Wednesday, July 3, 2013


I am exhausted. I feel like I have been engaged in some epic psychological battle for months and it has taken its toll. Now, I feel like I've essentially been left to mourn this alone. Actually, not feel like, I have. How do I go from loving someone so fiercely to....nothing at all, emptiness, silence? Maybe the simple passage of time will help? Being angry? I don't know. For now its unpredictable. One minute I think I'm going to be fine, that I am strong and this is all for the best, and then I'll hear a song, smell a scent, see a landmark, and I am questioning everything and wiping tears again.

I know Mr. Man is stressed as I ponder what I need to be happy. He sees me struggling and I can only imagine the pain that causes him. I carry immense guilt about that. He does not deserve this angst I am forcing on him. He deserves someone stable and steady like he is, and that will never be me. Its not easy, loving me. Someone whose head, heart, and body long to be wild and free while she feels confined by "real life" responsibilities and daily routines. This has been the case with me for many years now, but this latest thing has brought it screaming to the forefront like never before, impossible to ignore. Planting itself unmoving right in front of my face, demanding to be dealt with. Its a disconnect that I wonder if I'll ever be able to link together in a sustainable and realistic way.

I also struggle with the question of the future when I know I should be focusing on the present. I know the challenges of going from a closed marriage to an open one. But what about the challenge of going from an open marriage back to a closed one? Can we do that successfully and be content with it? Is it a permanent arrangement? Can I be ok with not having the sub/Dom outlet in my life? What is ok now and what is not? Can we make it through this at all? Why am I such a worrier? Jesus fucking Christ Bella, could you over think things just a tiny bit more please?

I have lost weight and sleep over this. I'm trying not to lose myself.



  1. Though we're not poly, I can relate to so much of what you say here. The guilt you describe is a way of life for me, even though Jill doesn't impose it. To some extent it's just me trying to shake off years of social conditioning in order to accept what I need to be happy and complete. Hang in there. You're in our thoughts.

    - Jack

    1. Thanks Jack. Yes, that guilt is huge for me, especially now. And yet, I can't compromise what I need. I know you get it. xoxo.

  2. No, don't lose yourself.

    I'm really commenting on your next post, since I can't comment there. Take all the time you need, and best of luck.