Wednesday, September 12, 2012

hold me but don't confine me

I probably should not have cancelled my shrink appointment for tomorrow. But sometimes you just don't feel like or don't think you can handle spilling your guts when you know (or suspect) what you're going to hear in response. My issues are the same as they've been for months and I know what her advice is to me. Journal, communicate in a more productive manner, and stop beating yourself up all the time. Solid feedback, no doubt, but I can't handle it tomorrow. I just can't.

Things are strained in a few aspects of my life right now and I feel like I'm in some sort of hole that I'm trying to claw my way out of. I was thinking tonight that what I'd really like is a solid and steady pair of arms around me to just sink into. I don't want to talk about it, I just want to sit or lie down and be cuddled and held tightly. Its been ages since that's happened. How sad is that?

My libido is nil these days and I feel horribly for Mr. Man, but in all fairness, its no party for me either. I am seriously considering seeing my doctor about it. I am pretty sure its a mental thing, although I suppose it could be medication related as well. My interest level is non-existent. It's not a personal thing against Mr. Man at all, but I know it has to feel that way to him. There are my usual body image and depression issues, but I don't know if those are the root cause or if they just exacerbate other problems. In my own analysis I wonder if its a lack of non-sexual intimacy that I crave and need to jump start the sexual portion. See above paragraph. Its frustrating for all parties, whatever the reason. And I love the irony of writing on my sex blog about my lack of desire for sex. Oh Universe, you are a conniving and subtle bitch.

In other news, I reached a nice sense of closure with C-man today. He has finally accepted that he and I are not meant to have the sort of relationship that he'd like and has moved on. And I mean REALLY moved on, with a new play partner even. Thank the Universe. He seems truly happy with how that is going and we were able to have a nice, long and openly honest conversation about it today. I'd often thought about how I'd feel if and when he began playing with someone else. I'm happy to report that my initial reaction remains the same, even after having time to digest this new information. Relieved, happy for him, and free from guilt. I wondered if I'd be jealous and thankfully, I am not. I never liked nor wanted to be his "one and only" play partner, it was too much pressure, too much anxiety for my liking. I always worried about hurting his feelings if I hung out with or flirted with someone else, much less posted pictures of me taken by or with someone else, and it was more annoying and irritating than a serious fear. Now I feel that I can actually talk to him more freely and without any expectations. Or not, if we so choose. It's liberating in a way that is hard to explain. Just take my word for it, this news is a good thing for both he and I.

That's it for tonight folks.

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