Humor is usually my defense mechanism but I'm fresh out of sarcastic self-depreciating banter. Maybe.
A family member made a comment about me this weekend that shattered my already fragile confidence about my physical self. All these photos you see here and the sexy confident talk? The chatter is fake confidence that I share on the better days and the photos are products of good lighting, some mad cropping skilz, and strategically placed towels and clothing. So basically, its fake, all of it.
I'm not proud of the fact that one sentence from someone with about as much tact as Ann Coulter ruined my entire weekend and caused me to cry for hours. But it did. And I'm not even PMSing y'all. I don't ever forget things that hurt me so this is always and forever going to be in the back of my mind. What makes it worse is that its true and was spoken with brutal honesty by someone who has no reason not to be completely candid. She simply called it like she saw it. It stung. Bad.
I'm depressed about it and that makes me angry. And even with reassurances that "she didn't mean anything by it", that "you're sexy and beautiful" and "people are stupid"...I'm not buying it. I know my flaws but it hurts when other people point them out so glaringly.
I'm not sure what its going to take for me to feel sexy and attractive again. Probably time and about 30 less pounds. But until then I'm going to be overly dramatic and shower in the dark and avoid mirrors.