Monday, April 4, 2011

again please

I want to do this again. And this. Just rereading those posts make me squirm with anticipation and desire.

Neither of us are new to the feelings of wanting to control and wanting to BE controlled, but we are new to acting those feelings out. I was surprised at what that session did to awaken things inside me that I had an inkling existed but was never quite sure. Now I know that they definitely are there and I want to explore them more, to go deeper, further, harder.

I think.

Its certainly not a question of trust. I have found the perfect partner to explore these things with and I wouldn't even dream of going there with someone I didn't trust completely. Its a question of what other feelings might arise (so to speak). What could happen the further we go? How far CAN we go? What are the limits? Those questions both scare and exhilirate me.

So while I know there is for sure "something" there, I'm not quite sure what that "something" is. Its not tangible and is very difficult for me to even put into words what happened in my head while C-Man was owning me. There was nothing else outside of that leash and collar, that room, that bed, those hands, that cock, that voice, those commands, those slaps... It was just me and my head being led into a mental place I'd never delved that far into before. It was a letting go and just simply....being. It was a floating on some sort of erotic and psychological release.

I loved letting it all go and C-Man having his way, totally and completely. But I also loved fighting back, the struggle, the playing at resisting when what I really wanted was for him to overpower my resistance and deem it futile. That made something click inside me. The struggle, me losing, and then a rush of passion. As in, I wanted to fucking bite him. What the hell is that all about?

I suppose this may sound naive to anyone who is more experienced in such things but for me, its new and intriguing and depending on my mood, I want it more than anything, or I don't want it at all. Its confusing to me and makes perfect sense.

And in three weeks, C-Man is coming back to do it again.



  1. Bella, you have described exactly the same feelings I had when I first explored this with a Mistress over 10 years ago. It was was, I have come to understand, "subspace" almost hypnotic place where, yes, trust and letting go come together like a perfect storm. I have experimented with mind altering substances, but have never quite felt the intensity of need (and a bit of the resistance) like when she had me in her "sway." Deliciously addictive...and I know the desire and repulsion you seem to refer to as is all part of the dynamic...the magnetism.

  2. I too feel a bit naive when I talk about our recent exploration of d/s. But I must say, you have described my feelings perfectly. :-) I look forward to hearing more.

  3. I'm green with envy... I want it. I think. I had a short adventure with an online Master once which was incredibly intense, and your post brought back very vivid memories of one specific night, when I felt something inside me change, as if entering a parallel reality... But I quickly realized that this was not something I wanted to do online. I'll wait, and hope. Perhaps someday I'll get the opportunity to experience it, and if that day comes I hope I'll dare. It's scary... and so wildly enticing.