brain turbulence

Life can feel so out of control. And that's when I crave to BE controlled the most. I'm fortunate to have found a partner who has been able and willing to give me some amazing submissive experiences lately, but real life logistics and events have precluded a very consistent outlet for this and will continue to do so. In the grand scheme of things, it's not important I suppose. But it is a strong want, dare I say a sexual need for me.

As alluded to, things have been crazy lately. I just returned from a much needed escape to visit Frances. It was lovely, as time with her always is. We did fun sexy things, and fun touristy things. She is an excellent hostess and I would have stayed another week if it had been possible.

I know I still haven't written about Mr. Man and my foray into a poly-esque relationship with new friends and I'm not sure how to go about that really, as it's been a roller-coaster of emotions and events. It has been a huge part of our lives these past few months and a continuous learning experience for all of us. I'd like to sort it all out in my head to relay some of it here. Soon, I hope.

Sometimes I truly feel like I'm falling apart. Today depression and panic hit me like the proverbial ton of bricks and I felt like I was losing my way. Which is much easier to do when you aren't sure what your "way" even is. I feel like I'm floating between lives yet not fully grounded in any. I fight against the often overwhelming urge to flee. So far I haven't, obviously, but I wonder if one day I will just snap and take off for Buenos Aires or at least across town.

Hey Bella, stop being such a fucking downer.

xoxo,
Bella

Post holiday

I hope you lovely people had a great holiday if you celebrate in any way. Christmas this year would have totally sucked were it not for my kid and her uninhibited joy. Seriously, thank god for her. I still haven't been able to see my family due to the health issues of a family member mentioned in a previous post. Hopefully soon but we'll see. Life is fragile. That's all I got.

Anyway, I'm glad to be past all the holiday madness but as expected, the post holiday blues have hit me pretty hard. This happens every year so it wasn't a shock but still isn't a welcome event. It's a combination of things that I haven't figured out how to circumvent yet. Ah well, this too shall pass.

/end vague post

straddling the fence

One of the things I love most about New York City is how you can be surrounded by millions of people but still retain the highest sense of anonymity. As the product of a small town, this was painfully NOT the case for me growing up. From birth till about senior year of high school, I didn't really know any better. I just assumed that's the way it was and was used to everyone knowing what I was doing, where I was supposed to be and when I was supposed to be there, and reporting questionable behavior to my parents. Not that there was any of the later since I was "brainwashed" into being a goody-two-shoes and never gave my parents much grief. Until that senior year in high school and I started thinking for myself a bit more.

I suppose being a goody-two-shoes isn't such a bad thing as a child and adolescent, but when the expectations of others encroach upon an adult figuring out things for themselves and exploring who they really are and who they want to be, then I think it becomes a problem. It has for me even to this day and I'm in my mid-thirties. The more I come to realize (with the help of therapy and more exposure to people and things different from my youth) just how much of an inner conflict my years of childhood and early adolescence have caused my adult self, it makes me increasingly sad and compounds my feeling of loneliness and mental turmoil. 

In its simplest form, the conflict is this...my parents (and others close to me in my "former" life) have expectations of me that they assume I am/will pass along to my own child. These are based on a strict, very conservative religious background and beliefs that they assume I still hold true. The problem is that I am not sure that I do, pretty sure I don't actually. Yet my hesitation in cutting ties with these beliefs is the question that constantly looms over my head..."what if they are RIGHT?" What if I go my own way and I screw up badly? Not only myself, but my precious child? And so I feel confined and continue to play the role of obedient and faithful daughter in their presence while letting what I feel is a truer version of myself show on this blog and with certain trusted friends, etc. Its a double life that wears on me and causes a great deal of stress and angst.

To be clear, I love my parents with all my heart and they are good people. It would break their hearts to know their daughter isn't who they think she is or should be. This both angers and saddens me. So I continue to straddle the fence of good Christian girl who is a Devil in bed and other choice places. Its easy to say "hey Bella, grow a pair and do your own thing, you're a grown woman for fucks sake!" I say this to myself all the time, trust me. The roadblock is twofold...the question above, "what if they're right?", and not wanting to crush my parents and cause them grief.

Another thought that just occurred to me...its not like I want to reveal all to the family...I don't feel the need to tell them about my lifestyle choices or that I like to be spanked or any of the stuff you lucky readers are privy to here. That would just be weird and unnecessary. I just want to feel freer to explore other options in spirituality without feeling like they have doomed me to hell. To not feel like I have to hide the liqueur when they come over, to stop feeling guilty if I'm not warming a pew in church every Sunday morning (or ANY Sunday morning).

Its ridiculous really, this fence straddling thing I'm doing. And yet, I can't seem to commit fully to either side.

xoxo,
Bella
 

bullet style

• I'm glad I didn't delete this blog. I came so close to doing just that. But as a friend told me today, I will be glad that its here as an outlet for me, even if I take breaks from it sometimes. 
• Its been a melancholy day and I've been tearful for much of it. 
• I got the greatest text today. I want to frame it and keep it for always. It said, "Somewhere in an alternate universe, you and I are fucking the shit out of each other right now. In Paris." Romantic? Not so much. Perfect words for me at the perfect time? Most definitely.
• I've spent some time tonight perusing your lovely sexy dirrrrrrty blogs and wow, there is so much I want to read! Who has the time?!?!
• I miss Mr. Man. I want him to come in here right now and hug me and hold me and tell me he loves me and isn't mad at me. I want to feel connected to him again. Ugh. Sometimes real life sucks. 

Things seem to be changing somehow. I think for the better but then again, I'm never certain.

Mr. Man and I are in a good, dare I say great, place. Our sex has been frequent and a bit spicier lately. I did discuss him fucking me on his desk at work, right? But did I mention the blow job I gave him in the park last week? We've also been discussing our lifestyle choices and agree that if we want to continue exploring this, that all we have to do is make more of an effort. We've updated photos and our profile on a swinger site and have been more openly talking about such things lately. I'm not sure if anything tangible will progress in that regard but its nice to think and talk about with him. It makes me feel closer to him and that's something I had been missing.

Outside of those aspects, things are not so spicy. And that is ok right now. C-Man and I aren't exactly simpatico lately and I'm not sure where that relationship is going. We grew very close and his friendship means a lot to me. But things have become muddled somehow. Its a complicated thing he and I have created, perhaps to our detriment. We each want different things and neither of us are willing, nor should we have to, compromise on these things for the other one. I value what we had together and am fortunate to have found someone I trusted to explore a bit of BDSM. If we end things, I will miss that and am not sure where or if I'll be able to find it again. But I am asking myself if the value of that is worth the strain caused by other issues. 

I'm fortunate to be able to hang out with 13 Messages a lot lately. We seem to have found a schedule that works nicely and have enjoyed some late movies and a few beers in recent weeks. While its not in the cards for us to play together these days, I very much enjoy discussing life and sexy things with him. However, I must add that it is only via a massive amount of willpower and respect for boundaries that keeps me from straddling him in a dark movie theater.

You may now consider yourself updated on all things sexy in the life of Bella.

xoxo,
Bella

quiet

There's no crying in baseball!!!

But there is crying in a sub/Dom relationship apparently. As you know if you have read C-Man's account of our time in Boston. I have struggled with how or even if to write about this and I'm not sure I will be successful even now after it's been several weeks.

The conflict I had with playtime in Boston was this...I went there on a very close family member's dime...a family member who would be crushed, heartbroken, shocked, sickened, saddened and all other manner of bad things if they knew about my life as Bella. There would be time with this family member to bond and explore the city and we were both looking forward to it very much. And yet, C-Man lived within driving distance and knows the city and it was a perfect opportunity to see him as well. An opportunity that seemed a shame to let go to waste. So I was at war with myself on how to have these two lives cross in such close proximity to each other. I would have to be Bella during part of my time in Boston and then quickly switch to the girl this family member knows and loves so very much, the good girl. I wasn't sure I could handle the mental conflict and the closer the trip came, the more difficult I found the thought of that to be. As C-Man said, I made the decision not to play a few days before. I realize it wasn't fair to waffle on C-Man like that but this conflict I was having...it was real and new, and a very big issue for me.

The points C-Man makes in his post about Jake are valid ones. But not ones that I will address in this post. That is a whole other topic and had no bearing on my inner struggle or the fact that I became a teary hot mess during playtime. I fully intended to stand strong and not even kiss, much less fuck C-Man. These intentions were in place right up to the point when he was in my room. But then he was right there. Close to me. Touching me. And dammit, I am weak.

A switch was most definitely thrown inside me as well and I changed to full-on Bella mode, his plaything, putty in his hands so to speak, meant to be controlled and most willing to comply. There is a place in my mind that craves to be dominated, used in some way, controlled by someone I trust not to harm me or go too far. The more C-Man and I delve into this somewhat new and scary realm, the deeper the emotional ramifications. And thus my tears. The tears were suddenly rolling down my face, smearing my mascara and surprising both of us.

Many things were going through my mind that probably contributed to this emotional release. I was mad at myself for doing what I was doing when I had told myself that I most certainly wouldn't. I was a bit angry that he was angry that I hadn't wanted to and yet here he was, "forcing" his cock into my mouth. But I DID want to. And that made me angry and confused as well. I wanted to let go of the stuff going on in my head and just release it all, lose myself in the role of the sub and let the chips (and tears) fall.

The end result was a new level of feeling, a new level of conflict even. Said family member actually met C-Man and loved him, as is our blogger friend's general effect on people. The chasm between my two lives widened and I feel the strain of maintaining these opposite sides of myself a bit more than before. I feel like there must be some sort of breaking point eventually and that scares me. I don't know how to reconcile this Jekyl and Hyde thing I've got going on. No clue. Honestly, the real me is closer to Bella than the Good Girl, but Bella would break too many of my loved ones hearts. And so I persist in the Good Girl role for them and in the Bella role for you and myself.

xoxo,
Bella