Sunday, August 29, 2010

pardon me while i brain purge for a minute

Sometimes you just want to lie down and soak up the stillness. Think about things for a bit and then let your mind wander aimlessly. I'm in a contemplative mood tonight and am trying to calm my brain. I'm wondering if I've made right choices and am pondering future ones. Wondering if I've lost sight of important things. Like my dreams for instance. I used to have several but they seem to have gone the way of some obscure independent film that got a bit of screen time in the basement of an alley theater and was then retired to a dusty shelf in the storeroom. I'm also stressing to the point of near panic attack about what I'm going to do if the new job falls through as I'm barely skittering by in my current day to day one. I believe biding my time would be the correct expression to describe what I do behind my desk every day at this point.

Sidenote: it bugs the fuck out of me that I feel the need to block out the tat. Real life is so annoying.

Related to this, I'm bothered by the involuntary compulsion I have to constantly conform to what others think I should be, how they think I should feel or how I should act. It's like I'm caged in by other people's expectations and I'm weary. It drains me and I'm not sure how much more I have left in me to continue to "fake" it. And really, why should I have to? The truth is, I don't have to but its the easy, responsible thing to do. But you know what Bella? Its a fucking cop out. And that's the truth.

Another sidenote: Don't you love it when people get all dramatic and talk to themselves on their blogs?

I miss my friends. Close girlfriends in particular. But even with them I can't talk freely about many things going on in my life. And so I blog to strangers and journal to myself and do a lot of thinking. If you could walk around inside my head, you would be afraid people, very afraid. 

I am considering a sick day tomorrow. Don't tell my boss.

Sweet dreams and goodnight.



  1. No...what's in your head isn't any worse than what is in anyone else's head, darlin'. No worries. I hope you do take the day off and do something good for yourself!

  2. At least you do have your blog... Most of my friends (the close ones at least) know of my blog, my lifestyle, etc. I can't imagine *not* being able to tell them. It would eat me again, at least you have your blog :)

    I love that pic, btw.


  3. I am with Vixen. A few of my friends know - the ones who matter. Some read, some don't but I could not cope if I couldn't talk to them about it.

    xx JaT

  4. It sucks leading this "double life" as I call it. I hate not being able to talk with friends about the BIG things going on in my life... it's something that has been bothering me this week as well. But I agree, it's just easier to be "normal" in social circles and not rock the boat.

  5. I think you are smart to block out your tat! It is surprising how many people that *show* their backgrounds without thinking. I hear you with blogging to strangers! I have no gf's I could ever talk to about stuff, and my bf does not want to hear it endlessly either. So - I sit in silence - and a lot of times, it sucks. :(