Sunday, October 2, 2011

There's no crying in baseball!!!

But there is crying in a sub/Dom relationship apparently. As you know if you have read C-Man's account of our time in Boston. I have struggled with how or even if to write about this and I'm not sure I will be successful even now after it's been several weeks.

The conflict I had with playtime in Boston was this...I went there on a very close family member's dime...a family member who would be crushed, heartbroken, shocked, sickened, saddened and all other manner of bad things if they knew about my life as Bella. There would be time with this family member to bond and explore the city and we were both looking forward to it very much. And yet, C-Man lived within driving distance and knows the city and it was a perfect opportunity to see him as well. An opportunity that seemed a shame to let go to waste. So I was at war with myself on how to have these two lives cross in such close proximity to each other. I would have to be Bella during part of my time in Boston and then quickly switch to the girl this family member knows and loves so very much, the good girl. I wasn't sure I could handle the mental conflict and the closer the trip came, the more difficult I found the thought of that to be. As C-Man said, I made the decision not to play a few days before. I realize it wasn't fair to waffle on C-Man like that but this conflict I was was real and new, and a very big issue for me.

The points C-Man makes in his post about Jake are valid ones. But not ones that I will address in this post. That is a whole other topic and had no bearing on my inner struggle or the fact that I became a teary hot mess during playtime. I fully intended to stand strong and not even kiss, much less fuck C-Man. These intentions were in place right up to the point when he was in my room. But then he was right there. Close to me. Touching me. And dammit, I am weak.

A switch was most definitely thrown inside me as well and I changed to full-on Bella mode, his plaything, putty in his hands so to speak, meant to be controlled and most willing to comply. There is a place in my mind that craves to be dominated, used in some way, controlled by someone I trust not to harm me or go too far. The more C-Man and I delve into this somewhat new and scary realm, the deeper the emotional ramifications. And thus my tears. The tears were suddenly rolling down my face, smearing my mascara and surprising both of us.

Many things were going through my mind that probably contributed to this emotional release. I was mad at myself for doing what I was doing when I had told myself that I most certainly wouldn't. I was a bit angry that he was angry that I hadn't wanted to and yet here he was, "forcing" his cock into my mouth. But I DID want to. And that made me angry and confused as well. I wanted to let go of the stuff going on in my head and just release it all, lose myself in the role of the sub and let the chips (and tears) fall.

The end result was a new level of feeling, a new level of conflict even. Said family member actually met C-Man and loved him, as is our blogger friend's general effect on people. The chasm between my two lives widened and I feel the strain of maintaining these opposite sides of myself a bit more than before. I feel like there must be some sort of breaking point eventually and that scares me. I don't know how to reconcile this Jekyl and Hyde thing I've got going on. No clue. Honestly, the real me is closer to Bella than the Good Girl, but Bella would break too many of my loved ones hearts. And so I persist in the Good Girl role for them and in the Bella role for you and myself.



  1. That is powerful stuff. Knowing what you went through, this meltdown of your so-called Good Girl defences, I think it's amazing that you were able to have your relative meet C-Man and keep yourself together. I wouldn't say you're weak; you're quite strong.

    But I think you're right, this is a dangerous line to flirt with. My advice would be, if I may, to keep those two parts of your life separate. If you have a family meeting, keep it a family meeting.

    I love reading you and I would really be sad to see your two lives clash and unravel in disaster. You're on a certain course but you're not at the mercy of it. You can always change direction or put the breaks on if need be.

    I hope Mr. Man is feeling alright about all this and that you find comfort in him. You two are the most important thing.

    Thanks for sharing and take care.

  2. We all have two sides, yours just seem to play out in such a physical and real way.

    I suggest keeping Bella and the good girl as seperate as possible.

    For the record, I am on Bella's side, sorry good girl :)

  3. True, raw emotion in this post. My heart ached for you as I read it, because I think at some time in our lives most women feel so wrong in what we are doing or feel gut-wrenching emotion.
    Thank you for sharing this.