Tuesday, February 5, 2019

Morning company

I look down at him, running my hands the length of his body, stopping briefly at his midsection to dance my fingers in lazy circles across his belly.

"You're the most beautiful man," I say. And he is.

He's the color of the walnut armoire I admired in that one hotel room in New Orleans. I'm the shade of the lone ivory teacup we found on its top shelf.

Our fucking is...powerful...I've forgotten how virile he is. His strength makes me whimper.

We collapse onto rumpled gray sheets and tell each other good morning.

Saturday, December 29, 2018

About this photo

I've never been a good sleeper, although I could kick your ass at midday napping. As I get older my sleeping patterns and restfulness during the night are getting worse--I am mirroring my father. I was staring into the darkness last night thinking a myriad of thinky thoughts and finally resigned myself to getting up and wandering, eventually settling into the guest room to take this photo.

I'm trying to see the body that I currently have in new and honest ways. I follow a lot of body positive folks on social media and have found a lot of interesting and new perspectives on fatness, diet culture, and wellness. And the more bodies you see in the media that look different and diverse, the more accepting you can be of your own. At least that has been my experience. This book in particular has radically changed how I view myself and the world when it comes to physicality and body image. This is not to say that I don't have many days where I curse my jiggling flesh and want to cry when I catch my reflection or struggle to button my pants. But I have gotten so much better at pausing when I begin to hate on myself and being kind and remembering that those negative feelings are not warranted, they have been ingrained and taught to all of us by a culture that exudes consumerism and preys on our insecurities for monetary gain. And really, fuck all of the media, companies, and products that try to make us feel shitty and unworthy. Why do we let them do that? It's nothing less than brainwashing, really.

A post I ran across a couple of months ago really stuck with me....something to the effect of when we talk down to ourselves, when we criticize and beat ourselves up for what we have been taught are physical imperfections, who does that benefit? Certainly not the object of that criticism. We are worthy at every size. Beautiful at every size. And I have to say, as I've gained weight over the years, it has not been a barrier to finding sexual partners, I have no less sexual prowess in bed or out of it, and the friends I've slept with regularly for years are still into me. The only person giving me a hard time about extra jiggle...is me.

All of this has crossed over into the way I view photos of myself. This may be the hardest thing for me. Photos are forever. Photos are how you present yourself to the world online. Photos can be referenced. Photos can be scary. Even the one above, it's filtered and it shows a part of my body that I'm ok with, at a good angle and with good lighting. But, I still see the "flaws", or what I've been taught are flaws, the rolls of flesh that begin on my back, curve around to my stomach and torso, and then meet in an embrace to make up the mountains and valleys of my front. Mountains and valleys that I'm trying to learn to love and accept.

Health always comes up in these discussions. But just as the amount of space we physically take up in the world doesn't make us any more or less worthy of acceptance, respect, and love -- the state of our health follows the same construct. For me, a renewed focus on health and wellness takes the number on the scale and my pants size out of the equation. At my last doctor's appointment, my cholesterol and blood pressure were way up. That's a number I'm trying to get down by exercise and smarter eating. Should the scale go up or down in that endeavor, so be it. But that is not the sole focus of my journey anymore.

I see photos of fat* women rocking their big, beautiful bodies with confidence and I want that. I want to be able to post a photo of my belly, arms, thighs -- areas I am not as ok with but that are no less beautiful because they are me, soft, flowing, and comfortable. I want to get there. And I think I will. Eventually.

xoxo,
Bella

*So many more articles on this, I just ran across this one quickly. 
Reclaiming the word "fat" as a positive term.

Wednesday, December 12, 2018

We shone bright for a moment

I missed him a lot today.

Sometimes I go to his Facebook to look at his pictures, to see remnants of his life left online. I don't want to forget. To read his favorite quotes, written in his own handwriting, like the Bukowski one here, that means something altogether different now that he's gone. I scroll through my phone to see pictures he sent to me, read his messages, watch videos to hear his voice.

I'm writing about you, but I don't want to share it yet. I write it for me, because I don't want to forget.

I'll bet Death did tremble when you showed up.

"We are here to laugh at the odds and live our lives so well that Death will tremble to take us."     - Charles Bukowski

 

Saturday, November 17, 2018

Preds win. Wanna puck?

WTF happened?

Life man, that's what.

My personal computer died and I'm gifting myself a new one for Christmas. Posting via mobile is just the pits, so there's that.

I switched jobs, an entire career actually; it's time consuming and fucking great.

I see LL the most these days I guess (just yesterday actually...fans self...whoa), and a few others for the occasional tryst. There have definitely been some hills and valleys over the past several months in terms of my sex life and my priorities. I actually hadn't met anyone new in ages until a few weeks ago, but I'm not writing about that just yet.

Mr. Man and I are good lately and planning another trip to see Frances and Bruno in January.  Rawr.

Overall, life is great, and I'm still me. Just a bit older and a bit more awesome.

Xoxo,
Bella



Saturday, January 6, 2018

Sunday, December 31, 2017

Peeks around corner

Happy 2018 you sexy bitches!

Yeah yeah, Bella sucks at blogging. I'm doing ok. Lots of changes have happened in my life and my intention is to move off of Blogger and onto something a bit friendlier and get my own domain. But I am technically inept. And anonymity is important. So it's all intimidating/overwhelming and easier to be lame and not do anything. But I've had many requests to start writing again and I truly want to, just for myself even.

So that's where we are folks. Love you all and please, stay kinky!

xoxo,
Bella