Tuesday, April 20, 2010

Searching but not finding

Its a solitary kind of day. Dreary outside. Dreary inside. I can feel this blanket of ickiness about to cover me up again. Hmm, that might be a good band name..."Blanket of Ickiness".

No news on the job front. I don't know what to do. Saying that I'm at a loss is so cliche & yet, that's exactly what I am. Sometimes cliches serve their purpose quite well. Yesterday I sat at my desk looking busy to whoever passed by my door but in reality, I did nothing productive all day. Complete waste of mine & the company's time. I'm way beyond burn out. And yet I'm stuck here for the childcare & the insurance. If it wasn't so pathetic it'd be funny. Almost.

My head is full of "ifs".

If I hadn't grew up in near poverty, I wouldn't have scrambled to get the degree that would be most likely to secure me with a good paying job. I might have listened to my heart more than my head.

If I didn't have a child to care for I would be more free to escape this place & its cursed insurance benefits & retirement plans. And yet, I was working here way before kiddo came along so that logic doesn't fly.

If I wasn't so negative minded I would better appreciate & focus on the great things in my life rather than the bad. I think this & then counter it in my head with "yeah but you spend over 8 hours a day at a place you hate, no wonder the good is overshadowed". Or "you're so pathetic, you are so fortunate & lucky in so many ways, how dare you be depressed because you don't like your good paying, stable job, you fucking ungrateful bitch". And so I feel worse for feeling sorry for myself when logically, I shouldn't. Its a mental wrangling of how I really feel vs how I think I should feel; a constant battle in my brain. Right now I'm losing it. So to speak.

If I knew what I wanted to be when I grow up, I'd like to think that I could come up with some kind of plan, a strategy, anything to pull me up & out of this place I find myself loathing even before I step in the door.

But, rather than sooth me, (& really, why should they?), all of those ifs continue to swirl around in my head. Confusing me & causing me to falter somewhere between desperation & apathy every day.

I used to have dreams of traveling the world, of being a writer, joining the PeaceCorps, many dreams. I've lost all of that. Now I just want out of where I am. This saddens me more than anything.

I just want to be happy. I just want to be content. I just want to find some sort of peace with myself. Do I even have that capability? Not to just find short spurts of sporadic joy, but to be content with my lot in life or at least with the steps I'm trying to take to improve it? Why does that elude me so?



  1. I'm with you on the "job I hate for the insurance" thing. Then I feel bad for complaining/whining about that when I have friends who are unemployed. At least we have jobs, but that doesn't mean we should just be happy. Ugh. Anyway, I feel you.

  2. Ever hear that song "happy" by Leona Lewis? I love that song and if you havent heard it I'm sure you can find it on youtube.com. Anyway, your words reminded me of that song. I hope that tomorrow is a better day and you find what makes you happy :)


  3. I relate to some of this. The thing is, what makes us happy is not always what we think it is. Have you ever heard of Daniel Gilbert? If you're up for it, he wrote an interesting book called Stumbling on Happiness that I thought was a great read.

    Being happy can be a finicky balance. Sometimes just one thing is off and you try to compensate with the other things in your life, but you stretch them too far in the process. All in all, one issue can throw a wrench in the whole thing, masking the original issue.

    Here's to hoping you feel better soon.

  4. I have no great words of wisdom, but I do feel for you. Nothing is harder than going to work where you are unhappy and dread the thought. I am fortunate, I make very little (VERY) money, but, I love my work and look forward to it almost every single day. I took a cut in pay to do what I am doing.. but, I sleep well at night and though I am not well off, I am "well"..
    I wish you the same peace and happiness!


  5. Bella, you're preachin' to the choir here. I read every word and nodded in agreement.

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