Being Bella

black & white, then shades of gray

2012-02-10T12:05:00.000-06:00

I googled images of Paris yesterday until I cried. Today I purchased the only travel magazine my supermarket had on the shelf. Living dreams via the internet and magazines isn't exactly what I had in mind way back when. The urge to roam is a constant but so very stifled.

Sometimes I fear that I'm becoming the type of person that I used to loathe. Questioning and second guessing was never my nature. Want to lose weight? Quit eating shit food and exercise. Bills and money woes got you down? Get an extra job. Feel like taking a trip? Get in your car and drive dammit.

In my teens and twenties, the world was a very black and white place. Now as I awkwardly stumble toward forty, the multiple shades of gray threaten to suffocate me.

Bella

bang bang bang...bullet style

2012-02-03T23:31:00.000-06:00

The Sweetest Compliment of the Week Award goes to a friend who said this after seeing a picture of me..."Nice. Such a great smile on you, you look truly happy." It doesn't get much better than that.

People need to chill the fuck out. Thank you Babble, for at least opening up a discussion about this...Open Marriage Isn't So Bad

The new babysitter is working out great! Mr. Man and I had a fabulous outing last weekend with friends and have another one scheduled in a couple of weeks. Perhaps back to the strip club?

I'm tired of feeling like I ought to apologize for not being that Miss Goody Two Shoes I used to be back in the day. Sorry to shit all over your fairytale fantasy.

I had phone sex with Jr. High the other day. Completely unplanned, impromptu and spontaneous. Hadn't talked to him in months. Score: 7 outta 10.

Sometimes I feel like this blog is no longer my own place to be brutally honest. Not a fan of the self-imposed filter. Hello there paper journal in my panty drawer.

I'm not excited about 1/2 marathon weekend coming up in a couple of months and being surrounded by people who will do what I had dreamed of doing until my injury. The positive side is that I am giving someone else the opportunity to run it who otherwise wouldn't.

In that same vein, I love Psychology Today and this take on the "what doesn't kill you makes you stronger" mumbo-jumbo made me laugh. I heart irony.

Life is pretty great and I'm a lucky girl.

Check out this old school vibrator I stumbled on in a local vintage shop...sweet right? But I still think I'll stick with my trusty rabbit.

bad angel

2012-01-25T23:07:00.000-06:00

gimme more

2012-01-24T23:12:00.000-06:00

I've always been pretty confident in my kissing abilities but validation and feedback are still nice.

It had been several days since Jake and I had our little lunchtime tryst and while I hoped he'd liked the little taste of me that I'd given him, I wasn't 100% certain that he wanted more. Maybe this was a one time make out session in the back parking lot of a nice restaurant and since I'd given up on ever touching the man anyway, I was prepared to be happy enough with that possibility.

Au contraire!

The text from him said "so, are we gonna do lunch again soon"? My response was a cool, "sure, just let me know when you're free". I got back this reply..."I say we eat somewhere quick and save more time for dessert"...and later "or we could just skip lunch altogether"...

BADA BING, BADA BOOM.

One of many reasons I keep blogging

2012-01-22T15:11:00.000-06:00

I find it kind of amazing when my random, sometimes crude posts cause someone else to think about issues I've mentioned and then share their own perspectives and shape them into posts on their blogs. I always learn something about the other person, and many times about myself.

Fruit Taster did this the other day and as usual, his thoughts dance across the screen with a clarity that usually eludes my own writing.

Here's to being "sexful".

xoxo,
Bella

after midnight

2012-01-18T00:39:00.001-06:00

It's after midnight (cue Eric Clapton) and I was sleeping so soundly until being woken by kiddo for her nightly cover check. I don't mind, as I know those days of her wanting mommy to carry her back to bed and tuck her in again are numbered.

Now that I'm up I've been reading a few of your blogs and wishing some of you were awake to talk to. Not about anything specific but sometimes I think a late night chat with a like-minded friend might settle my psyche. My brain is a very active place. I have so many partially completed thoughts, dreams and fantasies swirling about in my head and they seem to come the most alive in that not quite alert fogginess between sleep sessions.

I know I've written about this many times before but tonight, I was struck by how my computer's desktop reflects the dichotomy of my life. At one point earlier this evening I had four different internet tabs open at the same time. One was my vanilla blog, one was an email to my mother, one was Bella's dashboard and the last was one of my fellow blogger's sexy posts. I just looked at the tabs and shook my head at the bizarreness of me. I'm sure it's the same for many of you, this contradiction in personas. Its just....weird, a bit unsettling, and sometimes I can't quite wrap my head around it.

Sweet dreams to you.
xoxo,
Bella

Shake n' Jake

2012-01-15T19:38:00.000-06:00

I mentioned the kissing Jake episode a couple of posts ago. Here's a very abbreviated back story...worked with him when Mr. Man and I had been married about a year. Super crush but never would have acted on it. Reconnected a few years later when he found me on Facebook, began talking, admitted crushing on each other, heavy flirtation ensued, enter open marriage situation, Jake says yes we'll hook up, I'll come over, oh wait, no we won't, I'm sick, can't get off work, got the days mixed up, blah blah blah, I finally get pissed enough to say stop the wishywashy and then I cave again although no naked Jake time has yet occurred...the end. Now that you're all caught up (ha), here's the current dealio...

Jake and I have continued to text/talk occasionally. I've stopped taking him seriously about playing with me but flirting with him is fun and we have a fun banter. My expectations for anything developing had been shelved however.

One day last week the option of having lunch was brought up and lo and behold, we actually ended up meeting at a local place for a meal. We pulled into the parking lot at the same time and greeted each other with a hug that lasted quite a bit longer than necessary. I wasn't sure what to expect, if this was going to be a buddy lunch or something sexier. After that hug and wandering hands I had my answer.

The meal was great. There was lots of flirting, eye contact, and outright inappropriate conversation of the fun flirty variety. He made me blush a couple of times and it appeared that the bar had been raised. Obviously, there's something very different about this kind of thing going on face to face versus online or via text. It can and should be, electric.

Lunch ended and we each had to head back to work. He walked me to my car and we hugged again. And didn't let go. I murmured something in his ear about how good he smelled. (Clever and original, I know. I've got skilz y'all, don't hate) We loosened our holds and turned our heads immediately into a kiss. A fervent-passionate-years-of-sexual-tension-groping-knees-weakening-oh-my-god-I-want-you-right-now kiss. The best kind.

He whispered "damn baby" (that's good, right boys???) and I asked if he was ok. He said yes and we kissed again. There was tongue people.... and he had a beard. Facial hair done correctly is a serious turn on for me. I got another breathless "damn baby" from him and we parted. He said he'd better go and scurried back to his car. I am hoping with a raging hard on because that would be cool.

Feeling the need to check the status, I asked him afterwards if my parking lot attack had been ok with him. Now, to be clear, this was a mutual "attack" but I am willing to take the blame for certain things in life. He said yes and asked if I'd do it again sometime. Haha. Dumb question.

Will there be more Jake facetime? Who the hell knows. I've learned not to hold my breath with this one. But I'm glad he made me lose it at least this once.

realizations

2012-01-13T21:00:00.001-06:00

As a friend commented, some people truly should live forever in your past. That's where they belong and they will never fit into your present.

Just because you don't act or feel the way someone wants you to, doesn't mean you're a bad person. It means you are your OWN person.

New friends are a good thing. Thank you to a new blogger crush for letting me bend his ear lately.

I will come back from adversity better and stronger than before. Karma and I are going to be just fine.

Hello wound, meet salt

2012-01-12T18:10:00.001-06:00

Stress fracture diagnosis only a couple hours old and I've already had an offer to buy my 1/2 marathon entry.

Today sucked.

Sent from my Verizon Wireless 4G LTE Phone

Making out with Jake

2012-01-12T12:00:00.001-06:00

Sooooo, I kissed Jake yesterday.

Yes, THAT Jake. The dirty rotten scoundrel wishy-washy Jake who's been mentioned here before.

Full report to come.

Sent from my Verizon Wireless 4G LTE Phone

this is SUCH a white trash post

2012-01-07T22:04:00.001-06:00

It's Saturday night and I'm bored. But that's better than puking at midnight from too much tequila, as was the case last night. I am too old for that much alcohol. I told a friend the other day that I knew my "sweet spot" for imbibing just enough alcohol to enjoy myself (and letting others enjoy me if that happens to be the scenario) but to avoid a morning hangover. This is true for beer and wine but is apparently NOT true for tequila. What.The.Hell.

I hope the Sean and his Psycho Wife drama is over. And I cross my fingers as I type that. There was some very mature (sarcasm) Facebook passive aggressiveness that went down which solidified my final decision to 1. block her and 2. tell Sean I want nothing to do with her. Additionally, the chick was/is hounding Sean to ask me and Mr. Man to dinner so we can "chat" (read, MURDER the ex-girlfriend over pot roast). This is after slamming me verbally and not allowing Sean to see or speak to me because she is afraid I am going to "steal him away", among other things too ridiculous to mention here. Trust me, there is some wicked back story that I can't even write about due to the risk of my eyeballs bursting in rage. My answer to that invitation was a big hella no, I want nothing to do with your two-bit whore skank wife. Ok, so I didn't use those EXACT words but I did not spare the "fuck her"s and "grow a pair"s. What? I can be as classy or as white trash as the situation warrants. Its a shame, but really? I'd like Sean to be in my life but I'm not sure that's possible with his bizarre baggage.

Ok I'm done. Keep it classy Bella, keep it classy.

just cuddle me dammit

2012-01-03T21:08:00.000-06:00

Here's a little secret.

Sometimes I don't want sex but I do want to just cuddle. Cliche? Perhaps, but that doesn't make it not true. I don't always need or want sex to feel intimacy. And it hurts my feelings a smidge when I can't just be held or caressed without being expected to "put out" as the grand finale of a cuddle session. It kind of taints the enjoyment of the touching. Because in my crazy little brain I'm thinking, "ok, we've been cuddling for about 3.42 minutes, I'll probably be expected to spread'em in another 2.56 or so"...I'm counting how much time I have left to enjoy the cuddling. So maybe that's a slight exaggeration but you get my point.

The truth of the matter is that the closer I feel to you, the more I will want to rip your clothes off and fuck your brains out. And I feel closer to you when we can sometimes just cuddle, talk, kiss, hold hands, watch tv together in bed snuggled under the covers, all that girly mushy crap. Sometimes I like just doing those things and that's enough for the time being. Maybe you won't get sex after snuggling with me tonight, but tomorrow night I will be remembering how sweet you were, how good it felt to be in your arms, what a romantic guy you are, and I will want to ride you like a drunk cowgirl. That way, we both win!

Bottom line...occasional cuddling-only sessions will fuel future passionate fuck sessions. Trust me, it really works that way. I'm all for a better balance of sex and cuddling. Fair and Balanced Sex and Cuddling folks, that's my platform.

That is all. Goodnight.

xoxo,
Bella

sleepy post

2012-01-02T21:05:00.000-06:00

I took a "sleep aid" a little bit ago so if this ends abruptly its because I've dozed off. Today was pretty productive for me. Made good progress on a work project, got back in the gym and otherwise prioritized some things. I've also been talking with a couple of potential babysitters so here's hoping for a better balance of mommy Bella and sexy Bella. Whatever that entails. Not that mom's can't be sexy but eh, whatever. I know what I meant.

Oh, guess who has turned out to be completely psycho? Sean's wife. I knew she was crazy but she's proving to truly have her husband's balls in a vice. At first she was "fine" with Sean talking to me but has since waffled and now its all weird and I am apparently not allowed to speak to him. I find this somewhat hilarious but also sad. There's some back story to all of this as she was on and off with him in our college days. He asked if he could mail me my race t-shirt since I guess he's not allowed to even drop it by my office or come within 10 feet of me so he can at least throw it my direction. I told him to just keep it. On one hand I'm thinking dude, grow a pair and stop letting her walk all over you. But then again, there are kids involved and I can't relate to his situation so who am I to judge? And so I'm keeping my opinions to myself and sharing them with strangers on the internet (ha). It makes me even more thankful that Mr. Man is a reasonable guy and that we don't have this bizarre animosity that they seem to have been dealing with for years. Where is the love people, where is the love???

And now I am truly about to faceplant onto the keyboard.

Goodnight lovers.
xoxo,
Bella

i should write while drinking more often

2011-12-31T21:17:00.000-06:00

So, I'm on my second HUGE glass of Moscato and decided to sign in. Wise? Probably not, but you are all safe for now. When I say I'm on # 3, then things might get interesting so stay tuned. Mr. Man and I aren't going out tonight, we never do on NYE, even before kiddo came along. I've always wanted to though. But I've always wanted a lot of things.

I'll be honest, today was tough. The ex, (let's call him Sean. Not his real name but it popped in my head so go with it) ran the race I was supposed to be in today and he picked up my t-shirt for me. Sweet right? Its probably bad karma to wear a t-shirt from a race you didn't run but I've decided that karma can bite my ass this year.

Sean and I are planning to have lunch next week to catch up on each others lives. He's a great guy and has done very well for himself and his family, financially anyway. But money isn't everything. From what I've gathered so far, he's been in a very bad marriage for a very long time. And stays in it for the kids as many tend to do. I feel so fortunate to have been raised in a stable home and to be raising my kiddo in one as well. (yeah yeah, an argument can be made that I'm not stable. shut up).

Anyway, I'm not sure how much I'll write about him although I do want to. I was with him at a vulnerable time in my life and was really trying to find my way. Still am its true but wow, I was a completely lost puppy back in those days. He was always a gentleman and treated me perfectly. But there were other people involved on both sides messing up the equation blah blah blah. Stupid kid stuff. Regardless of that, I didn't love him so it didn't matter. And holy hell, now I'm rambling.

It's time to sign off now because I'm about to seduce my sexy husband (who is immersed in a book) as I hobble to the fridge for glass # 3. I love him so much. This aircast gives my booty an extra wiggle when I walk and I plan to use that to its fullest advantage.

xoxox,
Bella

tears, sitters & reconnecting

2011-12-30T17:40:00.000-06:00

I am a mess today. This week actually. I've injured my foot and am having to wear a boot and am not able to run for no telling how long. I'm missing a race on New Year's Eve that I was looking forward to very much and my half marathon training is taking a major hit. I'm afraid I'm going to lose all my progress and gain a bunch of weight that I don't need.

That's triggered a bunch of emotional shit that I am not dealing with very well.

Its no secret that I don't handle stress in a constructive manner. The post holiday funk has set in and there's some work stress and the usual mommy stress. I go through these weird cycles of confidence and this is one of my low points I guess. I like to think of myself as a strong person but the truth is that I'm not and envy those who are. I can only fake it so much until the point comes where I fall apart and cry in bed at night when I should be trying to pull myself up. God, did I mention I'm a mess? Oh yeah, first sentence.Where are my meds dammit?

Let's see...what else...oh...

This is random but the most bizarre thing happened the other day as I was standing in line to pick up my race packet for the 5K that I can't run (I'm not bitter, can you tell?). I ran into an old college boyfriend I hadn't seen in about 12 years. It was surreal. I'd always wondered what happened to him and hopefully we can stay in touch this time.

Also random, Mr. Man and I are working on finding a babysitter on a more regular basis so that we can have some couple time. That is severely lacking. We have to make it a priority and I haven't been very good at it lately. He deserves better than I've been giving him.

And with that, I'm finito.

xoxo,
Bella

Joyeuses fêtes!

2011-12-23T20:54:00.000-06:00

That is how you say "happy holidays" in French, right? Whatever it means, everything just sounds better in French.

I'd like to take some new photos. Maybe that will be a project for one of the days I'm off next week. But tonight I like this one from several months ago. I feel very Carmen Sandiego in this coat.

It's holiday madness around here as I'm sure it is for many of you. And we only have one child and don't have that many/aren't all that close to our families so I can't imagine the craziness that is happening in larger, more closely-knit households. But despite the busyness, its a fun time and I wouldn't trade it for anything.

I wish all of you a lovely holiday and hope that you ring in the new year with great sexiness and style.

xoxo,
Bella

knowing what I need

2011-12-17T22:45:00.000-06:00

I love my husband. I probably don't say that enough here. He is so patient with crazy unpredictable me. Its amazing that he's still sane actually.

I mentioned that my sex drive and interest has been MIA lately. But last night he knew what I wanted and needed because he knows me so well. I initiated with a picture texted to him of my freshly shaved self and soon we were naked in bed together. (If you aren't sexting with your spouse/partner you are missing out) We cuddled for a bit and then he did that thing he does. Fingers grazing my back, the top of my ass. Just the right amount of pressure, the perfect amount of stroking in all the right places. It always makes me squirm and relax. Its the type of touching that can only come from years together learning each others bodies, knowing the exact thing to do to pleasure the other.

The sex that came next was great but what I keep replaying in my head the day after is when he whispered "I love you" in my ear as I was on top of him. That is just what I needed at that moment. There are many times we fuck and dirty talk about other people to each other, verbalizing our fantasies to increase the heat. But many times I just want it to be the two of us in that bed, even mentally. To know that I'm still the one he wants completely and for always. That no matter who we have slept with in the past or may in the future if we continue this journey, that I am the one he loves and needs in his life in this way. The mother of his child, the woman he comes home to, the crazy lady he shares the mundaneness of daily life with.

Being married is hard. Raising a child together is harder. Sometimes the sexual part of coupledom can get lost in the routine of it all. I need reassuring sometimes and he gave that to me last night with a simple whisper.

xoxo,
Bella

word vomit

2011-12-14T03:32:00.002-06:00

I should be asleep but obviously am not. Or maybe I'm sleep writing which could result in some interesting revelations. Don't hold your breath. I'm quite drowsy really and don't feel completely lucid, which is when the words flow freer anyway.

Life is good in general these days. There are the usual work angst, internal struggles and parenting frustrations but I realize how fortunate I am to have what I have and to be living the life that I am. Not much in the way of the sexy is happening lately but that's all on me. It seems my sex drive is on vacation and I have zero interest in much of anything in that regard and prefer to read a book or sleep. I'm sure its one of my phases and will pass eventually. Let's hope so. I could elaborate on some things here but am not in the mood.

I have been doing quite a bit of reading lately and it's nice. I read the Hunger Games series and a couple of books for my bookclub. Next on my list is the Millennium series, borrowed from a generous friend. Mr. Man gave me a Kindle Fire for my birthday which I love fiercely.

Speaking of birthdays, I recently turned 36. Downhill to 40 now. I tried to let the day pass quietly and it did for the most part. I don't stress too much about getting older but it does give me pause sometimes and I have to quell a panic attack. Ok, maybe I do stress about aging a bit. I know I should focus on the things I have done in my years but I tend to linger on the things that I haven't but feel that I should have. This makes sense to me even if I'm not expressing it very well here.

Let's see, what else...oh, I've signed up for a half marathon in the spring and am in training mode. Scary right? A full marathon is on my bucket list but we're starting off easy. Haha. Its going pretty well I think but I have to do better about being more consistent with upping the mileage. Anyway, it's a learning process. And no, I haven't lost a fucking pound from it.

Sleepy time again.
xoxo,
Bella

Right now

2011-12-12T23:11:00.001-06:00

I'm in the strangest mood tonight. Wistful almost.

Actually, not almost. Definitely.

I have a thing for tutus

2011-10-24T22:25:00.000-05:00

I'm practicing

2011-10-24T12:26:00.000-05:00

So that last post was a smidge bitchy. Its been a rough weekend for various reasons and I've not been all that pleasant to be around.

I wish I could be bitchier in real life to be honest. I've had a couple of people in the past few weeks remark about what a "Southern Belle" I am, at least in the sense that I can be too nice. I've found that in being too nice, you become something of a liar and question avoider. Like a politician or a car salesman.

Someone asks "does this jelly doughnut make me look fat" and you say "hell no, jelly is good for you, all that...gelatin stuff...um, er, it has vitamins you know, good for the skin." But then again, you can't really say "dude, you are a total lard ass, and that jelly doughnut is not going to help matters". The easier answer is the first one and then we can all move on.

And so it goes. You say appropriate niceties to avoid conflict and hurt feelings. Unless you have an anonymous online persona. And then you can bitch about business names and what people choose to name their children. Ain't life funny?

not that they asked for my opinion but...

2011-10-23T22:49:00.000-05:00

Sometimes I overhear or see something and it sticks with me like an annoying popcorn kernel in my tooth. Like...

If you have a business that is supposed to be creative in nature, come up with a more creative name than "So and So's Creative Designs". That name sucks.
Also, if you have more than one child, don't name them something that when said together makes people want to gag while watching a Disney movie. This one is for you, lady with the kids named "Ariel" and "Serenity".

To each her own I know I know.

Peace, Love and Bright Shiny Things.
xoxo,
Bella

meditation

2011-10-12T23:33:00.000-05:00

sleep and willpower

2011-10-11T21:38:00.000-05:00

I'm wanting something tonight.

One is sleep because I am so tired I can't even see straight. And as a matter of fact, my inability to function properly today caused me to end up in the men's restroom at work. I am in such a fog lately. I love my kid to death but damn, I am so glad that I only have one. Long boring parenting story. But this is the only time I have to post anything so I will groggily proceed.

Another is willpower. I've kept up with my running since May but I have not lost a pound and it is so discouraging. Sure, I know its all about what you eat, even more so than exercise and I eat crap a lot of the time. But when I do eat right for a period of time I still get no results so I say fuck it, gimme that cupcake since it doesn't seem to matter anyway. Ugh. Its a stupid cycle and I hate it. I'm so unhappy with my body but can't seem to dig deep enough to change it.

I could add many more things to this list. Confidence, courage, organizational skills, gumption, the ability to turn back time, ambition, a hot fuck in a parking garage, patience, contentment, a guilt free bowl of ice cream fer christ's sake, blah blah blah.

Sidenote: if the neighbors fucking dachshunds wake up my kid I am going to hurt somebody.

As has been my day, this post is scattered, pissy and rambling and has no point really. But that's alright. I'm going to go eat a cookie and then to bed for me.

xoxo,
Bella

As a parent...

2011-10-06T00:26:00.001-05:00

I'm having one of many frustrating nights. One day I'll tell you all about it. Right now I just want to kick and scream and stop feeling guilty for having regrets and get some fucking sleep.

stoplight flush

2011-10-05T22:02:00.000-05:00

Today at a stoplight I caught the eye of an attractive man.

I looked, he was looking, I looked away and then back, he was still looking, we held the glance, I felt my legs go hot and weak, I flushed. And then the damn light turned green and I had to turn while he went straight.

Its been a while since I've had a stranger make my blood rush like that and cause the butterflies to flutter in my tummy. It was nice. I didn't realize how much I've missed that feeling.

breasts undercover

2011-10-04T23:52:00.000-05:00

Mr. Man and I had great sex tonight. Porn on the tv, a position that we hadn't used in a while and some dirty talk. I do like variety after all.

After he finished, I lay back and enjoyed his hands between my legs and his kisses down my side.

This photo was taken as I was laying on my tummy under the covers, basking in post orgasm recovery mode.

Life with sex and the man you love is good.

There's no crying in baseball!!!

2011-10-02T13:29:00.000-05:00

But there is crying in a sub/Dom relationship apparently. As you know if you have read C-Man's account of our time in Boston. I have struggled with how or even if to write about this and I'm not sure I will be successful even now after it's been several weeks.

The conflict I had with playtime in Boston was this...I went there on a very close family member's dime...a family member who would be crushed, heartbroken, shocked, sickened, saddened and all other manner of bad things if they knew about my life as Bella. There would be time with this family member to bond and explore the city and we were both looking forward to it very much. And yet, C-Man lived within driving distance and knows the city and it was a perfect opportunity to see him as well. An opportunity that seemed a shame to let go to waste. So I was at war with myself on how to have these two lives cross in such close proximity to each other. I would have to be Bella during part of my time in Boston and then quickly switch to the girl this family member knows and loves so very much, the good girl. I wasn't sure I could handle the mental conflict and the closer the trip came, the more difficult I found the thought of that to be. As C-Man said, I made the decision not to play a few days before. I realize it wasn't fair to waffle on C-Man like that but this conflict I was having...it was real and new, and a very big issue for me.

The points C-Man makes in his post about Jake are valid ones. But not ones that I will address in this post. That is a whole other topic and had no bearing on my inner struggle or the fact that I became a teary hot mess during playtime. I fully intended to stand strong and not even kiss, much less fuck C-Man. These intentions were in place right up to the point when he was in my room. But then he was right there. Close to me. Touching me. And dammit, I am weak.

A switch was most definitely thrown inside me as well and I changed to full-on Bella mode, his plaything, putty in his hands so to speak, meant to be controlled and most willing to comply. There is a place in my mind that craves to be dominated, used in some way, controlled by someone I trust not to harm me or go too far. The more C-Man and I delve into this somewhat new and scary realm, the deeper the emotional ramifications. And thus my tears. The tears were suddenly rolling down my face, smearing my mascara and surprising both of us.

Many things were going through my mind that probably contributed to this emotional release. I was mad at myself for doing what I was doing when I had told myself that I most certainly wouldn't. I was a bit angry that he was angry that I hadn't wanted to and yet here he was, "forcing" his cock into my mouth. But I DID want to. And that made me angry and confused as well. I wanted to let go of the stuff going on in my head and just release it all, lose myself in the role of the sub and let the chips (and tears) fall.

The end result was a new level of feeling, a new level of conflict even. Said family member actually met C-Man and loved him, as is our blogger friend's general effect on people. The chasm between my two lives widened and I feel the strain of maintaining these opposite sides of myself a bit more than before. I feel like there must be some sort of breaking point eventually and that scares me. I don't know how to reconcile this Jekyl and Hyde thing I've got going on. No clue. Honestly, the real me is closer to Bella than the Good Girl, but Bella would break too many of my loved ones hearts. And so I persist in the Good Girl role for them and in the Bella role for you and myself.

xoxo,
Bella

Lost it for now

2011-09-21T22:53:00.000-05:00

My blogging mojo I mean. Not sure if I've lost interest or what the deal is. I'm apathetic or something. But I've said that before and am still hanging around. Anyway, all is well, just not feeling the desire lately.

It occurred to me as well that the more bloggers I meet in real life, the less apt I am to share raw feelings here. The need to censor comes into play as the anonymity dissipates.

And now I'm just being dramatic I suppose.

Bedtime for me.

xoxo,
Bella

downtime

2011-09-05T22:51:00.000-05:00

Boston

2011-08-31T23:02:00.001-05:00

The Boston trip was great! What an amazing and beautiful city. I truly loved it. I loved how history coincided with modern, how old buildings stood next to new ones. It had a different vibe than New York or Chicago...cleaner, more manageable, less intimidating. It was a lovely place in so many respects. Thanks to C-Man for showing me the sights in grand fashion, even if he must've made me walk 20 miles. My visit there was too short and I would have liked to have met up with some other bloggers as well but it wasn't meant to be this time.

I learned a few things about myself on this trip. Things I'm too tired to write about tonight. Things that bother me and scare me a bit but that I know I have to explore further. I have no hope of sorting them out or coming to any conclusions about them in the near future but I do think it would help me to be able to write about them in some sort of comprehensive way. And if I do, it will be here of course.

It's late and I have a workday ahead of me. Sweet dreams and sleep well.

xoxo,
Bella

short week & then Beantown

2011-08-14T23:55:00.000-05:00

I'm up late even knowing kiddo will be climbing into bed for an early morning showing of Dora and some mini pancakes that I will sleepily nuke in the microwave. But its a very short week for me and then I'm off on a little adventure to Boston for a few days. It will be my first time visiting that city and as a girl who loves new experiences, I'm more than a smidgen excited. I'm tagging along on a family member's business trip but I have no "business" in Boston except to explore and try to stay out of trouble, or perhaps find it, depending.

Along with checking out a new city, I'm looking forward to a couple of other things this very short trip will allow me to do as well. There are plans to hang with C-Man who I haven't seen in months and to meet up with a vanilla blogger I've never met in person but who's blog I've read for years. Crazy how the internet provides so many opportunities to meet cool and new people isn't it?

I'm not sure if there will be any sexy time or not as I'm quite conflicted about being there with a family member (as well as on their dime), albeit in separate hotel rooms. It adds a complexity to the situation that I can't reconcile and the thought of those two parts of my life intersecting so closely weirds me out. I don't know if I can handle it. But we'll see. The plan is to play it by ear and regardless, it will be a fun trip no matter what. I have decided that much at least.

Question: Are dorky tourists the only ones who call Boston "Beantown"? Not that it matters since as soon as I open my mouth I'll be pegged as Dorky Tourist. Since I don't think "y'all" and "fixin" are part of the Bostonian's vernacular.

Goodnight.

xoxo,
Bella

heat

2011-08-12T22:15:00.001-05:00

helping a girl out

2011-08-10T22:12:00.002-05:00

My friend, let's call her ViVi (vibrator virgin), texted me first thing the next morning: "Happy Hustler Day"! Meaning Hustler Hollywood of course. You know the place. Mainstream, bright, cheery, non-threatening sex store. That was our lunch hour plan, to hit up the local Hustler for some girly goodies.

My plan was not to mention the vibrator issue to ViVi again but to pick one out that I thought would be good for a first-timer and then give it to her in the car. That worked out well but I'm getting ahead of myself.

Like I mentioned before, ViVi is no prude but I was a bit surprised at her reaction in the store. We went in and were greeted pleasantly by the sales staff, as per usual. We perused the "vanilla" side of the store first, the side with the lotions and cute outfits and gag gifts. Then we hit up the sexy stuff. And the sales team pounced. And by pounced I mean a couple of things. One, that I was hit on pretty obviously by the guy checking our ids. He overly flattered me and told me how young I looked, how he loved my tattoo, how our birthdays were only a few weeks apart, blah blah blah. It was cute but a bit much. I blew it off and pushed him out of the way to get to the dildo aisle. I keed I keed. But really.

Definition of pounced #2: I'm used to this store as I am a fairly frequent customer and was a bit freaked out when I first started going in there at the bluntness of the staff. "Can I help you find a particular butt plug?", "This vibrator will hit your g-spot better than that one over there.", "This porno features squirters and look, it's 10% off today only!", etc. I have since learned to embrace their enthusiasm for their job and utilize their expertise if I need to. This freaked ViVi out a bit. She was obviously uncomfortable with the overt helpfulness and sort of hid behind a display of bondage toys while I debated the pros and cons of various clit stimulators with a very nice salesperson (not Mr. Flirty).

ViVi ended up buying some pasties, stockings, a silly Cosmo game and some ruffly panties while I purchased a nice slender bullet vibe and some shaving lotion for my nether regions. When you purchase a toy, the cashier always tests it for you to make sure it works because you can't return it. There was a new employee being trained and the experienced salesgirl walked newbie through the steps and script to test my toy. I think I made ViVi even more uncomfortable when I joked with the cute newbie salesgirl about being her "first". Heheh. What can I say? I'll flirt with a girl just as much as with a boy. I'm an equal opportunity flirter, no sex discrimination here.

On the drive back to work ViVi goes on and on about the intrusive salespeople and how weird it was to her. You know that saying "thou dost protest too much"? Yeah, like that. I expressed my opinion that its just their job, just like the salespeople in electronics stores or wherever. She wasn't buying it but finally got it out of her system and shut up about it. Just before we got out of the car to head back to work, I handed her the bullet vibe and say "this is for you". She was thrilled and says "YAY!!!!" with somewhat embarrassed enthusiasm. I think she was expecting it but wasn't going to say anything unless I brought it up first.

A couple of hours later I'm driving home and get this text from ViVi....

"OMG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! YOU ARE THE BEST FRIEND EVER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

Mission accomplished.

xoxo,
Bella

never used a vibrator? doubletake

2011-08-01T22:26:00.000-05:00

I was having some girl talk with a friend today and we were talking about sex, of course. She was telling me about some sexual issues her and her guy are having and that they had had pathetic two minute unsatisfactory (for her anyway) sex last night. I had jokingly mentioned to her earlier in the week that she ought to get a vibrator (never dreaming that she didn't already have one) and she'd changed the subject. But during this conversation she blurted out "I've never used a vibrator before" and then she continued to blather on with the story she was telling. My brain however, was trying to process her statement. She seemed a bit embarrassed about it and stammered something about reading the PostSecret about the chick who didn't want to use a vibrator because she was afraid it would ruin "real sex" for her. Puuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuhhhhhhhhh-lease!

I was a very late bloomer sexually but now I think I'm pretty much caught up, haha. This girl is in her late 20s and is in no way a prude. She's what I would consider pretty sexually free and has had more partners within the year and a half that I've known her than I have my entire life. So for her to never have used a vibe before blew my mind. Although I guess maybe she never needed to use one, always having a real penis available. But I can't imagine not having the option to get off whenever I wanted with my toy, regardless of if my man is around or not. It makes me wonder if she's ever masturbated with just her hands...I'm kind of guessing not. Actually, as I am typing this I remember a few months ago when she and I had gone to our local sex store and she had declined to go over to the side of the store where they sell the porn and toys. Hmmmm, there's a clue.

My response to her unintentional confession? "Girl, I am buying you a vibrator tomorrow. Merry Christmas and Happy Birthday to you missy and you can thank me later". I told her that the toy can be an addition to sex with her man, not a replacement for him. Then I gave her my own confession, namely that I can't climax with penetration alone so a vibe during sex is perfect for me! Poor girl is probably scarred for life now with my TMI.

And so tomorrow I will do a good deed for my friend who has been missing out all these years! I'm thinking a Rabbit or a nubby bullet would be a good choice for a first timer....

xoxo,
Bella

Product review...the portable orgasm

2011-07-31T22:25:00.000-05:00

Get your orgasms to go! Climaxes on the run! Discreet pleasure when you need it! What's not to love about that right? Except that most pocket vibes are lame. There, I said it. I've had a few and they are always weak little bullets of finger numbing wastes of money. But the truth is, I WANT a pocket rocket vibrator that I can throw in my purse so I can be ready when that impromptu moment presents itself, as it sometimes does.

I remained hopeful while product testing this mini vibe from EdenFantasys. Here's a photo of it next to my hand so you can get an idea of scale. (And yes, I have long thin fingers and no, I have never played the piano. Do you know how many times I have been asked that question?)

The technical stuff...the vibe comes with five different attachments made of a hard but somewhat flexible and smooth material. All attachments are a pretty blue transparent color. The vibe itself is very lightweight and is also waterproof, which is a feature I always like but rarely use for some reason. It requires a AA battery (included) and I'd consider it a "quiet" toy. The intensity level is more than adequate for me, meaning that my girly parts thoroughly enjoyed themselves depending on the amount of pressure applied and didn't go numb with too intense of a vibration either. The on/off switch is better than many I've encountered and goes from "on" to "off" to "open" (for battery installation) with a twist of the base.

Let's talk about those attachments shall we? The attachments fit snugly on the head of the vibe and are easy to change out. I tested them all and had my favorites. I loved the two bullet-like ones, as well as the one that looks like a chess piece.

But then there were the others that creeped me out and made me laugh at the same time. Maybe its because sometimes I revert to adolescence, but the mini-hand attachment made me giggle so much that I couldn't even use it past the initial test. All I could think of was that this might be what it felt like to have a slightly overgrown Smurf try to give me an orgasm. It was never going to work. The tongue attachment actually felt good but I couldn't get the Smurf image out of my mind with that one either so I completely lost my masturbatory mojo while trying to use those two.

My plan of action for this toy? I'll pop on one of nubby shaped attachments (probably the bullet one), leave the others in my drawer o' sex toys and slip this vibe into my purse in order to be prepared for anything. Oh, and in case you were wondering, I did climax using this toy so I declare it a winner in the mini-vibe category.

xoxo,
Bella

Breast love

2011-07-28T20:59:00.001-05:00

I used to HATE my boobs. I thought they were too small. I had serious issues with them and was really sensitive about their size.

But after having a child they seem to have come into their own, or maybe I have, and now I love them.
Never droopy or saggy, always perky and at attention. Clothes hang well on them and a simple sports bra is all I need for support when I run.

One day maybe I'll come to terms with my tummy, an area that most definitely did not improve after baby. But whatever. Long live the boobies!

Xoxo,
Bella

I spent my 12th anniversary in a strip club

2011-07-06T22:44:00.000-05:00

Mr. Man and I celebrated our 12th wedding anniversary a couple of weeks ago. Twelve years. I can't even believe it. We've been together as a couple for about fifteen though which boggles my mind even more. And makes me feel quite old. And extremely lucky. I have friends who have been married three times within just half of the number of years that Mr. Man and I have been together. We have ups and downs like every couple but we're still here dammit. And stronger than ever I think.

To celebrate, we recruited a babysitter and I took my man to dinner in one of those hipster neighborhoods where everyone looks like they need a shower and probably recycle and eat organic. Dinner was fabulous though, as was the people-watching. Afterwards we went for a stroll and kind of looked at each other and said "now what"? We drove by one of the local swinger clubs and discussed checking it out. But we always talk and never do and that night was no different. Another thing we often discuss is going to a strip club. We decided that if we wouldn't even enter a strip joint then there was no way in hell we'd ever get up the nerve to go to the swinger place. Finally, Mr. Man had enough talking about it and said "let's just fucking do it, I'm going to the atm right now for cash". And so we did.

I had no basis for comparison and didn't know what to expect except for what I'd seen in the movies. And you know what? It was pretty much just like that. Most of the girls looked bored out of their minds and I kept wanting to yell at them to smile a little and act like they were semi-enjoying themselves. But what do I know about stripping right? So I kept my mouth shut and watched the girls take turns on the first stage, slink off and go to another stage and repeat the dance. One of the strippers came up to us and chatted for a minute. She told us about some options for dances for couples and she was so cute I just wanted to take her home and be her bff. I will say, the girls were very attractive and in great shape for the most part. Some danced better than others and a few of them truly amazed me with their athleticism. The club was clean and there were humongous but friendly looking bouncers all over the place. I felt safe and there were other women in the audience so I didn't feel out of place in that way at all.

I had warned Mr. Man that I could go either way and to be prepared for me to either be really uncomfortable and pissy, or to be totally cool and enjoy it. I'd say I fell somewhere in the middle of that emotional spectrum, leaning more towards the "totally cool and enjoying it" side of things. I was a bit tense for whatever reason and could never really completely relax and let loose.We had neglected to BYOB and I decided that I need alcohol to truly enjoy it to the fullest. What can I say? I need a crutch every now and then.

So next time we'll show up with some Jack Daniels, plenty of cash and there will be close proximity nakedness. Mr. Man wants to watch me get a lap dance so that's on the list for a visit in the near future I hope.

So look out y'all, next stop...Bella and Mr. Man visit the swinger club. Haha. Maybe. We'll see. Don't hold your breath.

Goodnight.

xoxo,
Bella

I feel like drinking

2011-07-01T22:32:00.000-05:00

...but am too lazy to get up and get a glass of the raspberry dessert wine we have in the kitchen.

Life has been good lately, if a bit mentally conflicting. I am feeling more and more of the division between the two lives I'm leading. I'd like them to merge but I don't see how that is possible given my job and my family and certain friends. Its an odd thing, this double life. I guess we all live this way to a certain extent, compartmentalizing certain aspects for certain groups of people. One day I feel like the two sides have to collide in some dramatic way, probably by accident and it will end badly. Either that, or I will have to give up one of them in order to give my all to the one that is left standing. Perhaps I'll call it "Survival of the Fittest of Bella's Split Personalities" or some such. Winner takes all.

Thinking about this sometimes makes me melancholy and causes me to wish for total anonymity, or maybe a chance to start over and try again. And yet, I realize that's not reality for me and I have to work within the boundaries I'm given. On the other hand, if I don't think too deeply about it I can see it as some sort of secret adventure that I'm on. A risky exciting incognito life I'm living. You know, upstanding Christian 30-something working mother by day, sexy swinger prancing about town in stripper heels by night. That kind of thing. The word hypocrite comes to mind.

But for now, I plod on, attempting a delicate balance between being the everyday Me and being Bella. For those few that know both as one multidimensional person, I appreciate you more than you can know.

xoxo,

Bella

Strip club virgin no more!

2011-06-25T23:56:00.001-05:00

As I type this on my phone, I'm in the car with Mr. Man heading home after my first visit to a strip club. Yeah yeah, I'm a late bloomer.
More about this later but just thought you should know.

Xoxo,
Bella

This is a stalling technique

2011-06-25T14:30:00.001-05:00

For when I'm supposed to be cleaning the house. It's way more fun to put on pretty lingerie and share it on the internet than scrub toilets.

wanting

2011-06-21T21:29:00.001-05:00

There's just something about the small of the back, on a man or a woman, that's just plain sexy, sensuous, erotic. That slight dip just above where the curve of the ass begins. I love to be kissed there.

The past several weeks have been deemed The Vanishing of the Sexy. That one little post I did about getting my groove back like Stella? Complete fluke. The joke was on me. Anyway, I'm sure it's just one of those crazy mental cycles I go through occasionally but it kind of sucks. A lot.

I want the butterflies back. I want to feel that passion again. The kind that makes my tummy flip, my breath catch, my face flush and my words jumble. To want to rip someone's clothes off so bad that just the thought of his touch makes you instantly wet and ready. But instead I sit here on the bed in my stained shirt and wool socks, knowing full well that I have a great life with many blessings. And yet, still wanting more. Always wanting more.

And not just sexually. I talk to friends living in fascinating and gorgeous cities, I see the photos they take of sparkling skylines and crowded streets, and I want that. I sit patiently and listen to others tell me about their fun filled crazy weekends meeting new people and just going out on the town and I want that, too. Or I hear of family members who are travelling to other countries on humanitarian missions, making a difference, doing good, great things for others, and I want that as well.

I know we can't do everything in life, can't try everything. But I wish I could.

Goodnight.
xoxo,
Bella

Flex A Pleasure? Shut Your Mouth

2011-06-16T22:55:00.000-05:00

I was attracted to this toy because of its design. It looked kind of "space agey", like a toy Jane Jetson might use when George was out of town. A vibrating egg with a twist, so to speak. It comes in pink and purple (I got purple in case you're wondering). When the package came I was pleased because EUREKA, the batteries were included!

A bendable shaft separates the vibrating egg from the controller of the same size. This was the part I was skeptical about. I could just see the flexible bendy part weakening and finally breaking, leaving me with two worthless eggs-on-a-stick. I also wondered if the shaft would be able to hold its position while I was in NoTurningBackOhMyGod mode. Never fear however, the shaft (I just like saying that) is strong, steady, durable and can hold its ground.

The hand grip/controller has a soft coated texture and the egg itself has a smooth, hard plastic feel. The toy is easy to hold, is very light weight, and the controller is a simple twist at the end of the hand grip. The vibration strength is multi-speed and goes from a low intensity to what I would consider a medium. The toy is very quiet as well and gives off a low hum when at full speed. Great for going undercover, if you know what I'm sayin'. Wink wink.

So far, I have only used this for clit stimulation because that's my favorite thing on earth, but it is perfectly safe to insert and jiggle your internal business with as well if you happen to be into internal jiggling.

The Result: Worked for me. Meaning, I climaxed quite nicely with it each time.

Favorite Aspect: The flexible and very strong SHAFT (you're damn right). This feature eliminates the VCT that I sometimes suffer from with my other vibrators. What is VCT you ask? Why, Vibrator Carpel Tunnel of course. Come'on ladies, you know what I'm talking about. You're laying on your back in bed holding your trusty vibe on your lady parts and your hand starts cramping up because its curved forward and down into an awkward position so you have to switch but that's not as good because its not your preferred hand so you can't get the angle just right and then fuck, THAT hand starts cramping up and you get frustrated and throw in the towell and decided to go eat some cake instead. Really? I cannot be the only one who suffers from this syndrome occasionally. All I'm sayin' is that the SHAFT (can ya dig it?) eliminates this problem because you can manuever it into whatever position is most comfy and just go to town, VCT FREE!

Suggested Improvements: Detachable heads in different shapes and sizes for the SHAFT (right on) would be awesome. The egg as it is works sufficiently but I could achieve a much stronger orgasm with some silicone-esque rabbit ears or something a little smaller that can really pinpoint my clit. Also, a bit stronger vibration would be nice.

Overall, a good addition to my collection of adult toys. Happy playing!

xoxo,
Bella

This week I'd say they're onto something

2011-06-15T15:50:00.001-05:00

Like Stella (minus the abs)

2011-06-03T22:59:00.001-05:00

My sex drive has been MIA the past few months. Until today. Mr. Man and I had furious passionate sex twice today. And I'm feeling a lil' of my sexy coming back. Maybe its because I started running again a few weeks ago and am slowly beginning to feel better about my body and what it can do. Or maybe its because I haven't had my daily morning dose of processed chemicals in the form of two Poptarts in over a month. Who cares anyway? Zee groove...it is returning.

bella who?

2011-05-10T23:20:00.000-05:00

What up bloggers? I've been a combination of busy and unmotivated to post anything lately. And its kind of annoying because I'll be driving or otherwise engaged in an activity not conducive to typing and will have a brain spasm and realize that a thought or conversation or person or whatever that just crossed my mind is something I'd really like to post about. And then I get home or get busy or get laid, and the post never happens. Ah well, I guess that's just living real life.

The new job is going oddly. Meaning, I am still not adjusted to the extreme opposite natures of former and current bosses, as well as cultures. Much of the time I feel like I'm in some sort of alternate universe or twilight zone because it such a different gig. A much better gig mind you, but bizarrely different. Anyway I know that's vague but that's how I'm generally feeling at the moment.

Life is good though. Next week we leave for vacation. Somewhere beachy and warm, with an ocean. We'll be gone for a week and then the summer gets into full swing with a couple of family weddings, a U2 concert, kiddo's birthday, Mr. Man and my anniversary, a possible pseudo class reunion (now there's a topic I need to post about), a trip north to visit C-Man and M, and who knows what else.

Speaking of our friends, they came to visit us a few weeks ago (another post I need to make happen). Mr. Man and M took off on a little trip a few hours away while C-Man and I stayed home and did domestic-like things. And some things I wouldn't exactly qualify as such. Wink wink. It was a fabulous time but too short as always.

Anywho, it's past bedtime for me and so I leave you with a virtual kiss and an oldie but goodie, a picture of me and Mr. Dyson.

G'night.

xoxo,
Bella

my favorite panties

2011-04-25T22:36:00.001-05:00

playing with toys (and boys)

2011-04-21T22:30:00.000-05:00

"Does that pussy feel good?"

His commanding voice penetrated my ear through the phone.

I moaned "yes, god, oh so good baby."

"Are you going to cum for me slut?"

Another aggressive question from him. Another breathless moan from me.

I was using a new toy I'd been asked to review. A Japanese G-Spot Squirmy from EdenFantasys to be specific. A lavender one to be even more so.

Honestly, I'd never been that keen on g-spot stimulation. I mean, it makes me feel like I'm going to pee all over the place and for me, that's just not a pleasant sensation and kind of ruins the sexy. But I'm all for trying new and sexy things for the sake of research.

Once I got it out of the package I was pleased with the feel of it. Soft, silky almost, firm. A good size too, not huge but not tiny either, just right. Goldilocks would approve. And those nubs...I couldn't wait to try out those nubs.

So first, the technical stuff, all of which you can read about here but this is my brief take...The clit attachment vibrates with your choice of three speeds. The shaft twirls around, also with three different speeds and a reverse direction option to shake things up a bit. The control pad lights up with the lowest speed showing one light and on up to three lights for when you are in the mood to max the mutha out. It's relatively quiet, one of my quieter toys actually so that's nice. Wanna use it in the shower? Go for it, this baby is waterproof. Just make sure you have AAA batteries handy. But really, what kind of a sex toy user are you if you don't keep a supply of batteries at the ready?

Another similar disclaimer about me...I've also never been big on using a toy for insertion. I have always found my favorite toys to be clit stimulation only. I mean, that's all I need to cum quick and hard. Insertion is great and all but not my first go-to if my end goal is a nice climax. Even with other rabbit vibrators that I own, I usually would only use the cute bunny ears to do my business and the shaft was simply a convenient thing to hang on to. I'm weird, I know.

But this, this would give me the best of both worlds right? As well, it would spin around inside me AND vibrate my yummy bits! Bonus! Off came my clothes and into the bed I went. Somehow I ended up on the phone with C-Man and soaking wet in all the right places. I have no idea how that came about but it was quite the yummy afternoon.

I was not disappointed in my new friend. The best way I can describe it was like a lovely massage for my girl parts. Depending on the angle I tilted it, it hit The Spot with as much intensity as I wished. I wasn't sure I'd like the twirling aspect inside me but I did; hence the massaging effect that I found pleasant and subtle. For me, subtle is good when it comes to messing around with my g-spot. See previous mention of peeing all over self. Yeah yeah, I know its supposed to feel like that and that means you've hit the right place but personally, I like subtle. Usually anyway and in this case, definitely.

I found myself holding the toy steady at an angle I liked and allowing it to do all the work. The twirling of the shaft made the clit stimulator hit my sweet pea at regular intervals, teasing me and building the plea

sure slowly. Until, and oh yeah, it happened more than once, I exploded into a writhing ball of happy goo.

Negatives? None to speak of. This cutie gets the second favorite spot among my collection of sex toys. I still can't beat my trusty nubby bullet for compactness and speedy work. But this one does come quite close.

My phone sex conversation ended with whimpers and breathless moans from me and an "I'm so gonna use that on you next week" from C-Man. And he will.

Happy playing!

xoxo,
Bella

drowsy post

2011-04-09T15:48:00.000-05:00

Hi folks. Just dropping in to say hello. And I happen to be very sleepy, hence the title.

Things are wild. I started a new job just over a week ago and am experiencing severe culture shock, but its in a good way. In addition to learning how to use a Mac (I'm a former PC girl who had never touched a Mac in her life, but am quickly changing my tune), the new boss is extremely laid back...as in, bizarrely so. I'm used to working for somewhat of a hoverer, not to mention a crazy person, in the former gig and this ultra casual approach has thrown me for a bit of a loop. But I'm adjusting and so far, so good. Mr. Man's work is also crazy and that requires adjustments on all sides each year.

But anywho.

Coming up...a sex toy review for EdenFantasys by moi, our friends visit us in a couple of weeks, and the Bella clan will hit the beach for a vacation with a hot nanny in tow.

Hope you're having a great weekend!

xoxo,
Bella

again please

2011-04-04T22:25:00.001-05:00

I want to do this again. And this. Just rereading those posts make me squirm with anticipation and desire.

Neither of us are new to the feelings of wanting to control and wanting to BE controlled, but we are new to acting those feelings out. I was surprised at what that session did to awaken things inside me that I had an inkling existed but was never quite sure. Now I know that they definitely are there and I want to explore them more, to go deeper, further, harder.

I think.

Its certainly not a question of trust. I have found the perfect partner to explore these things with and I wouldn't even dream of going there with someone I didn't trust completely. Its a question of what other feelings might arise (so to speak). What could happen the further we go? How far CAN we go? What are the limits? Those questions both scare and exhilirate me.

So while I know there is for sure "something" there, I'm not quite sure what that "something" is. Its not tangible and is very difficult for me to even put into words what happened in my head while C-Man was owning me. There was nothing else outside of that leash and collar, that room, that bed, those hands, that cock, that voice, those commands, those slaps... It was just me and my head being led into a mental place I'd never delved that far into before. It was a letting go and just simply....being. It was a floating on some sort of erotic and psychological release.

I loved letting it all go and C-Man having his way, totally and completely. But I also loved fighting back, the struggle, the playing at resisting when what I really wanted was for him to overpower my resistance and deem it futile. That made something click inside me. The struggle, me losing, and then a rush of passion. As in, I wanted to fucking bite him. What the hell is that all about?

I suppose this may sound naive to anyone who is more experienced in such things but for me, its new and intriguing and depending on my mood, I want it more than anything, or I don't want it at all. Its confusing to me and makes perfect sense.

And in three weeks, C-Man is coming back to do it again.

xoxo,
Bella

Robots are a girl's best friend

2011-03-28T10:28:00.001-05:00

I am not really a big jewelry person.

Wait, did you hear that? It was all the wallets of the men in my life breathing huge sighs of relief.

However, I do like quirky, different jewelry. Handmade baubles or unique pieces with some sort of personality.

Like this one....his name is Herman.

Have a great week!

Xoxo,
Bella

Ahhhhhhhh!!!

2011-03-24T23:21:00.001-05:00

I started a post, deleted it. Started another one. Deleted it as well. And now I'm posting about my deleted posts. I am a crazy person. Stay tuned. I'll get it right soon. I hope.

Xoxo,
Bella

If you can't sleep, fuck

2011-03-16T02:37:00.001-05:00

2:30 am is the current time as I lay in bed and type this on my phone.

Mr. Man and I can't sleep so we just had sex. Might as well right? We both have to be up in a few short hours to go to our respective jobs and yet, sleep eludes us.

Insomnia is frustrating. Maybe we'll fuck again just to spite it.

cupping

2011-03-12T22:45:00.000-06:00

Good Stuff, etc

2011-03-12T13:21:00.000-06:00

Some good stuff has been happening in my other life here lately. You know, my daily regular normal vanilla life, the one that doesn't involve sex with hot men and wearing collars and leashes around the house. That life.

Career-wise, things are taking a turn in a good direction. Or at least a different direction, and in this case different is good. I'm all about different, I need different. So on that front I'm excited and ready for big changes over the next few months.
In sexier news, Mr. Man will be whisking M away on a little getaway in a few weeks, while C-Man hangs out with me and we continue this amazing thing we've got going. And yes, I have the best of intentions of posting more about his last visit and my foray into bondage and submission. Hopefully soon. Our future looks exciting and well, sexy as hell.
I had lunch with our friend 13 Messages the other day. Its so cool to hang out with him and be able to talk freely about whatever. Our conversations can get rather deep and I'm always left thinking about them long afterward. I'm lucky to have him as a friend.
I can taste spring in the air here and I love it. Mr. Man mowed the yard today for the first time this season, I've seen buttercups (yeah, we call 'em "buttercups" around here. "Daffodils" is so...formal.) blooming on ditchbanks and the breeze today was just lovely. Oh, and I'm itching to get my spray tan on and show a little skin. And did I mention a long weekend at the beach has been booked for May? Complete with hot nanny and a sweet condo.

So yes, life is pretty damn good right now.

my submissive self

2011-03-02T21:46:00.000-06:00

The collar was black leather with silver studs, three D rings and a soft red fabric lining. He had given me the collar at our last meeting, unused but waiting for him to return and confine me within its circle. It felt wildly erotic, the weight of submission around my slender neck.

He brought out the matching leash. Long black leather snaking around his strong arm, the silver clasp making a sexy clinking sound as he fastened leash to collar, sub to Dom.

I could feel myself beginning to slip into the edges of that place I had only briefly tasted once before. I wanted this. I had always wanted this. I just didn't know how much.

From the tub

2011-02-19T21:10:00.001-06:00

I'm writing this while in the bath. If it never gets posted it means I dropped my phone. But I guess there's really no need to state that since you'd never see it anyway. Whatever.

Right now Mr. Man and C-Man are laughing at some sitcom together in the living room. Hello Bizarro World. It's just one of many things that have happened over the last few days that strike me as only happening in someone else's reality, not my own.

I'm not complaining mind you, just reporting events. I've made some sexual discoveries this week. There has been some heavy collar and leash play for instance. I.Loved.This. I thought I would but you never know. My submissive self is intoxicating. Meaning, I went to another place in my mind and there was nothing but being dominated and losing myself to the sensations of being "taken" and pleasing someone I trust and care about. It was phenomenal. We had experimented a bit with the sub/dom stuff at the hotel during C-Man's last visit, but nothing like this. I am still processing how I feel about it and what it means but for now, suffice it to say, I'm into it.

Another thing that happened in Crazytown was this...C-Man is sleeping upstairs in a guestroom. I went to say "goodnight", we had amazing sex and I came downstairs to join Mr. Man in bed and we fucked as well. I felt like such a whore, in the most favorable and hottest sense of the word.

My bathwater is getting chilly. Time to dry off and see what the men are up to.

Xoxo,
Bella

Perhaps

2011-02-16T22:20:00.001-06:00

Today's activities may or may not have included steaming up the windows of my car with C-Man in the short term parking garage at the airport, being fucked over the kitchen island, as well as in a couple of places in the living room, and of course, in bed.

Tomorrow we're shooting for the bathroom and the park.

G'night.

Xoxo,
Bella

From Bella, With Lust

2011-02-13T20:09:00.000-06:00

Happy Valentine's Day!

This is my card to you all.

That is, if you "celebrate" or acknowledge the day. If you don't, then I guess here's just some cold nips in a wifebeater and one of my favorite ties from Mr. Man's closet.

xoxo,

Bella

Part Two, Bella's Elusive O

2011-02-07T22:56:00.000-06:00

Now where was I? Oh yes, it was time for C-Man to witness "the event". He had heard me climax over the phone but in person is altogether a different matter of course. Even with a vibe I have to be in the right frame of mind, suffiiciently stimulated and turned on. Not that this was a problem given that C-Man had just fucked me crazy. Don't get me wrong about my issue with climaxing, I love love love a cock inside of me. I love the feeling of fullness and of being entered over and over again. I just need a lil extra somethin' somethin' to take me over the edge.

The first time happened just as C-Man described. What he can't tell you about is what was going on in my head. Cumming with someone new is kind of a big deal for me, but actually this first time with C-Man was easier than the times afterwards in the hotel (but thats another post).

So I reached over and opened the "sexy drawer" of my nightstand. By the way, if you don't have a sexy drawer, you totally should. Another motto of mine is to "keep all things erotic within easy reach of the bed". Not as catchy as "cum big or go home" but just as wise. My sexy drawer has my favorite vibe, batteries, some erotica, lube, a couple of my favorite pornos, and a glass dildo (from our lovely friends I might add). Stock it as you please but by all means, get yourself a sexy drawer! You can thank me later.

C-Man says "what are you doing?"...I tell him "I'm about to use my vibrator"....he gets a twinkle in his eye and a devilish grin and replies "And I'm about to pay very close attention".... That guy makes me laugh.

My vibe is a purple bullet with nubby things on it. In case you were wondering or anything. I get a new one every so often but this is my latest favorite. You know what? I should name it...ohhhhh, next post will be "Name Bella's Vibe"...I'll have to come up with a cool giveaway for the winner or something. Ok, anyway, focus Bella focus.

Cumming with Mr. Purple Bullet (nah, not original enough) is always good. But cumming with the Lavender Lover (oh, that has possibilities, what do you think?) while your playmate expertly fingers your g-spot? Fucking amazingly intense and deeply satisfying. As in skin-tingling-body-glistening-breath-taking-fist-clenching-toe-curling-break-your-partners-neck-and-then-roll-yourself-into-a-ball-and-see-jesus kind of intense. Poor guy, I should have warned him that I might attack him while riding the wave and then of the aftermath where I withdraw into myself and need time to recenter and come back to earth.

And then what do I do after the sex is over and we begin to drift off to sleep all cuddled up? I grab my pillow and a blanket and leave him alone in my and my husband's bed. What? He was breathing really loudly and was kindof snoring a little. Sue me. Sometimes I am such a bitch.

G'night.

xoxo,
Bella

heat

2011-02-05T23:00:00.000-06:00

Bella's Elusive O, Part I

2011-02-02T22:06:00.000-06:00

My brain is a weird place. But you know that already. Its also weird when it comes to sex, the climaxing part at least. As sexy and erotic as the physical aspect of Mr. Man"s and my relationship is with C-Man and M, from my perspective the mental aspect is just as intriguing.

As I may have mentioned before, I am not the easiest girl for a lover to bring to climax. As a matter of fact, it is damn near impossible without the aid of a vibrator. This is no fault of the other party, it is a factor of someone knowing my body, how and where I like to be touched, what turns me on, as well as my own mentality and focus at the time. That last one is probably the most difficult one. (For the record, I can masturbate myself to the Big Finish with no problems if my head is in it).

Although my climaxes may be somewhat elusive for most partners (I can cum with Mr. Man EVERY time, dude has got it down y'all), the reward for patience and persistence is this....I am not a mini-orgasm girl nor a quiet cummer. My motto is "cum big or go home". When I orgasm, I orgasm with my entire body and the neighbors will probably hear it as it is happening. It is a big loud raucous deal, an event if you will. Angels sing and fairies dance. Or something like that. Bottom line, its fucking fabulous and I should charge admission for this shit.Gawd, I want to masturbate right NOW. Wait, am I digressing? Because I feel like I'm digressing...a little bit.

Anywho.

I had warned C-Man about this little quirk of mine a long time ago. I just don't want a guy to think "oh I got this" and then have his ego crushed when it doesn't happen. Because here's another thing about me, I will NOT fake it for anyone. If it ain't working, it ain't working and can we please go eat some chocolate cake or watch The Sound of Music or something?

I think the act of me cumming was something of a mystery to C-Man that he wanted to solve, wanted to witness, to figure out, discover. He told me that he wanted to see me cum at some point and to learn what makes it happen for me, and if that meant we use a vibe, by all means, we use a vibe. I mean really, who's gonna say no to that?

And so, it was time...

daydreaming

2011-01-30T21:10:00.000-06:00

I do that a lot. Dream. In random places, anywhere goes, even in my bathroom laying on the cold tile floor with my crossed legs kicked in the air.

At this moment I'm propped against the headboard on Mr. Man's side of the bed. I've been sitting here for thirty minutes or so decompressing from a tough day in mommy land and dreaming of going somewhere.

Alone.

Back to New York City maybe. I know just where I'd stay too. My own little "apartment" in a nondescript, hardly noticeable unless you know its there inn on the Upper West Side. I've stayed there alone before and it is the perfect retreat for me.

Surrounded by people and yet still anonymous. I think I like that best.

Xoxo.
Goodnight,
Bella

harsh lights

2011-01-29T22:20:00.000-06:00

this might be the least sexy thing you read all day

2011-01-19T21:10:00.000-06:00

Actual text conversation from today...

Bella: OMG, I don't know what to get in the Monistat aisle...too many choices....WTF???? I have to shoot something in my hoo-hah? Nooooooooooooo....

Friend: Hahaha yes you do - get the one day option.

Bella: Really???? Omg...

Friend: Yes - and get the one that has an egg.

Bella: What's the diff in 3 day, 7 day, etc??? And what happened to a simple cream??? And why is this so fucking expensive???

Friend: The number of days is the # of days you have to shoot it in your hoo-hah.

Bella: Fuck naw.

Friend: They hate us.

Bella: Is this egg thing going to dissolve or what????

Friend: That's why I said 1 day hahaha. Yes and there is less messy-ness I've heard.

Bella: Omg Omg Omg...can u tell I've never had to do this before??? And I am soooooo getting chocolate for this.

Friend: Hahahahahahahaha its ok - I haven't either but my roommate got one a month I swear.

Bella: Damn antibiotics...being a girl sucks ass.

Friend: Agreed!

progression

2011-01-19T21:05:00.000-06:00

If you've been reading Bella for any length of time at all, then you know that over the past several months Mr. Man and I have developed a great relationship with the lovely couple from this blog. I haven't posted about our last visit with C-Man and M due to holiday madness and what have you. Honestly, its a bit difficult to know what to write about. Do I recount the sexy dirty details, or delve into the emotional aspects? Discuss the future, or analyze what got us to this point? Maybe a bit of it all? Anyway, here we go.

Our friends flew to our part of the country for a pre-holiday visit. We all decided the arrangements this time were going to be somewhat different. I feel like I should say that it was never the plan to have this "lifestyle" cross over or mesh at all into our "normal" lives. I use those terms for lack of better ones. And yet, it was also never the plan to meet a couple like C-Man and M and develop the type of relationship that we have. But things don't always go as planned do they?

The plan, a full swap with each male/female couple having one night in a lovely fantastic gorgeous hotel while the other couple stayed at home, being all domestic and just hanging out. What made this visit different and more meaningful in many ways is that we introduced C-Man and M to our daughter. Mr. Man and I had no qualms about this decision. We have become very close, outside of the sexual realm, and this level of trust and friendship makes it quite a natural thing for us to include them in our daily lives. As I knew she would, kiddo took right up with C-Man and M and had a blast doing fun toddler things with them. From her perspective, they are mommy and daddy's friends, just like all our other couple friends, and nothing more. As a sidenote, I've found it very interesting to read and talk to other like-minded bloggers with children and discuss if and how they handle (or plan to handle) this issue, especially with older children. A serious topic for another post at some point I think.

After picking our friends up at the airport and enjoying a bit of brunch at one of our favorite places in town, we made the drive home and the four of us enjoyed each other on our bed. If I remember correctly, I stalked C-Man to the back of the house and was waiting seductively on the bed when he came out of the bathroom. Yeah, I know, I'm subtle like that. It didn't take Mr. Man and M very long to join us. The experience of group sex was as great as before and it gets less awkward with each time. It is still one of the hottest things in the world for me to watch Mr. Man being made to cum at the hands, or mouth, or girly bits of another woman. I guess I'm just freaky like that (in addition to being subtle of course). He enjoys the sight of me giving and taking pleasure from another as well.

There was some psychological stuff going on with me, especially during the alone time with C-Man. All good things by the way, but things I want to digest a bit more and perhaps put into another post. I still wrestle with how much to share and how much to keep to myself. It does at times help with that whole self-expression thing to get it out there and let strangers weigh in so we'll see. I am evolving as a sexual being and its sometimes bizarre to watch that happen. And do I digress into random territory sometimes or what?!?

Bedtime for me. Spankings for the rest of you.

xoxo,
Bella

new coat

2011-01-12T22:05:00.000-06:00

I have quite a sexy story to tell and am trying to find the right words to express it. But for now, here's a new frock.

I feel rather erotic Nancy Drew in this coat. But not in that "finding the secret of the old clock" kind of way...more like "I wanna answer the door naked underneath this" kind of way.

I think I hear the doorbell now...

xoxo,

Bella

tired and weird

2011-01-03T21:21:00.000-06:00

It's funny. I want to write, truly I do. But my brain is blank, or maybe its my interest level. I swear to god I am so moody I drive myself crazy. I've tried to post multiple times here and elsewhere and this one is as far as I've gotten. I wish my life wasn't so compartmentalized. The end and goodnight.

xoxo,
Bella

What'd I miss?

2010-12-31T16:55:00.000-06:00

Hi y'all. Gah, that sounded so Brittney Spears didn't it? I apologize.

It seems that I have returned from my holiday hiatus on New Years Eve. Apparently I have no plans for the night as you can tell. Its been nice to have a few weeks off from Bella. A step back and I feel some sense of renewal and am somewhat ready for a fresh start in many aspects.

The holidays were good to me and Mr. Man and a lot has changed, all of it for the better. I think. Maybe. God I'm such a cynic. Let's see...I had a birthday during my break and am now officially smack dab in the middle of my 30s. On good days I feel I'm in the prime of my life and on the bad ones I feel like time is running out on me. We moved into a new house. Seriously, what an ordeal that was. But we are settled now and all is well. Kiddo had a fabulous Christmas and is now BFFs with this Santa character. We had another adventure with C-Man and M which was amazing and great and I'm not sure what to say about it right now.

There were presents too. For instance, flowers sent to me on the same day by both Mr. Man AND C-Man. I had to quickly make up some goofy story as to why I had two vases of gorgeous blooms on my desk and who from. Heheheh. Needless to say, I felt a wee bit special on that particular day and overwhelmed by my boys' sweetness. Everybody say awwww.

Then on the naughtier side, check out this gift from C-Man...Is it cute or what? And sexy in an innocent and demure sort of way. There's also another one that's more utilitarian (ahem) and not one I'd wear in public like this one, wink wink. Pictures to come. Naked ones even. If you're good.

Did I say something about not having plans for tonight? I take that back. I do believe there will be some wine, some porn, and some fucking going on in order to suitably ring in 2011. Hopefully I can get all that in before 10:30 because I'm tired y'all.

Happy New Year!

xoxo,
Bella

A Blogging Vacation

2010-12-03T00:26:00.000-06:00

Your assignment: To pretend I'm in Paris, wearing a cute beret and writing in my Moleskine at a sidewalk cafe. Except it has to be spring or summertime because I don't do sidewalk cafes in weather that requires more than a cashmere sweater preferably a red one so maybe instead you should pretend that I'm in St. Martin sipping a fruity beverage while reading Whitman under one of those multi-colored umbrellas except I'm not really much of a beach person and am honestly not that big of a Whitman fan either so never mind lets go with a chalet in the Swiss Alps wearing a snuggie and wool socks while sipping on hot cider listening to opera while cursing the ridiculous constraints of punctuation.

Yes, thats it. Carry on. Too much wine yes?

I'm taking a bit of a vacation from this spot in cyberland. Just until after the holiday madness and some life madness I've got going on subsides a bit. Besides, a break can be a good thing at times. I'll be back.

xoxo,

Bella

I swear I didn't submit this

2010-11-24T13:35:00.001-06:00

A local publication has a page dedicated to PostSecret-like confessions. This was my favorite from this month's issue.

Lightheaded Bella in a Red Dress

2010-11-21T00:42:00.000-06:00

Since I got all burlesque-y there for a few weeks, I had the chance to attend an event that required a little vamping it up. Ok, so looking like one of those girls who slithers all over a grand piano while huskily giving oral to a microphone wasn't a requirement for attendance, it was a great excuse to buy a new dress and fishnets. Girls, you understand me right? Right.

Now I am not really a dress wearing kind of girl. Well, I take that back, if I'm in the mood I do occasionally like to dress up and look girly, but its the discomfort of it all that kills me. I mean really, who invented pantyhose, tights, heels, strapless bras and all the itchy accoutrements of what passes as mainsteam sexy these days anyway? By the time I get all doozied up and leave the house, I'm a raging sweatball of uncomfortable squirming grumpiness. But I fake it fairly well and pretend that this all comes easily and that I'd really not rather be wearing my flannel sock monkey jammies and chenille socks (as I am wearing right now by the way, sorry for the buzzkill).

Which brings me to my disclaimer: While it does appear that I wear the dress pretty well from all outward appearances, you do NOT want to see what is going on underneath there. It is not pretty. Can we say SPANX CITY???? Spanx as in, modern day girdle to hold in all your jiggly bits and give you that sexy flushed cheek look because your head is NOT GETTING ANY OXYGEN!!! Those garments should really be outlawed. Boys, in case you haven't got the gist of what I'm sayin' here yet, looking sexy is such a pain in the ass. You should kiss our feet and give us three hour back massages for even caring. Not even kidding.

But since I endured the torture of my "intimate body shaper" and sexy-as-fuck-as-long-as-I-don't-fall-down stripper heels, I'll be damned if I'm not going to show you the end result.

These last ones (that are obviously not taken from inside my closet) were taken by 13 Messages in a very, shall I say, seductive photo shoot. He already posted a couple of his favorites but here are a few of mine appropriate for ye olde blog.

I suppose I'll be retiring what I call my "Jessica Rabbit Dress" unless another fun event comes along worthy of such an effort, but it was fun to be all snazzy for one night at least. The Spanx however, I'm burning.

G'night.

xoxo,

Bella

two fails

2010-11-19T22:39:00.000-06:00

I felt like posting tonight so excuse me while I spew some randomness at you.

I guess you can add "Burlesque School Dropout" to my list of labels. Out of six classes total I went to four of them I think. One miss was out of my control, the other was sheer intimidation. I never quite got over that hump of "just let go and have fun even if you look like a dancing chicken with a gimp leg" thing. I'm disappointed in myself, but also proud for giving it a go. I can make up the missed classes. Will I? I doubt it.

I've come a long way from shy intimidated wallflower to where I am now but I obviously have a long way to go to get to confident carefree Bella. Each new thing I try is a learning experience and lesson in self discovery and growth. This whole topic has been swirling around in my mind for a while now and I'd like to write it out and may do that eventually, whether in this forum or elsewhere we'll see.

On a sidenote, and something new that I will NOT be trying...Girlcrush's husband (I think I talked about them on my old blog, since deleted. Don't worry, you didn't miss much) has been texting me a bit the last few days. A funny picture here, a silly joke there. He flirted, he vented, he asked me out, he asked to fuck. He's tempting as he is quite attractive, witty, smart, funny as hell and we have a good banter. But my head says that this situation is a recipe for bad news and serious drama for various reasons. I'm pulling the responsible swinger card and not going there. I told him so. He pouted. I rolled my eyes.

In order to avoid an abrupt end to this post, I'm putting a quote here. That works right? Peace out.

Don't worry, it only seems kinky the first time. ~Author Unknown

G'night.
xoxo,
Bella

goodbye sin city

2010-11-11T06:51:00.001-06:00

C-Man gave an excellent recount of our last evening in Vegas together but I'll add my perspective here, as always. C-Man is quite the planner and knowing that we would have very limited time in Vegas for sight-seeeing, he had suggested a champagne filled limo tour of some of the highlights. Perfect plan! M and I got gorgeous for our boys and tumbled (yeah, that's a pretty literal description I'd say) into the limo and basically traded husbands. M claimed territory next to Mr. Man and C-Man and I sat sort of together. In hindsight, I sould have sat in C-Man's lap the entire time but I suppose I'll save that for the next limo ride.

It was lovely and sexy. The highlights of which were the free flowing champagne, posing for pictures at the Las Vegas sign, watching the Bellagio Fountain Show and of course, The Fremont Street Experience (which I loved btw)! We are having a great time, laughing, site seeing, talking...and then C-Man points to the other side of the limo and there is M all up in Mr. Man's bizniz! Now why, at this point, I didn't jump C-Man in the limo I will never know. Sometimes I am a complete idiot. And sometimes, I'm still that really shy girl who doesn't quite know what to do with herself.

As N 2 Deep said, we go back to the hotel. C-Man's account of M's boxing out of Mr. Man in the elevator at our floor is spot on but I honestly didn't realize that was happening until he filled me in on M's clever man trapping skilz. I wasn't sure how the swap was going to go down but I guess I didn't need to worry!

Kissing another man in public seems almost naughtier than fucking him in private. Have I mentioned that I laid a quick but passionate kiss on him in the Bellagio earlier? No? Well I did and he loved it I must say. Kissing in the hallway on the way to our room just felt so....dirty...I like dirty.

Vegas in general, the crazy travel schedule and the time difference had made us very worn out lovers. But we managed I assure you. As C-Man said, the rest is a bit hazy. Like an erotic dream you can't quite remember in the morning but try really hard to so you can relive it throughout the day. There was a perfect combo of fucking, cuddling and napping. Enough said.

We had to say goodbye to them that "morning" since our flight was so damn early. Sleep was way down the priority list and Mr. Man even headed to the casino after his adventures with M. I got a text from Mr. Man on his way to the slot machines..."Have fun? I sure did". Cracked me up. Like we'd just been to Disneyworld or something. I love him and I love that M makes him feel so good.

We'll see them again in a little over a month when they make their way south again. I am liking this arrangement very much.

xoxo,
Bella

First toy review - Neon Luv Touch Mini Mite

2010-11-04T23:30:00.001-05:00

I've always been intrigued by other blogger's sex toy reviews and have been mildly interested in doing some of my own but hadn't pursued it. Someone read my mind because the fine folks at TheirToys.com asked if I'd like to review one of their products here on Bella. Of course I said yes. I mean this IS a sex blog and I AM into sex, and they DO sell sex toys...so what's to refuse?

Within a few days I received, free of charge, the Neon Luv Touch Mini Mite to, ahem, play with. Now, I love mini vibrators. Love them. Maybe because they're so cute, compact and portable, and did I mention cute? However, it has been my experience that when it comes to making me cum, mini vibes tend to fall a bit short. I mean, they can get the job done but less, um, powerfully, or something. If you know me at all, you know that my motto is "never say never" and I especially never say never to trying a new vibe. And yeah, they're so damn adorable that I can't resist them anyway. Kind of like musicians. But that's another post.

The product arrived in very discreet packaging which is always important in keeping secret sexy side activities on the down low from nosy mail carriers and neighbors. And look how cute! And pink! I immediately named her Pixie. What? I name all my sex toys. Gah, y'all are so weird.

The Luv Touch is quite inexpensive ($9.99 on TheirToys.com), requires one AA battery and comes in a variety of bright colors and even Glow in the Dark! The vibe feels great to the touch, almost silky-like. Also, notice the four different head attachments. My first mission? To test out each head to see how they felt on my lady bits and find my favorite one. The one that would send me over the edge into, well, you know, mini vibe bliss. And so, I inserted a battery and got busy.

Positives: Silky feel of the vibe in my hand, compact size, great color, perfect for travel or throwing in your purse or pocket on date night (yeah, I go on THOSE kind of dates), had enough power to potentially get me off, the four different heads were great (my favorite was the 2nd one in case you were wondering), easy clean up with soap and water, and it is waterproof, although I didn't test that feature.

Negatives: A bit noisy although I have come to expect that from less expensive toys. The biggest negative was the on/off switch. The top third (or bottom third, depending on how you look at it) of the vibe twists to either an "on", "off" or "open" position. At first it worked fine but as I would turn it off to change out the heads, it started to become more difficult to turn back on. It appeared that the top of the vibe wasn't pressing down on the battery hard enough to make it vibrate. This problem kind of ruined the mood for me.

Conclusion: While I was pleased with the silky feel, size, cuteness and vibration strength, I was unable to orgasm due to the on/off issue. I would definitely try another one of these in hopes that my particular vibe was an anomaly because I really do want to like this toy.

Rating: C

I hope you enjoyed my first (but hopefully not last) toy review!

Goodnight all.

xoxo,
Bella

so many posts, so little time

2010-10-28T01:00:00.000-05:00

The last several days have been a bit of a whirlwind (in a good way) in my "real life" but you should know that I've been faithfully posting here in my mind! Really.

Stay tuned for discussions of the ongoing burlesque saga, my first sex toy review, maybe some angsty stuff, a halloween costume, my conclusions to the Vegas fun, and I'm pretty sure a lady in red is going to show up at some point.

G'night.
xoxo,
Bella

Brunch in Vegas, Sex for Dessert

2010-10-24T23:27:00.000-05:00

This was probably the shortest trip to Vegas in the history of trips to Vegas, but also one of the hottest since we were there with our friends, so I'm definitely counting it as a win. For my recount of the first part of our trip, read this.

Day 2...we played tourist. We met up for a very expensive buffet downstairs at our hotel. Very Expensive. And Mr. Man and I didn't even get the champagne option. I could have purchased a kick ass pair of shoes with what that buffet cost! Although, I have to say, it was sooooooo yummy! I ate and ate and ate. Oh Vegas, you are not good for my belly fat.

After ~~eating a new pair of Jimmy Choos~~ breakfast/brunch we wandered around, checked out the Bellagio, the Venetian, chatted and people watched. The ever thoughtful C-Man had arranged for a limo tour that night so we returned to our rooms to get fancied up for our evening of more sightseeing. Mr. Man and I go up to their room for some reason, I don't remember why. I also don't remember why my wallet was left in their room....I do remember that I "had" to go back up and get it and ended up in bed yet again with a naked M and C-Man. Don't you just hate it when that happens? Yeah, me neither.

This is when I get some girl time with M. Oh my. Girl can kiss. Girl can lick pussy too. I am a lucky lady. M pleasured me for a nice long time while C-Man kissed me and tortured my nipples and breasts. And I mean tortured in a good way. I do like it somewhat rough at times and oh my...happy sexy shivers when I think back... M decided to take advantage of the huge tub and get a head start on becoming even more gorgeous for the evening's activities. C-Man and I, well, we fucked. Its still a bit surreal to be with another man. However, I like surreal.

I will admit that after this session I was feeling a bit guilty that I had been having all the fun so far and Mr. Man hadn't been with M yet. Sure, he'd fucked me the night before but he can do that any ol' time. So I was happy to find out that M had big plans for Mr. Man for later that night....

A post on the conclusion to our weekend still to come. But for now, kisses and spankings!

xoxo,
Bella

now where is that feather boa?

2010-10-18T23:10:00.001-05:00

I mentioned in a prior post that in a moment of insanity I had signed up for a six week burlesque class. Sometimes I have a tendency to start things and not finish them so I wasn't sure how much to post about the class until I was sure I was going to actually go through with it. Well, I've been to three classes so far and there are only six total so I think I'm safely ensconced into the world of beginner hip rolls and shimmies.

However, let me just say that I kind of suck at this burlesque thing. As in, no coordination, no memory of steps after class so I can at least practice, no concept of timing, etc. Horrible I tell you. After the first class I couldn't decide whether to laugh or cry. I just didn't seem to "get" it. A little slow on the hip roll uptake so to speak. Even setting foot into a dance studio was a huge leap outside of my comfort zone. I played basketball in high school, which takes coordination for sure but I would have probably been better suited for dance if I'd been a cheerleader or one of those flag/baton chicks in band. But I was super proud of myself for showing up at all and vowed that I wouldn't quit, told myself that the first class would be the hardest, blah blah blah. All the shit you say when you're trying to convince yourself that you're not crazy for doing whatever it is.

After three classes I still suck, but I'm having more fun with it, that's for sure. I needed to loosen up, stop thinking so much, have FUN for fuck's sake. I'm getting there although I've refused to show anyone the routine we're working on until I feel more comfortable with it but I think I'll be at that point soon. Maybe. Don't hold your breath. Perhaps.

The routine is to "Whatever Lola Wants" which is a song I've always loved. It stays in my head for hours after class.

I'm not sure if I'll continue into the advanced classes or not. But I'm so glad I'm doing this and in my quest to check things off my bucket list and experience and try new things, this is a biggie. Now I'm off to practice my glove peels.

Goodnight.

xoxo,
Bella

vegas, night 1

2010-10-16T21:55:00.000-05:00

Why hello Las Vegas! Mr. Man and I got into Vegas about 9:15pm last Friday. Vegas time is 2 hours behind Central time so uh, yeah, we were already tired from a long day of traveling (we didn't have a nonstop flight) and the time change. But fuck, IT'S VEGAS right??? I wasn't planning on sleeping until I passed out anyway. The hotel was amazing, as many of them are in that town. We check out the gorgeous room, throw our stuff down and go meet up with our friends.

Its so nice to see them again. I really can't believe how lucky we are to have randomly found another couple that we like hanging out with so much, regardless of the sex. This second time feels much different. We already know each other quite well and have kept in touch since they came to visit us so we have a lot to talk about and are just freakin' happy to see each other. There aren't as many jitters on my part or those "I wonder if he'll like me" feelings. We head out to a mexican restaurant close by and catch up over a very late dinner and a drink. We meander around and take our time walking back to the hotel and up to their room to check out the view. Yeah right.

As M mentioned, we are all extremely tired. And lets face it, I'm old and am not used to staying up as late as I used to back in the day. I make myself comfy on their bed and C-Man begins to give me a lovely and relaxing foot rub. Score! An exhausted Mr. Man decides to head up to our room and get a head start on sleep (and according to M's post about Day 2, this was a smart move because he needed to save up his energy for her!) but I'm half asleep and perfectly content right where I am. M passes out next to me and C-Man and I begin to enjoy each other. I am not sleeping without some cock first.

C-Man handles my body so powerfully and I love his confidence in and out of bed. He took control just as I wanted and made me feel so fucking good. His tongue on my clit, his hands on my breasts and ass, his thick yummy cock in my slick wet pussy...and then there was the chair...Somehow we end up getting off the bed and across the room closer to the huge windows. C-Man sits in a chair and I'm on my knees with his cock in my mouth. But wait, there's more...then I'm fucking him. He's sitting, I turn around so my back is to his front and I sit on his cock. His strong hands on my hips guiding me up and down on his hardness. My hands on his knees, my breasts bouncing, head thrown back moaning with sheer pleasure. This is why I came to Vegas. To fuck in front of a huge picture window looking out onto The Strip.

Both exhausted, we say goodnight and I get somewhat dressed and head to my room, cum dripping out of my used up pussy. C-Man, is this the time you walk me to my room to make sure I can get in the door? I had major issues with doors on this trip people. They were not my friends and I couldn't figure out how to open any of them. But it would seem that my night is not yet over. Mr. Man is asleep. Or so I thought. I put on my nightie and climb into bed. Next thing I remember is Mr. Man fucking me. Hard and lustful. I have just been fucked by two men within an hour. Gawd I love Vegas.

Replaying all of this has me aching to cum but Mr. Man is out. My new bullet vibe is about to get a workout.

Goodnight and sleep well.
xoxo,
Bella

between my legs

2010-10-12T21:14:00.000-05:00

More from me soon on the sexy adventures in Vegas, but for now go check out our friend's first post on the shenanigans.

i would say this shit on twitter

2010-10-11T23:20:00.000-05:00

but i deleted that account several months ago. so here's another quickie post to let you know i'm still around and am trying not to let this blog die.

we got back from vegas yesterday...and yes, it was just as fun and crazy and sexy as you'd hoped. i'll recap soon. really. i swear.

coming back to real life today has been such a downer and i'm battling the pms monster and the i-hate-my-job-monster and the i'm-so-behind-on-blogs-emails-and-comments monster. damn monsters.

in the meantime, here are my legs. woohoo.

goodnight.
xoxo,
bella

Happenings

2010-10-08T16:11:00.001-05:00

I'm heading to Vegas with Mr. Man as we speak to meet up with C-Man and his lovely lady. And I had my first burlesque class last a few days ago. Much to write about both of those soon I'm sure!
Xoxo,
Bella

getting over myself

2010-10-06T22:27:00.001-05:00

Ok, first of all, there are WAY more important things going on in the world than the little whine-fest in my prior post. I fully realize this, but I also am completely at peace with the fact that you are only getting one little slice of the whole on this blog that is me. So while my perspective may appear skewed from this piece of the ol' internets, rest assured, I'm not shallow enough to assume that my body image issues are anything short of petty and minor in the grand scheme of things. This is just my place to bitch about them. I have other blogs where I feed the hungry, adopt orphans and work towards world peace. Just wanted to get that disclaimer out of the way.

Secondly, wow, how do you people sleep at night with all of that LOGIC running rampant in your cute little brains???? I received a lot of astute comments, tough love, and emails from you guys and dammit if you don't make a lot of sense. I really hate it when that happens. I keed. I appreciate all of your thoughts and feedback on my little tantrum. Many of you made me think, made me look inward and made me approach the issue from different angles, so to speak. And while I don't have my sexy back completely, I know what I need to do to get it back, its just a matter of actually doing it. Implementation has always been my weakness.

I know that feeling good about myself comes from within (as many of you stated in different ways) and its up to me to foster self confidence and love myself. I know this. I need to reassess some things and refocus on being healthy, both for my physical self and in how I live my life and think about things in general. Its a battle and one that I tend to overthink, which has been my downfall in the past. Baby steps right? Less self-centeredness, more doing for others. Less "omg, she hurt my feelings", more "how can I build this person up". And lets face it, less chocolate, more elliptical.

Y'all are kind of awesome.
xoxo,
Bella

The truth hurts

2010-09-26T19:30:00.001-05:00

Humor is usually my defense mechanism but I'm fresh out of sarcastic self-depreciating banter. Maybe.

A family member made a comment about me this weekend that shattered my already fragile confidence about my physical self. All these photos you see here and the sexy confident talk? The chatter is fake confidence that I share on the better days and the photos are products of good lighting, some mad cropping skilz, and strategically placed towels and clothing. So basically, its fake, all of it.

I'm not proud of the fact that one sentence from someone with about as much tact as Ann Coulter ruined my entire weekend and caused me to cry for hours. But it did. And I'm not even PMSing y'all. I don't ever forget things that hurt me so this is always and forever going to be in the back of my mind. What makes it worse is that its true and was spoken with brutal honesty by someone who has no reason not to be completely candid. She simply called it like she saw it. It stung. Bad.

I'm depressed about it and that makes me angry. And even with reassurances that "she didn't mean anything by it", that "you're sexy and beautiful" and "people are stupid"...I'm not buying it. I know my flaws but it hurts when other people point them out so glaringly.

I'm not sure what its going to take for me to feel sexy and attractive again. Probably time and about 30 less pounds. But until then I'm going to be overly dramatic and shower in the dark and avoid mirrors.

Goodnight.

Xoxo,
Bella

dinner with bloggers, vegas and burlesque...via bullets

2010-09-23T23:08:00.000-05:00

Ok, just to catch you up a bit on stuff 'n things...

I had dinner with 13 Messages and Hubman a week or so ago. I never thought when I started this particular blog that I would have the chance to hang out with other bloggers face to face, in real life, mano y mano, or something like that. I showed Hubman some of that southern hospitality and chaffeured him to and from his hotel and the restaurant where we met up with 13. If anyone at a nearby table was listening in, they got an earful of sexy conversation about open marriage, swinging and the like. Lucky eavesdroppers! It was a great time in the company of two sweet and sexy gentlemen.

Our Vegas trip with C-Man and M is in two weeks!!!! I am so excited I can hardly stand it!!! It will be a whirlwind trip due to babysitter issues on our end but we will make the best of our very limited time there and I know that its gonna be a blast! I've never been to Vegas but its about to get checked off my bucket list. And the fact that I get to go with Mr. Man AND meet up with C-Man and M there in a swanky hotel AND have wild crazy hot sexy time, well now, that's just biscuits and gravy right there! I cannot fucking wait!!!! Can you tell??? You know those valley girls who say "OHMAHGAWD, OHMAHGAWD, OHMAHGAWD" a lot? That's me right now thinking about this trip.

I have no idea what came over me but I have signed up for six weeks of burlesque classes. They start in just over a week. What.The.Hell. A friend happened to mention being interested in going and in a moment of temporary yet all encompassing insanity, I agreed to go with her. After the deed was done and the class registered and paid for, I thought about one of my favorite bloggers, Babe Lincoln and her foray into the world of burlesque. Would it be weird to say that I wish she could go with me to that first class? I need moral support and my friend who got me into this in the first place is as clueless as I am. I'm trying to embrace things outside my normal comfort zone and this definitely qualifies. I've never taken a dance class in my life and I have no rhythm unless I'm drunk off my ass, and then I only THINK I do. But it will be fun I hope and intimidating I'm sure. Hilarity is sure to ensue. Or a broken leg.

Have a great night!
xoxo,
Bella

its safe to come out now

2010-09-19T03:10:00.001-05:00

Wow that last post was pissy huh? This one will probably be incoherent as it is 3:00am and I've drank just enough wine to regret it in the morning. Poor Mr. Man is sick with a sinus infection and went to bed early so I've been a bit bored and lonely. However, I did make it through mountains of laundry and enough raw cookie dough to kill somebody.

Its nights like these that make me wish for a local playmate who I can call up and say "hey, come hang with me and lets cuddle and kiss and touch". I'd pour him a glass or three of wine while wearing my flannal pajamas and he'd hold me in his lap in the recliner. But I don't have this option and so I fold laundry and watch HGTV. And that's ok I guess.

I hope you've all had a good night.
xoxo,
Bella

boys, fingers in ears & close your eyes, this is girl stuff

2010-09-18T06:34:00.000-05:00

Guys, seriously, you've been warned.

Does having several orgasms during your period make it heavier or something? Because I am gushing right now and it totally sucks. Also, I have probably mentioned this before but when I get my hands on that biblical bitch Eve, I am going to fucking cut her. A goddamn apple?!?!?! A goddamn apple is why I am bleeding all over the place, doubled over with cramps and endured physical agony of the girly bits while giving birth?? What.The.Hell. A big gooey piece of chocolate cake, I would totally get it. But a piece of fruit? Fucking moron. Cutting her I tell you. To shreds.

Ok, I feel better now. Back to sleep if I can manage it. Have a nice day. And don't mess with me right now.

xoxo,
Bella

touch me here

2010-09-15T23:00:00.000-05:00

Life has been crazy and blogging light.
So, here's a pic until I can wrap my head around what I want to say next.

the men in my life & the orgasms they give me

2010-09-05T00:25:00.000-05:00

So, in the midst of my stressing lately I'm happy to report that the past few days have also included some seriously hot sexy time. And really, what's better for treating anxiety than a few mindblowing orgasms right? Right.

First there's my sweet and sexy Mr. Man. We took advantage of a day off together and had brunch at one of our favorite places, came home, pulled into the garage and the next thing I know, Mr. Man has my pants down and I'm bent over the back of his car being fucked. Hard. With the garage door wide open. There was even hair pulling. It had been a while since we had what I call "adventurous sex". Back in the day we used to fuck all over the place, in parks, on top of cars, in the theater building at college, oral sex while driving down the road, etc etc. So the open garage session was unexpected, spontaneous, and hot as hell. One of my favorite positions is the man behind me, grabbing my hips and breasts, and pulling me onto his cock fast and hard. Its rhythmic and powerful and Mr. Man is an expert at it. Gawd I'm lucky.

C-Man also rocked my world this week. Somehow, he worked his magic on me and in one phone call gave me not one, not two, but three crazy hard orgasms. I think I've mentioned that phone sex hasn't been my thing in the past, a few times with Jr. High Douche and that's really about the extent of it. Until C-Man got me all hot and bothered with his "fast and northerny" voice in my ear. He says just the right things to me in just the right way. He doms me over the phone as much as that is possible to do and I love it. We had been talking dirty to each other throughout the day and I was needing a release. I was home alone that evening and decided to get naked and get out my favorite vibe. I was dripping and ready to cum before the phone call so the first orgasm was quick and strong and furious. The second one came almost immediately after the first. The third took longer but C-Man is a persistant guy and damn good at making his sexy words translate into climaxes for me, so number three was well worth the extra time. I'm not as good at dirty talk as he is but he managed to shoot cum into his hair anyway. Heehee.

So big thank yous to the men in my life for helping me to take a break from my overactive mind and just lose myself in the pleasure of my own body. Best.Therapy.Ever.

xoxo,
Bella

Mental Health Day

2010-08-30T09:55:00.001-05:00

We all need an occasional one of those right? I took mine today. I really just couldn't bear the thought of going in today so I didn't. When I left the message for my boss my stomach literally turned at the sound of her voice. I have never hated someone so much that I've had to pretend not to.

Of course, I'm not sure that sitting in the waiting area of a Sears Auto Center is what I had in mind for my day. But I have a screw in my tire so whaddaya gonna do? And yeah, I only wish that were a euphemism.

Anyway, hooray for the upcoming holiday weekend. We'll be spending lots of time with family so that will be nice.

I had a nightmare last night. I don't have those often but when I do, they're bad. I woke up from it and noticed I had an email from 13 Messages. It was the cutest sweetest cartoon that I'd link if I weren't typing this from my phone. It made me smile and the bad dream fade. So thanks to him for a very timely message. You never know when a kind word or a kooky sexy message will make someone's day (or night) better.

And now to collect my screwless car and head to somewhere. Have a great day.

Xoxo,
Bella

pardon me while i brain purge for a minute

2010-08-29T23:08:00.000-05:00

Sometimes you just want to lie down and soak up the stillness. Think about things for a bit and then let your mind wander aimlessly. I'm in a contemplative mood tonight and am trying to calm my brain. I'm wondering if I've made right choices and am pondering future ones. Wondering if I've lost sight of important things. Like my dreams for instance. I used to have several but they seem to have gone the way of some obscure independent film that got a bit of screen time in the basement of an alley theater and was then retired to a dusty shelf in the storeroom. I'm also stressing to the point of near panic attack about what I'm going to do if the new job falls through as I'm barely skittering by in my current day to day one. I believe biding my time would be the correct expression to describe what I do behind my desk every day at this point.

Sidenote: it bugs the fuck out of me that I feel the need to block out the tat. Real life is so annoying.

Related to this, I'm bothered by the involuntary compulsion I have to constantly conform to what others think I should be, how they think I should feel or how I should act. It's like I'm caged in by other people's expectations and I'm weary. It drains me and I'm not sure how much more I have left in me to continue to "fake" it. And really, why should I have to? The truth is, I don't have to but its the easy, responsible thing to do. But you know what Bella? Its a fucking cop out. And that's the truth.

Another sidenote: Don't you love it when people get all dramatic and talk to themselves on their blogs?

I miss my friends. Close girlfriends in particular. But even with them I can't talk freely about many things going on in my life. And so I blog to strangers and journal to myself and do a lot of thinking. If you could walk around inside my head, you would be afraid people, very afraid.

I am considering a sick day tomorrow. Don't tell my boss.

Sweet dreams and goodnight.

xoxo,

Bella

this is all so, like totally, high school. totally.

2010-08-28T23:55:00.002-05:00

So, I mentioned a while back that I ditched Mr. Jr. High and Jake. Basically because they are douches. (Irony? Jr. High is trying to chat with me on facebook right this second). Gah. So here's the deal with those two...

Mr. Jr. High:
This one has/had a tendency to be ultra charming (not) and text or pop up on chat with "u wet?", or "yep". I mean, really. Seduction is not his strong point. Which was fine in a way because I knew where I stood and what he wanted from me. That being phone sex. And the occasional teasing invitation to fuck in real life. But it was getting old and why do I need to be treated like that anyway? I mean, phone sex can be hot but at least make me want it, make me want you. And so I told him that my phone sex days were over, see ya.

Good god, this very second the dude is trying to get me to call him. Fuck. I told him he doesn't give up very easy and he said "no ma'am, I want you. I love that voice. One last time?" I told him I wasn't in the mood, he says "whatever", I say "you might want to work on your seduction skills. just sayin'." He said "yeah, u 2". What the fuck?! Seriously that just pissed me off. But reinforces my very correct decision to kick him to the curb and hope he falls into the path of a semi. Or at least one of those bicycles messengers going really fast.

Stupid fucker. So done with that.

Jake:
This one is a bit more complex. Long story short, a few weeks ago we had a playdate and in my opinion, he stood me up and treated me like shit. In his opinion, he never got the time off work and is virtually clueless.

We'd been trying to get together for a while but schedules weren't meshing. He was finally supposed to get Friday off a few weeks ago and said he wanted to spend the whole day with me. On Thursday I text him to confirm the next day's date. He says he thought it was the next Friday. Um, no, but whatever, I'm off the next Friday as well. He says "good". I do not hear from him all that week but I assume we are on for that Friday.

So I do all the prep work a girl does before fucking a guy she really likes for the first time. You know, grooming the privates, shaving, tanning, mani/pedi, picking just the right outfit and lingerie...oh yeah, I went all out for this dude. Waste.Of.Time.

Friday comes and I hear nothing. I vow not to text or call him. I mean, why should I have to? He hasn't bothered to even say hi, how ya doing in a long time so why should I be the one having to make the first contact all the time? Sigh. I'm wondering all day if he's gonna call and I felt like that girl in high school, rejected by her crush. So I'm pissed but still don't contact him. And I don't for a couple of weeks and never hear from him.

But then I cave.

I text him "I don't know whether to be pissed at you or concerned, so I'll be both. Are you ok?". I mean, I honestly wondered if he were dead in a ditch somewhere. He does drive a really hot bike...

He said "Yep, I'm ok, just stuck at work and can't get time off."

I say "you might consider letting a girl know next time".

He says "I'm sorry".

I don't respond.

The End.

This wouldn't be as big of a deal for me if he and I hadn't once been really close friends, then lost touch but later reconnected more intimately (as much as you can on the internet anyway), and gotten to be close again. And then it went cold.

Its a complete mindfuck and I don't need it.

Which makes me question myself and wonder what is it that I'm looking for exactly. Am I looking for "just sex" with random people? Or friends with benefits? I obviously want to be respected as a woman and as a person and not treated as just a piece of ass. Although I kind of wish I could take that approach sometimes. Leave the mind and emotions out of it and fuck blindly for the simple sake of fucking. And its not like I want to be attached to a partner, but I don't want to be treated like trash either. How hard is it to say hello, how are you? I guess I just want to actually LIKE the other party and have them like me back. Which is why the Jake thing bugs me...I like that guy a lot but he seems to be on a different plane now, for whatever reason. I'm not sure what happened. Anyway, I'm writing him off as someone who used to be my friend and almost became a fuck buddy. But didn't.

Goodnight.

xoxo,
Bella

Wearing argyle, and wearing it well

2010-08-26T23:08:00.000-05:00

I don't remember exactly how it came about but somehow I ended up with a racy pic of C-Man in my inbox, wearing some crazy socks. Someone mentioned "argyle" and if I'm not mistaken, we disagreed on what constitutes a true argyle. I told him I'd mail him what I considered a proper pair, if he would send me some pics back of him wearing them.

He obviously did not disappoint!

This one makes me wanna sneak up behind him and cuddle. If he'd scoot over a little bit anyway.

It looks like someone decided to wrap up...

Hmmm, I think I've got some leg restraints that could help you with that....

kudos to women braver (and smoother) than i

2010-08-23T06:34:00.000-05:00

I meant to link this the other day when I first read it but damnit if real life is not interfering with my imaginary one. This made me laugh and cringe and squirm and say "hell no" about fifty times.

Babe Lincoln's Trip to Brazil

Sorry boys, unless you can make me cum just by looking at me, Miss Bella ain't doin' this.

waxing poetic

2010-08-19T22:18:00.000-05:00

Her breast is fit for pearls
But I was not a "Diver" —
Her brow is fit for thrones
But I have not a crest.
Her heart is fit for home —
I — a Sparrow — build there
Sweet of twigs and twine
My perennial nest.

- Emily Dickinson

An Award! Of Sorts

2010-08-19T00:24:00.000-05:00

So, this is way past due..but the lovely sexy yummylicious Babe Lincoln sent this my way and I wanted to "accept" and pass it along. So thanks Babe! I'm glad I could entertain you with tales of Mr. Man and my sexy adventures of late!

The condition is to reveal ten things about myself. Now since I've already done the "100 Things About Me" deal, I'm going to try and not repeat myself but hey, I'm not really THAT interesting people.

1. I went on a blind date with a guy named Kirby once in college. He reminded me of Eric Estrada from CHiPs (yeah yeah, I crushed on Eric) and I was smitten. We went to see a movie and he stroked my arm and leg through the entire show. I was so fucking wet. I never saw him again but I never forgot him. There's a photo of us around here somewhere. God he was hot.

2. I went on another blind date in high school. It was a disaster. He was a redneck guy who smelled like cigarette smoke. I don't remember his name but I do remember that we went to my first and final trip to the racetrack, as in drag racing. I was not a fan. And of course, THAT guy wanted to go out again. No thanks.

3. I used to want a pet orangutan. I guess I was about 13 or so. And I was as serious about it as a 13 could be. I begged my parents for one for months. I was crazy.

4. There are tentative plans to go skydiving in Vegas in October. I have never jumped out of a plane before but its on my bucket list so I'm gonna go for it dammit.

5. My mom busted me and the neighbor boy "playing doctor" in the barn when I was a kid. I was the patient. I was mortified. She was livid. He is not a doctor, but I think is now a dancer in a gay club.

6. I want to fuck in the stairwell in the building where I work. And document it in photographs.

7. Politics bore the hell out of me. My eyes glaze over and I get very very sleepy when that topic comes up. You might as well be reading a Jane Austin novel to me out loud. Same effect.

8. I've seen John Mayer in concert three times so far. I have this weird schoolgirl goofy crush on him and those ridiculous faces he makes when playing the guitar. Or maybe I just have a crush on his guitar and tattoos...

9. I recently deleted Bella's Twitter account for various reasons.

10. You know the girl in the Baby Bell Laughing Cow cheese commercials? I have a girl crush on her.

So there ya go. I'm passing this on to C-Man and M. Because I think its kinda cool how they've shared their side of our escapades (cue Janet Jackson puh-lease), so you get all angles. So to speak. And, I heart them a lot.

Goodnight.
xoxo,
Bella

Bella's To Do list

2010-08-14T09:17:00.000-05:00

Next post will be about this (way overdue). And then the one after that will be about how I was stood up by Jake this weekend and then also kicked Mr. Jr. High to the curb once and for all. I'm purging the douches y'all.

Happy Weekend! I'm off to have lunch with a friend and then do some mad house prep because this family is moving! Well, not so fast, getting the house ready to sell first. Then moving eventually. Bring.It.On!

Oh, and VEGAS baby in October with these guys!!!! We have a sitter and everything. Life rocks hard sometimes.

xoxo,
Bella

mr. man & i

2010-08-05T23:20:00.000-05:00

threesomes time

2010-08-01T15:21:00.001-05:00

Quiet time with the computer. Ahhhhh. So nice. Let's talk about sex shall we? A couple of threesomes in particular. C-Man has recounted his version of what took place during his turn with the ladies. Here's my side...

We've had a great time with them so far, had wicked great sex with all of us in the same room, went out on the town like normal people and just hung out. It rocked. So now what? We have one night left with them before they have to fly back. And so, just like C-Man said, the elevator departure was awkward and weird. But as I've mentioned, I just never could look them in the eye and say "ok, who's fucking who next?". It was just odd. Thank god for the text message.

Back in our room and Mr. Man suggested threesomes...every man's dream right? I was definitely up for it and have always wanted to do that and here was the perfect opportunity. I should mention that it didn't occur to me that this might be against the other couple's "rules" or I never would have suggested it. Sometimes I just don't think. Mr. Man and my rules have been moving targets and we revise them as we go so for me, this was no different. It could have been a major faux pas on my part but it all worked out so no harm no foul. Or is it no blood no foul? Whatever. I texted C-Man with the MFF suggestion and the next thing I know, Mr. Man is settling in for a nap with strict orders for me and M to wake him up after we are done taking care of C-Man. I head up to their room and M and I get busy. And yeah, it was all a blur. A sweet sexy frantic smokin' hot blur.

For the record, this is the session where I go down on a woman for the first time in my life, but hopefully not the last. M's pussy is perfect. And rumor has it that I made her cum, although I couldn't tell. So go me! (I'm saving most of the girl on girl stuff for another post because that's an entire topic of its own for me.)

The logistics of who touches who and when were somewhat easier this go-round because there was one less party in the room. C-Man is much better at recounting the details than I am so be sure and read his post. What I remember most (besides my face all up in M's lady parts) was how much I thoroughly enjoyed being fucked from behind while on my knees on the bed. C-Man is a strong guy and I love being manhandled by him. He knows what he wants and where he wants it. Ohhh, and fuck, when he forced my mouth onto his cock..hard..fuckity fuck fuck. I REALLY love when he gets all Dom on me. And I really want to do more of that kind of thing with him in the future. He has the desire, the personality for it and I'm a more than willing Sub so we'll see...am I digressing? Yes I am...ok.

C-Man was so cute in his post talking about not knowing for sure when he'd see me again and so he wanted me and M to switch places so he could finish off with me. So to speak. Knowing that this man is attracted to me, wants me, wants me to pleasure him and vice versa...that is a very powerful aphrodisiac for me. (You didn't think I knew how to spell that word didya?) There's a sense of sexy power in that. I made him cum. A lot. **evil grin**

Bottom line, it was fabulous. And I felt like such a nasty slut finishing with C-Man only to get half dressed and take off down the hall with M to Mr. Man's room for his turn. I even made the comment to M as we fumbled down the hall in our post sex haze that "I feel like such a hooker". We were giggling at the hot absurdity of it all. I mean, I do have this call girl fantasy and this was as close as I've gotten to fulfilling that. Pleasuring one man and then immediately going to the next man's hotel room for more of the same with a beautiful girl by my side? Does it get any better? Wow.

And so, we enter Mr. Man's room....

And dude is asleep for real! Ha! He was taking this fantasy of being woken up by two naked girls in his bed quite seriously. So we hopped in bed with Mr. Man and made his threesome dreams come true. M was spectacular. That girl was rockin' the corset and her hooker shoes and her tits, holy fuck, her tits are amazing. I love them. Ok, focus Bella...

Since I get to be with Mr. Man whenever I want, I really wanted him and M to have the most time together. I can't even describe how hot it was to watch M on her back being pounded by Mr. Man hard and fast while she hangs on for dear life to her spike heels over her head. Yowsers. I will never get that image out of my head, nor do I want to. But no worries, there was plenty of action for me. I was certainly not ignored by either of them and I gave M's luscious breasts a LOT of attention from my tongue, lips and hands.

After an hour or so (or who knows how long, I was not exactly focused on the clock), our sexy companion leaves us to go back up to C-Man and Mr. Man and I fall into a dreamy state of WTF just happened here? And when can we do it again please?

The next morning we packed up, checked out of the hotel and met our friends for a lovely breakfast coupled with equally lovely conversation and laughter. I can't say enough how much I like this couple. Which made the ride to the airport kind of a downer for me. Remember when you were a kid and you looked forward to Christmas and Santa Claus all year long and December was the most maddening month and there was all this build up of excitement and then Christmas morning finally came and you went crazy with delight and then starting around 4:00 pm on Christmas Day the mental descent and realization that it was all over hit you and you get majorly bummed? Oh, er, um, was that just me? Anyway, it was kind of like that. I was really sad to see them go. Wondering if we'd see them again and when and hoping that everyone was leaving feeling good about everything that had happened between us all. We hugged goodbye and the casual observer would never have guessed that we were anything more than friends saying goodbye at the airport.

I'm happy to report that a trip to Vegas for the four of us is in the works before this year is out. Certain real life things have to fall into place for this to happen but we are planning on making it work! Vegas baby! Bring it.

xoxo,
Bella

hi sexies, sexys, sexees...

2010-07-31T08:30:00.000-05:00

How in the hell do you spell that anyway? Or maybe it's not even an official word and it doesn't matter. Anyway, the point is, hi y'all! Life has been crazy madness and uber boring all at the same time. I haven't emailed my mother in weeks or my best friend either...they are about to disown me I do think. Eek.

Randomness....Anywho, on this weekend's list is to write my next to last post about our hizzot weekend. Yum. I have a lil something from the lovely Babe Lincoln to write about as well. There are new pics around here somewhere unless my laptop ate them. My vibrator is broken...or else all the double A batteries that we own are dead...not Mr. Buzzy, but my second favorite one that I was going to use last night...boo. Mr. Buzzy needs replacing...he sounds like a mac truck and it kinda breaks the mood, and the fucking sound barrier. Awwww, I just got a text from Mr. Man who is at the gym...he said "I need to fuck you again soon...the sex gets better every time". That made me grin. After 15 years together, I think that's very cool.

Ok, enough disjointedness. I just woke up with a massive crick in my neck and a slight hangover. Thought I'd say hi. Have a kick ass weekend!

xoxo,
Bella