project for one of the days I'm off next week. But tonight I like this one from several months ago. I feel very Carmen Sandiego in this coat.

It's holiday madness around here as I'm sure it is for many of you. And we only have one child and don't have that many/aren't all that close to our families so I can't imagine the craziness that is happening in larger, more closely-knit households. But despite the busyness, its a fun time and I wouldn't trade it for anything.

I wish all of you a lovely holiday and hope that you ring in the new year with great sexiness and style.

xoxo,
Bella

knowing what I need

I love my husband. I probably don't say that enough here. He is so patient with crazy unpredictable me. Its amazing that he's still sane actually.

I mentioned that my sex drive and interest has been MIA lately. But last night he knew what I wanted and needed because he knows me so well. I initiated with a picture texted to him of my freshly shaved self and soon we were naked in bed together. (If you aren't sexting with your spouse/partner you are missing out) We cuddled for a bit and then he did that thing he does. Fingers grazing my back, the top of my ass. Just the right amount of pressure, the perfect amount of stroking in all the right places. It always makes me squirm and relax. Its the type of touching that can only come from years together learning each others bodies, knowing the exact thing to do to pleasure the other.

The sex that came next was great but what I keep replaying in my head the day after is when he whispered "I love you" in my ear as I was on top of him. That is just what I needed at that moment. There are many times we fuck and dirty talk about other people to each other, verbalizing our fantasies to increase the heat. But many times I just want it to be the two of us in that bed, even mentally. To know that I'm still the one he wants completely and for always. That no matter who we have slept with in the past or may in the future if we continue this journey, that I am the one he loves and needs in his life in this way. The mother of his child, the woman he comes home to, the crazy lady he shares the mundaneness of daily life with.

Being married is hard. Raising a child together is harder. Sometimes the sexual part of coupledom can get lost in the routine of it all. I need reassuring sometimes and he gave that to me last night with a simple whisper.

xoxo,
Bella

word vomit

I should be asleep but obviously am not. Or maybe I'm sleep writing which could result in some interesting revelations. Don't hold your breath. I'm quite drowsy really and don't feel completely lucid, which is when the words flow freer anyway.

Life is good in general these days. There are the usual work angst, internal struggles and parenting frustrations but I realize how fortunate I am to have what I have and to be living the life that I am. Not much in the way of the sexy is happening lately but that's all on me. It seems my sex drive is on vacation and I have zero interest in much of anything in that regard and prefer to read a book or sleep. I'm sure its one of my phases and will pass eventually. Let's hope so. I could elaborate on some things here but am not in the mood.

I have been doing quite a bit of reading lately and it's nice. I read the Hunger Games series and a couple of books for my bookclub. Next on my list is the Millennium series, borrowed from a generous friend. Mr. Man gave me a Kindle Fire for my birthday which I love fiercely.

Speaking of birthdays, I recently turned 36. Downhill to 40 now. I tried to let the day pass quietly and it did for the most part. I don't stress too much about getting older but it does give me pause sometimes and I have to quell a panic attack. Ok, maybe I do stress about aging a bit. I know I should focus on the things I have done in my years but I tend to linger on the things that I haven't but feel that I should have. This makes sense to me even if I'm not expressing it very well here.

Let's see, what else...oh, I've signed up for a half marathon in the spring and am in training mode. Scary right? A full marathon is on my bucket list but we're starting off easy. Haha. Its going pretty well I think but I have to do better about being more consistent with upping the mileage. Anyway, it's a learning process. And no, I haven't lost a fucking pound from it.

Sleepy time again.
xoxo,
Bella

Right now

I'm in the strangest mood tonight. Wistful almost.

Actually, not almost. Definitely.