Friday, July 1, 2011

I feel like drinking

...but am too lazy to get up and get a glass of the raspberry dessert wine we have in the kitchen.

Life has been good lately, if a bit mentally conflicting. I am feeling more and more of the division between the two lives I'm leading. I'd like them to merge but I don't see how that is possible given my job and my family and certain friends. Its an odd thing, this double life. I guess we all live this way to a certain extent, compartmentalizing certain aspects for certain groups of people. One day I feel like the two sides have to collide in some dramatic way, probably by accident and it will end badly. Either that, or I will have to give up one of them in order to give my all to the one that is left standing. Perhaps I'll call it "Survival of the Fittest of Bella's Split Personalities" or some such. Winner takes all.   

Thinking about this sometimes makes me melancholy and causes me to wish for total anonymity, or maybe a chance to start over and try again. And yet, I realize that's not reality for me and I have to work within the boundaries I'm given. On the other hand, if I don't think too deeply about it I can see it as some sort of secret adventure that I'm on. A risky exciting incognito life I'm living. You know, upstanding Christian 30-something working mother by day, sexy swinger prancing about town in stripper heels by night. That kind of thing. The word hypocrite comes to mind.

But for now, I plod on, attempting a delicate balance between being the everyday Me and being Bella. For those few that know both as one multidimensional person, I appreciate you more than you can know.




  1. I feel your delima, not exactly of course, because we are different people. I myself struggle with the"what ifs" that could be found out ... somehow and for some reason I trudge on with what feels right to me. As do you and it feels nice to know in this big world there are people like you that don't make me feel so alone in this endeavor of just being" yourself."
    Big hugs...Thanks for sharing.

  2. Most people who know my blog don't know the "real me" and of those who know the "real me" only a select few know of the blog. Whether or not they read it I don't know, but I tell them the stories that are on the blog, so they'd be reading the same thing twice. I think it would be nice to be myself to everyone, because the "real" "real me" is a combination of what's in my blog and what's in my life. I wish I could be forthright with others and myself about all my sexual thoughts and experiences, but I don't want to have to explain things. I just want to be understood. But I do enjoy knowing that I can leave my friends and go meet a man and have him do things to me I'd never tell them about, having my own little secret.

  3. Maybe some day society will come to accept the alternate sex lifestyle. Until then if we are to enjoy sex outside a relationship we will have to accept a compartmental life

  4. I fully understand and for the most part have the same confliction.