Sunday, March 11, 2012

i know i'm being ridonkulus

Disclaimer: There's nothing one bit sexy in this post. So move along if that's why you're here. This is simply me bitching. Again.

What's it called when you know you're acting like a lunatic but keep doing it anyway? Oh yeah, being a crazy bitch. Although, if the saying is true that legit crazy people don't think they're crazy, then I'm as sane as fuck.

Not being able to run is consuming me as the date grows closer to what was supposed to be my first 1/2 marathon with friends. I keep torturing myself and I cannot stop reading running blogs. I am compelled to lurk and stab myself in the heart repeatedly when I read about plans for others running together and how fucking epic it will be blah blah blah. Fuck all of them. It was supposed to be me goddammit. ME. I feel like I've been cheated. That something has been stolen from me. That each and every runner I read about, talk to, or see on the road is personally taunting me. The fact that I will not be running with my friends, one in particular, is like a slap in the face. A twist of the knife. Over and over again. Face it Bella, this race is going to happen. Right.Under.Your.Nose. On.Your.Turf. Without you. And you hate it. I think I might go crazy with jealously. I don't want the date to come, I want to skip it altogether. The knot in my stomach when I think about it is proof. I feel physically ill over it and it is tainting relationships. Tainting good times that are supposed to happen because I can't get it out of my head. And if one more person tells me "you'll be back at it before you know it" I am going to punch them in the face. I know I say that a lot, that I'm going to punch someone, but I swear to god...I'm just so...angry. Unreasonably angry over this.

See? Ridonkulus. Fuck.


  1. It really isnt ridiculous and your certainly not a crazy bitch lol
    you just want something and thats not crazy.

    You just need something else to occupy your time.
    and btw your sexy even when your not being sexy lol

  2. When I am angry, I say I am so angry I could punch a nun in the face. Not very nice, but the mental image make me giggle.

    Mr. No Name

  3. Not ridonkulous or crazy - human. Be angry and jealous, I do it. Of course, I also give myself a time frame for it, so that it doesn't consume me. Like, "Okay Carrie, you can cry about this situation/person/emotion/overcooked steak for 1 day. After that, no more for at least 5 days" then if day 6 rolls around and I want to do it again, I say the same thing, but then up it to 7 days. Mostly I do that though cause I'll trick myself into thinking I'm okay and then letting little things pile up to the point where I don't even realize how much I'm holding in and it breaks me hard.

    I'm here for ya girl! As I say to my friend at the gym as we struggle through our reps, "You got this Bella, you got it! It doesn't have you - you have IT!"