Disclaimer: There's nothing one bit sexy in this post. So move along if that's why you're here. This is simply me bitching. Again.
What's it called when you know you're acting like a lunatic but keep doing it anyway? Oh yeah, being a crazy bitch. Although, if the saying is true that legit crazy people don't think they're crazy, then I'm as sane as fuck.
Not being able to run is consuming me as the date grows closer to what was supposed to be my first 1/2 marathon with friends. I keep torturing myself and I cannot stop reading running blogs. I am compelled to lurk and stab myself in the heart repeatedly when I read about plans for others running together and how fucking epic it will be blah blah blah. Fuck all of them. It was supposed to be me goddammit. ME. I feel like I've been cheated. That something has been stolen from me. That each and every runner I read about, talk to, or see on the road is personally taunting me. The fact that I will not be running with my friends, one in particular, is like a slap in the face. A twist of the knife. Over and over again. Face it Bella, this race is going to happen. Right.Under.Your.Nose. On.Your.Turf. Without you. And you hate it. I think I might go crazy with jealously. I don't want the date to come, I want to skip it altogether. The knot in my stomach when I think about it is proof. I feel physically ill over it and it is tainting relationships. Tainting good times that are supposed to happen because I can't get it out of my head. And if one more person tells me "you'll be back at it before you know it" I am going to punch them in the face. I know I say that a lot, that I'm going to punch someone, but I swear to god...I'm just so...angry. Unreasonably angry over this.
See? Ridonkulus. Fuck.