Wednesday, March 19, 2014

i'm a raging lunatic...a fat one

Disclaimer: I am PMSing so hard right now that I can't even stand myself. Keep that in mind as you wade through this whiny, shit filled, petty post. But it is how I feel at this moment and this is my blog. So there.

I realize full well that confidence is sexy and makes up for a multitude of physical flaws. I fake confidence pretty well most of the time but sometimes, well, I got nuthin'. Like now. I am severely hating on the body and have been for a long time..actually, forever. I've never been happy with it, even when I was skinny, so I think its just a thing for me. Body loathing. And it's only getting worse now that I'm fat and as I add age to the equation.

I honestly have no idea why Aaron or Dave or any of the men I've been with are fucking my fatty ass self. I guess its a good thing my personality is fucking awesome because all I see when I look in the mirror is grossness. I've been with a couple of men who could have their choice of women (and do). It intimidates me. And not just men. For instance, there's a couple who have been gently trying to persuade me to join them in the bedroom for a while now and the woman intimidates the ever loving shit out of me. Her body is amazing and there is NO way I'm getting naked next to her. Ridiculous? I don't think so. Logical in my twisted head because why would I make myself feel even worse by doing that?

And I can't help but think about how men have to be comparing my flabby self to other women they've fucked or are fucking. How can they possibly not be? Skinnier, younger, prettier, fitter women. And then I get mad at myself for thinking these things and go eat an entire pint of ice cream and three cupcakes because we all know that's helpful.

Ugh. Girls are stupid. And I have a headache. That is all.

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