...but am too lazy to get up and get a glass of the raspberry dessert wine we have in the kitchen.
Life has been good lately, if a bit mentally conflicting. I am feeling more and more of the division between the two lives I'm leading. I'd like them to merge but I don't see how that is possible given my job and my family and certain friends. Its an odd thing, this double life. I guess we all live this way to a certain extent, compartmentalizing certain aspects for certain groups of people. One day I feel like the two sides have to collide in some dramatic way, probably by accident and it will end badly. Either that, or I will have to give up one of them in order to give my all to the one that is left standing. Perhaps I'll call it "Survival of the Fittest of Bella's Split Personalities" or some such. Winner takes all.
Thinking about this sometimes makes me melancholy and causes me to wish for total anonymity, or maybe a chance to start over and try again. And yet, I realize that's not reality for me and I have to work within the boundaries I'm given. On the other hand, if I don't think too deeply about it I can see it as some sort of secret adventure that I'm on. A risky exciting incognito life I'm living. You know, upstanding Christian 30-something working mother by day, sexy swinger prancing about town in stripper heels by night. That kind of thing. The word hypocrite comes to mind.
But for now, I plod on, attempting a delicate balance between being the everyday Me and being Bella. For those few that know both as one multidimensional person, I appreciate you more than you can know.