Sunday, May 16, 2010

The Rules are a moving target.

I'm coming back to a Formspring question that was emailed to me that is quite interesting & definitely worth some time posting about here.

The question was about Mr. Man & my "rules" for this open marriage thing we're attempting. I'd mentioned that we must each approve the other couple or person. The writer was curious as to how that was working for us, the criteria, method, etc. Excellent question & honestly, the answer is somewhat vague & convoluted but I'd like to write myself through it here anyway & maybe someone will find it interesting. Or something.

First, let me clarify that we are definitely newbies to all of this. Specifically, I've played with one other man & Mr. Man has been with three women besides me. We haven't had the opportunity to play with another couple or person together yet but more on that later. We've each messed around online & on the phone with others but does that really count? Eh, I dunno but its fun anyway.

And so, the rules...Damn, I'm longwinded, sorry. When we first started this we agreed that yes, we each had to approve & give the ok for either of us to play with someone else. And I guess, in general, that's worked. Sort of. There is no criteria persay, but more of an "ok, that person/couple seems like a decent & good person, I have a comfortable vibe about it" kind of thing. Scientific I know. And we have given the thumbs down to a few. Based on their history or how they treat their significant other or just a bad feeling in general.

The rules seem to change as we go along however. I don't want to get too detailed but for example, Mr. Man played with one very nice lady and I was ok with it at first but did have some doubts in the back of my mind but "approved" it. Afterwards though, I wasn't at peace with it and so Mr. Man and I talked and came to an agreement about this particular person.

Honestly, I think the key is a solid base in the current relationship & complete, open, thorough communication about EVERYTHING that is going on.

It's a work in progress & we keep discussing how we hope & want it to work. For instance, we recently discussed a change in the rules where we would only play together. Yeah right. On paper it sounded great but the next thing you know, we're meeting Girlcrush at Starbucks & I give the ok for Mr. Man to meet up with her on his day off while I was at work. So that rule lasted about 3 days. Ha.(that one just happened & I haven't posted about it for a few reasons. A whole other issue.) 

I'm not sure there's a clearcut answer but we continue to discuss & experiment & take it day by day. So far so good. The future is open for whatever & we always have the option to take a break or stop altogether if we decide that's what is best. For now, we seem to be in a good place.



  1. I am amazed at the level of respect and trust you must have to do this. I respect it. I couldn't do it only because I am to insecure. I have to tell you that I envy the level of communication and love that you have and will just live vicariously through you. :)

  2. Danielle,
    It's not something I thought we would EVER get into. I dunno, we've been together for years and I think it was just something that has evolved over time. Its definitely something that we HAVE to communicate about and keep close tabs on or it has the potential for disaster. Its a weird new thing. Feel free to live vicariously! :)

  3. Hell, I am coming into my own these days, so you never know! Maybe not so vicariously some day. Until then, thanks for sharing!

  4. I like the way you are about it. You sound laid back and not too worried. It is a matter of trust. Which is interesting because in your previous post you revealed that you used to be jealous and insecure. Sounds like that is no longer the case. Communicate, communicate, communicate.

    Thanks for sharing!

  5. Good to hear you're in a good place. You seem to be dealing well with everything.


  6. Veronica and I have taken a similar approach with our rules- they're firm, but we're also willing to discuss changing some of them. We started out solely doing this as a couple, but have decided to play separately on occasion.

    As long as communication is honest and open, it works for us and sounds like it does for you as well.

  7. Good luck. I wish I lived nearby.

  8. Yep... firm rules AND very OPEN communication!!!!
    Good luck as you proceed!!

    These kinds of relationships evolve as time goes on...