Today was fucked up in so many ways. I won't go into it but suffice it to say, today sucked big sweaty stinky donkey testicles dipped in runny shit. And I know I know, my feminine fragile lady-like-ness is overfuckingwhelming your delicate eyes. Deal.
Ok, now that I've gotten that out of the way, lets do something fun and mindless and just plain narcissistic. I'm totally stealing this from Danielle, who I think stole it from Sage but I could be wrong about that. Sue me.
1. I was Class President, Miss Senior, Valedictorian and Captain of the basketball team. Yeah, I was THAT girl in high school. My apologies.
2. I never had sex or got drunk until AFTER high school. Goody goody much?
3. I went to a K-12 school with 250 students TOTAL. My class was large with 24 of us. This was a public school btw.
4. I was the tallest girl in my class.
5. I wore braces my junior year. I thought I was so cute.
6. I also wore the accompanying headgear. That was NOT so cute. But I never had to wear it in public, thank god.
7. I have a younger brother.
8. My parents are still together.
9. We didn't have a television growing up. We read a LOT of books.
10. I wore a ponytail in jr. high. Every day. And it had to be EXACTLY in the center of my head or I would redo it. Over and over again. Sometimes I redid that fucking ponytail 20 times to get it perfect. I was OCD.
11. A friend and I used to put aluminum foil over our teeth and pretend we had braces.
12. My room was a shrine, a SHRINE I tell you, to Michael Jordan. I was in love with him and wanted to have his babies. I would still consider it.
13. I have a fantasy involving an african american man. Preferably a bald one. Or Shemar Moore, bald or not. Just sayin'.
14. I've had an orgasm from the jets in a public hot tub. Was nearly busted.
15. I've been caught having sex by a boyfriend's parents. They walked right the fuck in. Oh.My.God.
16. I've never been to a strip club but I want to.
17. I am addicted to HGTV even though I am the opposite of domestic.
18. If I would have been born a male, I would be named "Matthew" right now. So my mom told me once.
19. I don't know how to swim. Not a stroke. I can float my ass off but can't go anywhere. I will be eaten by sharks or starve to death before drowning.
20. I have a phobia of sharks. I can't watch any movie, tv show, or commerical that takes place underwater. I saw Jaws and it freaked me the fuck out. I am skeered of water and its creatures.
21. I also have a phobia of the dentist. I will not sit in the dentist's chair without a head full of nitrous oxide. I enjoy going to the dentist because of the gas. Its like a mini-vacation for my mind.
22. I once rode a camel at the state fair.
23. I've eaten rabbit, turtle, and squirrel. Cooked of course. Liked all of them. I'm a classy girl I know.
24. I once had a pet raccoon. I didn't eat him.
25. I don't keep in touch with my best friend from high school.
26. I wonder how my main ex is doing these days. He married a girl with the same first name as me. I find this funny and ironic. And I not-so-secretly hope it makes him think of me sometimes.
27. I took art classes as a child. I was pretty damn good. For some reason I didn't keep at it.
28. I always wanted to learn to play the piano. Or the saxophone. But I am tone deaf.
29. I've been to several countries in Europe.
30. I want to fuck a sexy Italian man who murmurs in my ear. I don't care what he says as long as he says it in Italian.
31. I've been on two blind dates. One was a disaster. One was amazing.
32. I crushed so hard on Eric Estrada from CHiPs. And Fred Dryer from Hunter.
33. I'd never watched a porno until college.
34. I wish I'd studied abroad in college.
35. I wish I'd majored in something different in college.
36. I wish I'd partied more in college.
37. I have a lot of regrets.
38. I think Penelope Cruz is fucking sexy.
39. Being a mom is the hardest thing I've ever done.
40. I HATED being pregnant and god help me if I ever am again. God.Help.Me.
41. I breastfed my baby for six weeks and finally said "fuck it" and quit. It was the right decision for me and my daughter. And my sanity. And Mr. Man's way of life. Poor guy.
42. I take antidepressants meds and have for years. I probably always will. I'm ok with that.
43. I grew up in a religious home. Now, I'm not sure what I think about all of that. Its something I struggle with a lot.
44. We have a LOT of porn in our house. We like porn.
45. I used to be very jealous and insecure.
46. I used to HATE my smallish boobs. Now I LOVE them. They will always be perky.
47. I HATE my mummy tummy. It refuses to go away. Notice I never post pics of my belly. Maybe I will get brave enough to do that someday but not yet. I HATE it. It disgusts me. I am super jealous of girls with killer abs.
48. I want to live in a high rise in a big city. Or a flat in Paris.
49. I love boys with tattoos, motorcyles, who play the guitar and curse a lot. I like bad boys. But just to play with, not to BE with.
50. I still have not fucked Jake. Dammit. I WILL have him eventually. Even if its in the nursing home. Jake!!! Do you hear me?????
51. Rachel Ray gets on my last nerve.
52. I've been to a casino twice and could NOT, for the life of me, figure out how to play the slot machines. It wasn't like you just pulled a lever and hoped the pictures matched up, like I expected. There was math and stuff. I totally didn't get it. So I just drank the free booze and watched my friends play.
53. I think Venice Italy is gorgeous, in a fake movie set kind of way. But it stinks. That is not a myth. Its stanky in those canals.
54. I want to go tandem skydiving.
55. I spend more money than I should on my hair. I have a lot of gray hair so I color it every few weeks. I refuse to go gray until I'm 70.
56. It stresses me out to take kiddo to a restaurant. Going out to eat is no longer a relaxing experience for me.
57. I love the movie, The Sound of Music. And Amelie. My two favs.
58. I love to suck cock but have trouble swallowing. Damn gag reflex. I'd like to work on this more because I WANT to swallow.
59. I'm a slow cummer. As in, I don't cum quickly unless I'm using my vibe on myself. I'm a high maintenance cummer I guess. But...when I DO cum, I am LOUD. A screamer. It's fucking intense and leaves me spent.
60. I've never had an orgasm from intercourse alone. I need my clit stimulated in order to cum. At least so far.
61. I'm not a fan of anal sex but I think I've covered that in a prior post.
62. I HATE yardwork. Hate it. Oh, and housework too but not as bad as the outside stuff.
63. I've never had a broken bone. Knock on wood.
64. I LOVE going to the theater. As in live performances, not the movies.
65. I can't watch scary gory movies. As in I physically cannot watch them. I get very nervous and jittery and feel like I'm going to have a heart attack.
66. I love modern art. The abstract stuff that my cat could do. I love it.
67. Mr. Man and my wedding cost $1000. Total. Including my dress.
68. If I could do it again, I'd go to Vegas to get married. By Elvis. Or a showgirl.
69. I think big lavish expensive weddings are a waste of money. Can you tell? Because the end result is the same no matter how much you spend. You're still married regardless of how much you dropped on the crazy lacy shit.
70. Even though I can't swim, I still want a swimming pool in the backyard. Because I think they're pretty. And I want to have sex in it. In the shallow end of course.
71. I love it when a man pushes me roughly against the wall and gropes me. Then pulls my hair and throws me on the bed. Then rips my clothes off and holds my wrists above my head and fucks the hell out of me.
72. I love it when a man caresses me gently and whispers in my ear. Then puts his hand behind my head and runs his fingers through my hair. Then gives me tender kisses while he fucks me slowly and carefully. Like I'm a fragile doll.
73. Homelessness disturbs me. Fascinates me. Makes me want to DO something.
74. I loathe camping. In a tent. With no shower or bathroom. With all the bugs and creatures and dirt. I used to pretend to like it for Mr. Man, who loves it, but finally I said "fuck this" and now I no longer have to go camping with him. Honesty is ALWAYS the best policy people.
75. Mr. Man and I dated for over three years before we got married.
76. I love New Orleans. Love it.
77. I think those Bluetooth things people put in their ears makes them look like pompous idiots. I think the same of the Hummer. Don't even ask what I think of people who drive Hummers while talking on Bluetooth.
78. I have a serious crush on one of the Wiggles. I'm not telling which one.
79. I hate reading Jane Austin. I've never made it through any of her novels because I'm afraid I will yawn myself to death. I couldn't even finish The Jane Austin Bookclub. Just the name "Jane Austin" makes me nod off.
80. I never played with dolls as a child. I played with those big ass yellow Tonka trucks.
81. I have NO sense of direction. At all. I come out of a store in the mall and get disoriented. I am not exaggerating. The GPS? The best invention since the epidural. Pure fucking genius.
82. I am addicted to my cell phone. I sleep with it. I pee with it. I eat lunch with it.
83. One of my fantasies is to be in a hotel room with one other woman and five or more men. The two women are on the bed and the men line up, taking turns with us for a couple of minutes each before switching. Those not fucking us, are stroking themselves. First one to cum loses.
84. I secretly turn up my nose at men I see who are walking small "girly" dogs. A man needs a manly dog I say. A lab, or a mastiff, or a German Shepherd, etc. Seeing a man scoop up a dachsund's poop is like seeing a man drive a purple Geo. Just.Wrong.
85. I really want to be one of those hippy granola yoga chics. But I can't quite get there. I'm just not...organic enough.
86. I WILL run a half marathon in 2011. And a full marathon before I turn 40. Really. I will.
87. I have mild asthma and use an inhaler sometimes.
88. I've never tried wax play but would like to.
89. I have a crush on 3 or more of you sexy bloggers. Hmmmmmmm.
90. I would love to own a pair of Chuck Taylors in every color and design.
91. My second toe is longer than my big toe. I have long toes and very skinny flat feet.
92. I wear my Chucks to work and only put on my dress shoes if I have to. I think heels look sexy on paper but in reality, I'd rather just wear them in bed.
93. If I ever get angry with you I may appear to get over it but I never forget it. It's always in the back of my mind. Not proud of this but that's just how I roll.
94. Taylor Swift and Miley Cyrus annoy the living fuck out of me. God help me when my daughter gets to that age when she likes tacky pop singers. Ugh.
95. I like drunk sex. As in, I'm drunk and being taken advantage of. I like that "loosing control" feeling. As long as I'm with someone I trust.
96. I have a habit of buying magazines and never reading them. And I can't bring myself to throw them away.
97. I've been published in an anthology.
98. Mr. Man took me to a very romantic inn once and made me cum over and over and over again all weekend. We never had intercourse and he didn't cum once. It was all about me. I was exhausted by the end of that weekend. And blissfully happy.
99. I'd never been on an airplane until after college.
100. I've never hated anyone like I hate my current boss.
101. I'm wearing the ugliest, tackiest, oldest, loudest maternity sweater that you have ever seen right now. It's my favorite "around the house only, don't be caught dead in" sweater.
Ok y'all, that only took me three hours of my life to compile. Apparently I need to get a life. Now I'm off to bed. Peace out and word up.