Sunday, September 26, 2010

The truth hurts

Humor is usually my defense mechanism but I'm fresh out of sarcastic self-depreciating banter. Maybe.

A family member made a comment about me this weekend that shattered my already fragile confidence about my physical self. All these photos you see here and the sexy confident talk? The chatter is fake confidence that I share on the better days and the photos are products of good lighting, some mad cropping skilz, and strategically placed towels and clothing. So basically, its fake, all of it.

I'm not proud of the fact that one sentence from someone with about as much tact as Ann Coulter ruined my entire weekend and caused me to cry for hours. But it did. And I'm not even PMSing y'all. I don't ever forget things that hurt me so this is always and forever going to be in the back of my mind. What makes it worse is that its true and was spoken with brutal honesty by someone who has no reason not to be completely candid. She simply called it like she saw it. It stung. Bad.

I'm depressed about it and that makes me angry. And even with reassurances that "she didn't mean anything by it", that "you're sexy and beautiful" and "people are stupid"...I'm not buying it. I know my flaws but it hurts when other people point them out so glaringly.

I'm not sure what its going to take for me to feel sexy and attractive again. Probably time and about 30 less pounds. But until then I'm going to be overly dramatic and shower in the dark and avoid mirrors.




  1. People make unthinking comments that mean nothing to them and everything to you. You cannot help taking them on and all I can say is time heals. One thing to remember is that people that don't matter see the worst in you and don't see the good, while the important people see the good and find the bad to still be ok or nice.

  2. Holy shit, Bella! WTF did the person say?! Don't answer that! I ENVY your photos and towels or cropping or no you are an amazingly attractive woman in photos. And your sexiness comes through not only in your photos but in your words and comments. I'm not talking about "beauty on the inside" crap. You're beautiful on the outside, in the flesh, where everybody can see it.

    Moreover, a guy who knows a thing or two about beauty and sexy (Hubman) has TESTIFIED to your inner and outer beauty. And another who's opinion of beauty and taste is self-evident (13Messages) also sings your praises. And what about Mr. C and (damn I forgot her name at the moment but you know who I mean). Their chronicle of your meeting was an ode to your loveliness.

    This is bullshit! Whatever that person says and whoever they are, they are incorrect. And if they made you cry, they are unkind as well.

    I have a little experience in this area as well -- poor body image, an extra few pounds, and some mean-spirited though always telling me 'just bein' honest, sugar' family members. I also have 20+ years in the entertainment industry and know a thing or two about physical standards of beauty. They are wrong and it's not "truth" that hurts, its unkindness.

    I have no idea who said what, and you may love them completely, but personally I think they're an idiot.


  3. People suck sometimes - true or not - it doesn't make how they said it or when they chose to say it right. You have every right to be upset with their timing end delivery and their bad decision making. Hugs to you!

  4. Since Ivey mentioned my name...

    Yeah, as someone who has had the pleasure of meeting you in person, without the "benefit" of careful lighting, etc, I'm calling bullshit on whatever this person said about you.

    Remember when I described you as yumminess from head to toe? Please don't forget that, I mean it!

  5. I'm so sorry this asshat hurt your feelings. I understand how you are fighting the demons in your own head who (I will guess based on personal experience) are thrilled that someone is throwing in with them.

    Just remember though. This is still your head and while this was crippling and hurtful just now, you get the final say in where you let these thoughtless, hurtful things rest.

    Find that strong part of you and let her stick up for the part of you so wounded now. Time will make it better and so will listening to the best parts of you. They are generally way quieter than the demons, but way more reliably informed. ;)

    In the meantime...I find that thinking up elaborate industrial accidents involving my perpetrators and public embarrassment combined with subsequent-failsafe-make-it-look-like-an-accident scenarios always gets me to crack a smile early.

    Hugs and kisses, mama.
    I know how bad this sucks.

  6. Oh Bella...

    I agree with what everyone said. There are so many different kinds of people in the world, who's to say what should be the norm? Can you imagine if we'd all be underweight and tall, or whatever? How boring it would be?

    If you feel good about yourself, if you have confidence in yourself, if you find yourself beautiful, sexy and cheerful, then others will too and will want to be at your side.

    You can't please everyone, and for those who aren't pleased with you, well... fuck them.

    Let your beauty shine!!!!!!!!

  7. Fuck her. That is all.

    Wait, no. There's more:

    Chin up..bright lights and sexy. Not a damn thing wrong with strategically placed towels..doesn't make the photo or you shows the side of you you want to see...celebrate that.

    You think professional models don't do the same?

  8. Bella,

    Why are you letting this callous woman define YOUR truth? Why are her words more true than all the people (bloggers included) that find you sexy as hell, funny, and beautiful. Sure we only get a one dimensional view of you (well I say two) but does this woman know you any better, more thoroughly? I doubt it or she wouldn't have been so brutally judgemental.

    Maybe she's insecure and gets off on hurting others and pointing out their differences as flaws because she is unhappy with herself (and mean).

    Snap out of it NOW!


    P.S. you could always get naked and snap photos, I hear that's the cure for ails ya ;-)

  9. If all it takes is a few well placed props and some careful photography to make your photos super-sexy, then so-what? That puts you on the same level of just about every star in Hollywood. Then, once you take away those things, you will still shine through to those who can see, that puts you one level higher still.

    We all have things we want to improve about ourselves, and in some ways that is good, but it should never rule our lives.

    You are a wonderful and beautiful woman who I personally find extremely desirable, you are one fine lady!

  10. Bella, most women tend to feel less than beautiful and/or sexy a times. A careless comment is all it will take to crush our fragile egos. Having body (and age!) issues myself, I know from where you speak. Please know that you are beautiful and sexy, not just on the outside but inside as well. Regardless of your body, which looks lucious, lighting or not, your attitude and words make you just divine.

    I would trust Mr. Man, Hubman, 13 Messages and everyone else that finds you very desirable.

    And (((HUGS)))

  11. I feel this way all of the time, but what comes out in your blog is YOU and we all think it is beautiful. You are raw and real. I think you are beautiful, cropping and all!!!

  12. Something must have been in the air because this weekend I had two "friends" tell me at a sit down dinner chat schedule by them that the "real me" is never gona get a guy if I keep wearing my sexuality on my sleave. I Talk about it to much and write about it even more and no guy is going to find that atractive. That we live here in the bible belt south and that I need to wise up that kind of talk and those caulities are not appreciated here. =( I felt attacked and backed into a corner. Like some fake "me" is better then the real me. That was fucked up. I have never been so hurt.

    I am so sorry that you went through something similiar. I told them the same thing. That while I act all confident and that is what they see that sometimes I am just as scared that no one will "see" me or love me for the real me. That I work at my confidence and putting me down because they have no confidence doesn't actually make them any better. *hugs*

  13. WTF did she say? We, myself included, place way to much credence on our physical appearance, I think it's likely due to the mass media creating what we are supposed to like and disslike.

    Ever look at yourself in a photo from 10 to 15 years ago and say "I looked great then", I'd bet that at the time you though you were fat.

    You look great, you should know that you do, a few extra this and that here and there does not matter.

  14. It's easy to be hard on yourself.. I know this from experience.. Hell, at my advanced age, I am just learning to accept the flaws I have and developing the thicker hide to keep this sort of thing from hurting my feelings..
    Are we perfect? Never were, never will be..
    Learning to accept that will help like crazy..
    That and the fact that others will be hurtful to you in order to hide their own inadequacies by attempting to point out yours.. And mostly because they think they are more inadequate..
    Funny thing is, we're all pretty inadequate in one way or another.. That is just life.. :):)

  15. I've silently enjoyed your posts for a couple of months now, and I just wanted to say I'm sorry to hear of your sad weekend. I hope you bounce back quickly. Life's too damn fast to be sad & depressed. This was supposed to be supportive.

  16. I've seen your photos and I would kill for that body!!

    I hate that society dictates what is ok.. every time I see this skinny models or tv stars all I can think is.. "someone give that girl a twinkie"
    Thank GOD for those of us who are normal!

  17. Sometimes brutal honesty is unnecessary, especially when it's going to hurt someone like it hurt you. To have your confidence and self esteem shattered by a comment like that is awful.

    I'm so sorry hon..... ****hugs****

  18. I'm so sorry to hear that you are going through this. We all have been there before and it is painful. After feeling sick and having my self worth reduced to pennys on the dollar, I see a way out of my basement when I finally can remind myself that the "other" person has no right to control of I feel about myself. That is my self image not theirs. They have no right, I mean, "how dare they do that". Really.

  19. I know exactly what it feels like to have poor body image and self esteem issues. Regardless of how beautiful people tell you that you are, you're the one looking at yourself every day and seeing your flaws.

    You *are* a beautiful woman, but not because of your body (which is simply incredible whether you believe it or not) but because of who you are inside and what you mean to those of us who read you. You have opened yourself up to those of us who follow your blog and who wait patiently for updates about your escapades. You've become the envy of more than one woman I'm sure, with the kind of experiences you've had. You're so honest about your sexuality. And your zest for life makes me smile every time I click on your page. I am definitely one of the envious ones.

    It is hard to look at that extra few pounds and believe that it can be beautiful, but it can be. When you're confident and happy, it doesn't matter what you look like on the outside because all of who you really are will outshine it anyway. You are one of the few who really do shine.

    P.S. coming from a chick who likes to do chicks... I'd do you and I'm rather picky. ;)

    P.P.S. We all do those photo editing things... all my pictures are touched up prior to putting on the blog. I hate seeing my body also, most of the time. So, you're not alone in your fakeness. It's completely unnecessary though, we'd think you're gorgeous without all of that.

  20. You are so DAMN SEXY that I wish a lot more woman were like YOU!