Tuesday, September 16, 2014

dreams and regrets

Just woke up from a dream about the ex. That's twice this week. I''m guessing its because I'm going to one of "our" places on Friday night for a party and that's fucking with my brain.

Random side note: I hate the term "the ex" for him because it sounds so crass and empty.

Sometimes late at night my brain refuses to shut off and let me sleep and I just lie here and think. Tonight its him and that whole situation. Its been months now and I won't lie and say that the passing of time hasn't made things easier, because thankfully it has. But I still have regrets, for sure.

I regret how it all ended and all the bitterness and anger that mostly I caused. I made many mistakes and I can own them. I regret keeping secrets and the hurtful emails that blew it all up. I am truly sorry for all of that and if I could do it over I certainly would, and handle it entirely differently. But going back is impossible so you make peace with the present the best you can.

I regret that I ruined a great thing for Mr. Man. He connected so well with her and was so happy in that relationship. I do hope they still talk and keep in touch, I wish they would actually. She was good for him. We talk about it sometimes but always in brief, painful mentions.

I miss my friend and I regret that it ended the way it did and now there's just.....nothing. And that can be ok because I realize that we all move on and sometimes wonderful things end for necessary reasons.

Doesn't mean I don't regret the reasons.

Now to go back to sleep and dream about unicorns or something.


Saturday, September 13, 2014

hot nights and rum cake

He asked me to dress up, so I left my house in black lace hugging every curve and stockings pulled over silky smooth legs.

I got to his place at 10:30pm and he met me at my car and pulled me into a tight hug followed by frenzied deep kisses. His hands ran under my soft cotton dress to find the lace hidden underneath. Hands flew over bodies and clothes were removed and thrown onto the concrete patio. He drew me into the closest doorway which happened to be the guesthouse bedroom. He sat in a chair by the window and I knelt between his legs, he grabbed a handful of my hair and I gave him one of the many things he'd been waiting for since I told him I was coming over that night.

It had been a few weeks and we couldn't get to the fucking part fast enough. We moved to the bed and it was hot in every meaning of the word. Sexy hot and no air conditioning in the South hot. Sweaty, steamy, slick, primal-like fucking. I'd missed him and he me.

Our initial urges sated, we followed the trail of clothes back outside and got caught up on each others regular life happenings. The rest of the night followed a similar pattern of sexual activity, cuddling, conversation, and repeating. We also finally got around to that cliche over-the-bathroom-counter-hang-onto-the-faucet-and-look-into-the-mirror-fuck. And then there was rum cake. 

A night with Cash is like a mini-vacation for my brain and body. We have great fun together and I like him a lot on all the levels. Which means it will probably end soon and I should brace myself. Haha, I'm kidding. Sort of. #cynicalbella #rumcakeisyummy


Saturday, August 23, 2014

Thursday, August 21, 2014

navigating connections

That first sentence especially speaks to me.

I've discovered over the past couple of years that I easily connect on an emotional level with different types of people. This is both a blessing and a curse I think. I have this wordy emo post in my mind about how past relationships have made me more cynical and have brought me to where I am today in the open marriage thing. Meaning, that I'm now trying to bring it back to being less about deep feelings and more about friendship and fun and no drama.

But then the Universe laughs and slaps you in the face and you again meet someone who deeply resonates with you. Someone you love spending time with and think about more than is probably good for you. It becomes as much about growing closer to that person and enjoying spending time just talking and hanging out as it does about the sex.
I'm seeing someone now like this and I do fear falling into that trap of feeling too much again and getting hurt. However, the situation is way different and the lessons learned in the past will serve me well, and I'm thankful for that. I do think that this could be great. A lifelong friendship that won't get kicked to the curb because of guilt or fear. He reminds me that I AM a good person. He brings out this nurturing, caring side of me that I really like, in tandem with the crazy, sexual, kinky side that I love about myself. I want to bake him casseroles (or at least throw a frozen pizza in the oven), while fucking his brains out.

I think the trick is to keep all things transparent and above board with frequent monitoring of the situation. Or is there a "trick"? Maybe its just life and we shouldn't over-think it so much. Or post about it on anonymous blogs. Heh.


Monday, August 18, 2014

Sunday, August 17, 2014

quick shots

  • I've been out of the country for a week. French men are so hot. 
  • Someone I know requested to follow Bella on Twitter and then seemingly cancelled it. I guess I should be flattered that I'm being stalked. Or creeped out. 50/50.
  • I need to go shopping to replace shit in my luggage that was lost. Until then I will go makeup free and smell like men's deodorant because I'm having to steal Mr. Man's.
  • I need a million naps. 
  • I also need Mexican food. 
Happy Sunday!

Thursday, August 7, 2014

the things I do for a couple of tomatoes

Spent the night with Cash. No sleeping occurred until I got home this morning. Luckily, I have the day off to recover. Staying up all night ain't as easy as it used to be.

He gave me some tomatoes from his garden this morning, thus prompting the following conversation with my PolitelyPerving bestie...Me: "He gave me tomatoes from his garden...Bella, hoeing herself for veggies"....PP: "Is that all it takes? I need to start taking tomatoes to the clubs. Just kidding. I don't go to clubs."...

Two things I love. A good pun ("hoeing", anyone?) and sexy friends to share them with. And tomatoes...my favorite vegetable.