Sunday, September 30, 2012

in which I get all Psychology Today on your asses

We all know how important sex is to a relationship. I mean, we are a community of sex bloggers after all. I suppose its my analytical nature, but sometimes I think about the psychology of sex, the thought processes behind it, why we do what we do, think what we think, want what we want, why did this situation end negatively and this one positively, etc, etc, good gawd I make myself sick.

A question for the men. Do you equate the amount of non-sexual intimacy given to your partner equal to the amount of actual sex you feel you should be having? By "non-sexual intimacy" I mean that mushy-gushy stuff your wife/partner loves, i.e., hand-holding, hugs, saying "i love you", giving an unsolicited rub of the shoulders, cuddling on the couch, just being close.

If it is generally true that the amount of sex decreases with marriage*, does it not also follow that the amount of non-sexual intimacy also decreases? And that raises yet another question...does the amount of non-sexual intimacy decline in a long term relationship and if so, which came first, the decline in said non-sexual intimacy or the decline in the actual sex? Is there an expectation, by the man, that he should be receiving more sex the more non-sexual intimacy that he gives his partner? Does he feel "owed" something for showing his affection for his partner in non-sexual ways? Does he have an agenda of sorts, even if that is subconsciously? Does he even think about this shit or is it just me? Don't answer that.

*I'm not saying it does, but I do agree that sex does change with marriage...the sexual shift as discussed in this article.

For me personally, the more non-sexual intimacy I receive (AND give), the more sex I want, and the more favorably I view it. Another way to put this is, the closer I feel to Mr. Man, the more I want to fuck him. On the other hand, I don't feel that I owe him sex that night just because he showed me affection during the day. Its not a bank account situation where he deposits a few minutes of hand-holding with one fuck to be cashed out later. (And I'm not saying he does this, by the way.) Its more of a cumulative thing, the closer I feel to Mr. Man overall, the more sex I want to have, overall. "Overall" being the key word there, if you didn't notice.

Side note that just occurred to me...For either gender, does sex = intimacy? I think it does sometimes but not EVERY time. And maybe it does more often for the male? Slam bam thank you ma'am sex does not intimacy make, in my opinion, although there is definitely a time and place for that. Which goes along with the fact that there are different types of sex, the quickie, the romantic, etc. Sex can serve as intimacy but doesn't have to. End side note before my brain explodes.

I know this isn't a revolutionary topic and each person's perspective depends on their individual experiences, but you know what would be really cool? If a male would candidly write about this from his point of view. And a gazillion thoughtful males probably have, but I've been too busy analyzing something ad nauseam to notice.

And now, my overtaxed brain must rest. In a non-sexually intimate way. Because I just wanted to use that phrase one last time.

Har har. Peace out.
xoxo,
Bella

8 comments:

  1. What a thought provoking post Bella! Your cerebral self's on over-dive today ;)

    I may be able to shed some light on this perspective...but my circumstances are - in my mind anyway - unusual! Time is short so this will be unstructured - sorry..(may have to revisit for a fuller post at some time)...

    My OH simply loves TLC - who doesn't? Our relationship revolves around family. Every day I'll hear the "love" word mentioned - often repeatedly, and gentle kisses received, or hugs, or affirmations of my parenting skills made etc. There's absolutely no sexual intimacy however. Our lives are inter-twinned, yet poles apart. I have zero expectation of receiving any sexual response for a massage or kindness. The reasons behind this lack of intimacy are deep rooted, and I'll not go into them here. Suffice to say that on the rare occasion (perhaps 3 or 4 times a year) when we do have "sex" - it's just that..there's (sadly) not "intimacy" involved - and from my perspective (this is one sided) it's because she's not involved in actively making it intimate. A sad situation, and one that's far more complex than I'm able or willing to share on.

    I've no idea if this has been of any use, but it probably answers the question, does sex = intimacy. I wish it did, but sadly it's not the case.

    Life goes on!

    Smiles,
    Sir

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    1. That makes me sad for you and your situation does sound unusual. But really, what's considered "normal" in relationships? Reading about other blogger's experiences has shown me that they are more diverse and complicated that I ever imagined. My best to you.
      xoxo, Bella

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  2. Relationships are so complicated and they are what we make them. Communication is our most useful tool. If we need more of this or that we need to find a way to voice it. That sounds so simple but sometimes we feel like wimps or otherwise embarrassed having to voice our needs. I think it's more about ourselves than it is about our partners, but as is often the case in life it always comes down to how much do you really want this and what are you willing to sacrifice to get it. Often times we find when push comes to shove we aren't willing to sacrifice the risk of embarrassment or the extra work to get what we want. Sex in marriage changes over time if we let it. Not that I'm trying to be a hard ass mind you. I know only too well how complicated this all is and how complicated our own emotions are but I've learned in life it always, always, always comes back to me and if I want something to change I must change.

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    1. Well said! And I agree. It is easier said than done. Patience, insight, persistence, and open mindedness helps I think. Thanks for stopping by and leaving a comment!
      xoxo,
      Bella

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  3. The old me would have said that sex is more important than non-sexual intimacy. The new me, though, values the hand-holding and hugs more than anything else. Sex is nice, but it's not everything. The little things mean so much. The way she looks at me. That her hand never leaves mine. That we're so silly with each other. Nicknames. Yeah... the little things.

    On a side note, if the old me and the new me were in the same room together... oh boy. I'm not sure what would happen, but I don't think it would be good. I've seen enough time travel movies to know it doesn't end well. That's not going to happen, right? Right? Oh boy.

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    1. I think the new you would give the old you a serious beat down. :) And if you have a significant other, they are quite fortunate to be with the new you, the one who appreciates the "little things". Go you!
      xoxo, Bella

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  4. At the moment, my significant other would be my right hand...

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    1. Well, boo to that. Lucky right hand though...

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