I've been doing a lot of self analyzing lately. I do this periodically and while I don't necessarily like it, it seems to just...overtake my brain and I have all these questions about myself whirling around in my noggin. New emotions and realizations that I'm trying to come to terms with. I actually hesitated to write this post because it all seems a bit corny and melodramatic during the day. But at late hours of the night my head feels more free to write about such navel gazing issues.
I struggle with many things and must learn to focus more on my strengths rather than my weaknesses. Being a natural cynic, that's hard for me to do.
Here's a stream of consciousness taste of Bella Crazybrain....self confidence would be nice, i've gained and then lost a lot of that over the past few years, why do i care what people think so much, to the point of compromising myself even, i swear to god i was brainwashed as a child and can't shake it, why am i even writing this stupid post, but its not stupid if that's how you feel, ok good point but why air all your shit to the entire internet, is this some sort of therapy for you, you can't even stream of consciousness write without self filtering, on your own fucking anonymous blog, you have serious issues, perhaps therapy is in order, why are you so indecisive, you like this one minute, oh wait no you don't, changed your mind, why do you do that, you should just stop the madness immediately and retreat back into your safe good girl bubble where you don't do anything crazy or even think anything crazy, boring but your shot at getting into heaven would probably increase tenfold, damn religion, you have so many blessings so stop bitching all the time, where is your motivation these days, you are just as good as they are, stop procrastinating, just fucking do it and stop thinking so much, you have to stop letting others define you, be you and fuck the rest, stop being such a pussy, you used to be ambitious, driven, now you're wishy washy, weak, a complete trainwreck of duality, hey i like that one, a complete trainwreck of duality, just had to write it again, actually its more than duality its more like a multifaceted trainwreck but that doesn't have the same ring to it, what the hell, sidetracked by terminology, and on and on i could go but i will spare you.
And that's just the surface stuff, the stuff I let myself say. Be afraid, be very afraid.
Fuck it, I'm going back to sleep.