A Brotherly Proposition, Part I

Even before the pandemic, LL and I liked to take walks and chat. 

"Remember that time I said that I wouldn't ever want to share you, like, at the same time, in the same room? Well, what if I found someone who I would share you with like that?"

My curiosity was piqued. "I'm listening."

He went on, "You might think this is a bit weird...it's my brother."

No stranger to threesomes, I still wasn't expecting THAT. So of course, I said yes.

To be continued...

My Open Relationship in the Time of COVID

This post could have been written months ago, but it's something that's impacted me and that I'm just now writing down. 

I don't have many good things to say about the state of the world, the U.S. in particular, right now. We're living in the upside down, watching a raging dumpster fire--a shit storm of corruption, racism, threats to women's rights, environmental and economic crisis. Oh, and that little pandemic thing. And that's just the short list. 

COVID has fucked up a lot of things, I daresay most things. Sex though... that pleasure ought to still provide us with a lovely escape from the outside world. Right? Right?!?!?!? Yes, but it looks different now, at least different for those who take COVID seriously. 

These bizarre times have made many of us in the open/poly* community take a good long look at how we're engaging in extracurricular activities and reassessing the risks and what our sex lives must look like now for our safety and the safety of our partners. I'm seeing kinky Twitter friends bemoaning the lack of sex lately and wondering when conditions will allow them to return to multiple partners as usual. It feels confining. Restrictive. As if some folks didn't have enough restrictions in their lives before becoming open, now it feels like they're back inside a different sort of locked box with taunting memories of the free love, open sex lives they used to lead. 

It's changed for me, too. Pre-COVID, I had 3-5 partners I'd see on occasion. I've never been much of a one-night-stand, swinger party kind of girl. I consider my partners as friends (some closer than others of course) who I can hang out with, have great conversations with, AND have NSA sex with. I was already operating in a sort of safety bubble that felt good and right for me. When COVID became a thing, even this relative safe space didn't feel good or right anymore. Mr. Man and I take the pandemic very seriously. We mask, pulled our kid out of extracurricular activities and into distance learning, I moved to remote work only, etc. We are not playing with this thing. I/we had to consider how our open status impacted the safety of our family. 

Of my handful of partners, Joe was one who took COVID as seriously as I did, and he just happened to be the one I saw most often anyway. We had many conversations about the pandemic, the easy, drama-freeness of our thing, and what made us feel safe and what didn't. I trust his decision making and for now, he's the only one I'm seeing outside of my marriage. We've ramped up how often we hang out and it's been pretty much an every weekend thing lately. It's working out great so far, and while I try to only speak for myself in this space, I think it's safe to say that he's pretty keen on it as well. So far, I don't feel restricted--I feel safe and good about making what I consider to be a smart choice about my sex life.

How long will this last? Who the fuck knows. Nobody knows anything anymore, do they? I made a comment to Joe last weekend about wondering what my non monogamous life will look like after COVID. But really, what will anything look like after COVID? We're all trying to make the best of a shitty situation. I'd like to think that in the coming months things might look a bit closer to what they were before. But for now, I'm going to don my mask and run to the liquor store in preparation for a sleepover with Joe. My upside down looks pretty good right now, considering.

*I have never settled on a label that feels right for my particular situation. I guess "open" is as close as it gets. Or just simply "non monogamous." I'm not really poly. Definitely not a swinger. I'm just a married woman who loves sex with a few extra partners.

Photo by Crawford Jolly on Unsplash

Joe

This town and it's hot musicians y'all. I can't even stand it sometimes. Just when my cynicism about the state of the open/poly/non-monogamous male population reaches a peak, along comes a total sweetheart like Joe. It's been several months ago that we met on OKC and I honestly can't even remember what our first conversation was like but I think I'm the one who messaged him first. Maybe. Even that's foggy. He just seems to have always been around. 

I do remember our first meeting however. Lunch at a local bar. I walked in and there he was, in all his blue-eyed, bearded glory. Sometimes you just get a good feeling about someone and I liked Joe immediately. I do remember that rush of nervous awkwardness within the first few minutes of introductions and initial conversation*. Then food arrived and maybe a beer but I don't remember. We talked about our jobs, relationships, our open/poly marriages and how different experiencing that and being that in the South versus "out West" can be. 

There's always this pause after a meal or a drink when you wonder if the connection is mutual, what happens next, etc. All these thoughts happen in a matter of seconds. In this case the next step was an obvious "I'd like to see you again, how about a walk right now?" And so we did. We walked around a nearby park, peeked through a fence at a guitar shaped pool (it was on Music Row, after all), and then got snuggly on a park bench for the next half hour. After it was obvious that we both wanted this to go further, Joe was openly affectionate. As my tweet says, he is a hand-holding, back-rubbing, arm-around-your-shoulders, hand-on-the-small-of-your-back, kissing kind of guy. That kind of physicality in public is not really Mr. Man's style, so I welcomed the refreshing intimacy of it. 

Since that first meeting many months ago, we've seen each other semi-regularly but not nearly as much as either of us would like. There have been several hot and heavy make-out sessions in the car, blowjobs, sexting, sweet dinner and lunch dates, and I even played groupie and went to one of his shows. Due to logistical circumstances, we didn't have sex for what seemed like forever. It was glorious torture. Finally schedules and stars aligned and we got a hotel room for a night. Whew. There's nothing like sex for the first time with a new person. Does that sounds slutty? Fuck it. I own my sexuality and I love it. 

He spent the winter months in a state far away but we texted throughout. I'm happy to report that we reconnected when he got back and have since enjoyed each others company several times. Ahem. He's good. Very good. He takes his time and knows what he's doing. For the record, vaginal massage is a thing....that he knows how to do.

So that's Joe. Here's to nice guys with beards who enjoy sex as much as I do.

*Meeting someone new for the first time in this capacity is scary, and a rush. It just is. I'm holding that thought for another post about the psychology of that event.

when sex turns serious

I went to Cash's house a few nights ago. He had to work a bit but I hung out and met a sweet friend of his and watched him do his thing. Sexy in and of itself. Then he built a fire in the fireplace and the three of us hung out in the coziness and drank, talked, and Cash played the guitar and sang. Swoon. He finally went to grab a shower and I hung out with the friend and chatted for a while. It was lovely.

Finally, friend left and Cash and I adjourned upstairs to the bedroom.

You know what? This post isn't about the sex that was most certainly had. This really isn't a sexy post at all and it's very badly written if I'm honest. My apologies for that.

Things turned serious and we talked. Or rather, I let him talk. All I could do was be there for him while he let some very emotional things out. I felt helpless and heart broken. But glad that he feels comfortable enough with me to say those things and express those feelings. I do fear that he'll shut me out at some point and I do not want that at all. Life can be so shitty sometimes.

In lighter news, Cash's bff hit on me on OKC the other day without knowing who I was and that I know Cash and have a thing.  I let him go on for a bit before I informed him that I knew who he was and that I occasionally fuck his bestie. It was pretty funny. He was a good sport and we actually text a bit now and did the whole Facebook friend thing. He's a cool dude.

That is all.
xoxo,
Bella

Why not both?

who says i'm not spontaneous?

Thursday, 4:00 PM

Me: You wouldn't happen to be home like, right this second would you?
Aaron: Yes, why?
Me: As in, you could fuck the shit out of me before I go home?
Aaron: Yes. Come over.
Me: On my way. Fucking traffic.
Aaron: Get that pussy ready for me.
Me: Bra off, pussy soaked. Fucking traffic.
Aaron: Come in.

And I did. I burst through the familiar back door, threw my keys on the counter and made a dash to his bedroom. He was waiting and ready. And by that I mean, laying in bed naked with a condom already on.

I attacked.

It was frantic and fast and frenzied. Just want I needed that afternoon. Lucky for me, Aaron was not offended at being used in my time of, ahem, need. What a good sport, that one. 

beer and bread

See what happens when I like you? I deliver beer, bread, and fucks right to your front door.

Last Saturday night was spent at Cash's. He's not well but is hanging in there and I was glad to get to hang out, talk, cuddle, nap, and fuck. We fit a lot of activities into a few short hours.

He has this dog y'all. A pervy little pimp of a dog that likes to get as close to my naked naughty bits as possible. It's probably because I'm in his bed with his human and he's like "get the hell out bitch", but really...this tiny dog is all up in our business so bad that I have to laugh but also have to be really careful not to crush the little shit. It is kind of cute afterwards though when we are all three cuddled up like one weird perverted family. Ha. Anyway, how did I get on that tangent? Whatever.

It was a fun night and I wasn't too tired the next day. Totally worth it. In my mind I keep seeing Cash's face when he was on top of me. I'm not sure why that image keeps popping up in my brain. It's not unpleasant at all, it's rather hot actually, but also strange. I'm a weirdo.

And now to get wet and soapy in the shower because I'm going out for sushi with Mr. Man on a mini-date-night!

xoxo,
Bella

happenin's

Hi all. I'm sitting in my kitchen knowing I should be asleep because tomorrow is another work day after all. But sleep is eluding me and my brain is busy, so here I am. 

A few things...

Cash is sick. Frighteningly sick. I'm hoping it's not as bad as he says the doctors say, or as bad as I suspect, but one can never tell about such things. I went to see him a couple of months ago and we had a sexy time as always, but his news definitely overshadowed things. We said "I love you's" more than usual and it was just sweet...bittersweet. I check in on him every week in what I'm sure is an annoying and overly-motherly way. I try to pass it off as flirty/sexy but am not always successful I'm sure. We've grown to be good friends (with benefits, yes, but plain ol' friends as well) and I care about him a whole big bunch. Worry worry.

I had lunch with Aaron today. We hadn't seen each other in a few months (he says six, I say one), and it is always the very best thing to hang with him, naked or not. The conversation was sexy and the company lovely. The feel I copped through his jeans on the ride back, and the kiss he stole before dropping me off? Fabulous. He's good people, that one.

"Met" someone interesting this past week, although so far it's only been via messaging and texts. Another musician. What is my deal with musicians? I am tone deaf and play no instruments, don't go to concerts or live music events very much and yet... I think it's the creativity aspect that attracts me. And in my opinion, all men substantially elevate their hotness level with a guitar strapped around their neck. Although that doesn't explain why a disproportionate number of men who approach me are musicians. But I digress. This man is interesting to talk to, funny, and attractive, but he hasn't seen my face yet. The conversation was progressing and he still hadn't asked to see my face, which I thought was odd because that's usually the first thing that comes up. When it finally did, he said the thought of meeting me in person, yet having never seen my face before the encounter, was really appealing to him. And when I stop and think about it, I kind of get that. As much as I'd like to think that my sarcastic wit and cynical humor are the reasons for holding his interest, I'm pretty sure he's just into the element of surprise. We plan to meet for coffee after I get back from vacation. Which brings me to....

Mr. Man and I are going on a week long vacation with another couple. I know both of them in the biblical sense and love them dearly. Mr. Man and I are meeting them in a state far away from our respective homes and we will explore the city for a few days and then they will fly home with us to stay at our abode for a few more days before heading back to their home. No pressure and no expectations, but play time is on the table. It will be a fun trip regardless and I'm really looking forward to just hanging out.

And now, bed.

xoxo,
Bella

interesting reading

I'm on board with this. Obviously.

what makes this good

Engaging in flirty banter knowing that if a connection is there, the repartee could progress to the fluttering of my lashes at him over coffee, perhaps the subtle touch of his hand to my knee under the table, or his palm pressed firmly on the small of my back, a first kiss to explore new lips that quickly turns from tentative to frenzied with the promise of more thorough tasting the next time...that autonomy is magic.

what just happened?

I passed on going to Cash's tonight for reasons that are legit, but sound lame now and make me feel really old. Here's a list.

• I would have had to get out of a cozy warm bed and change from comfy leggings and an ill-fitting tank into something sufficiently alluring
• He lives 45 minutes away and I'd already driven 100+ miles today
• I knew I'd be there all damn night and would be miserably tired tomorrow because I have a child who doesn't care (and shouldn't) about mom's booty calls. In other words, sleeping in for the amount of recovery time I'd need is not an option.
• The prep was overwhelming and would've taken over an hour...shower, shave legs/armpits/naughty bits, fix hair, do makeup, get dressed
• Prep time, one hour +. Drive time, approx. 2 hours round trip. That equals 3 hours of lameness for about 5 hours of sex and conversation. I suppose that's not bad but I wasn't feeling those odds tonight.

I told him I might could come over tomorrow afternoon, but I have work on Monday and couldn't stay past a reasonable hour.

I would like to turn in my responsible adult card immediately.

interlude over

I hope your holidays were lovely and sexy and at least a little bit naughty. A couple months break from this space has been good, but now I feel like writing again.

Real life is busy and the sexy life hasn't been quite as much of a priority lately, although I did have a great night with Ethan a few weeks ago that left me sore and sated for a bit. More on that another time though.

I'm bracing for post December/New Years because that's when I get a whole lotta antsy and the restlessness hits peak levels. I plan to fill the coming months with friends and fun, healthy things. January will see me taking a new yoga class, enjoying some burlesque and ramping up my running.

I'm excited to seek out fresh outlets, sexual and otherwise. We're gonna look at it as a chance for new adventures and not something to simply "get through".

For now, here's a leg selfie.

dreams and regrets

Just woke up from a dream about the ex. That's twice this week. I''m guessing its because I'm going to one of "our" places on Friday night for a party and that's fucking with my brain.

Random side note: I hate the term "the ex" for him because it sounds so crass and empty.

Sometimes late at night my brain refuses to shut off and let me sleep and I just lie here and think. Tonight its him and that whole situation. Its been months now and I won't lie and say that the passing of time hasn't made things easier, because thankfully it has. But I still have regrets, for sure.

I regret how it all ended and all the bitterness and anger that mostly I caused. I made many mistakes and I can own them. I regret keeping secrets and the hurtful emails that blew it all up. I am truly sorry for all of that and if I could do it over I certainly would, and handle it entirely differently. But going back is impossible so you make peace with the present the best you can.

I regret that I ruined a great thing for Mr. Man. He connected so well with her and was so happy in that relationship. I do hope they still talk and keep in touch, I wish they would actually. She was good for him. We talk about it sometimes but always in brief, painful mentions.

I miss my friend and I regret that it ended the way it did and now there's just.....nothing. And that can be ok because I realize that we all move on and sometimes wonderful things end for necessary reasons.

Doesn't mean I don't regret the reasons.

Now to go back to sleep and dream about unicorns or something.

xoxo,
Bella

hot nights and rum cake

He asked me to dress up, so I left my house in black lace hugging every curve and stockings pulled over silky smooth legs.

I got to his place at 10:30pm and he met me at my car and pulled me into a tight hug followed by frenzied deep kisses. His hands ran under my soft cotton dress to find the lace hidden underneath. Hands flew over bodies and clothes were removed and thrown onto the concrete patio. He drew me into the closest doorway which happened to be the guesthouse bedroom. He sat in a chair by the window and I knelt between his legs, he grabbed a handful of my hair and I gave him one of the many things he'd been waiting for since I told him I was coming over that night.

It had been a few weeks and we couldn't get to the fucking part fast enough. We moved to the bed and it was hot in every meaning of the word. Sexy hot and no air conditioning in the South hot. Sweaty, steamy, slick, primal-like fucking. I'd missed him and he me.

Our initial urges sated, we followed the trail of clothes back outside and got caught up on each others regular life happenings. The rest of the night followed a similar pattern of sexual activity, cuddling, conversation, and repeating. We also finally got around to that cliche over-the-bathroom-counter-hang-onto-the-faucet-and-look-into-the-mirror-fuck. And then there was rum cake. 

A night with Cash is like a mini-vacation for my brain and body. We have great fun together and I like him a lot on all the levels. Which means it will probably end soon and I should brace myself. Haha, I'm kidding. Sort of. #cynicalbella #rumcakeisyummy

Xoxo,
Bella

navigating connections

That first sentence especially speaks to me.

I've discovered over the past couple of years that I easily connect on an emotional level with different types of people. This is both a blessing and a curse I think. I have this wordy emo post in my mind about how past relationships have made me more cynical and have brought me to where I am today in the open marriage thing. Meaning, that I'm now trying to bring it back to being less about deep feelings and more about friendship and fun and no drama.

But then the Universe laughs and slaps you in the face and you again meet someone who deeply resonates with you. Someone you love spending time with and think about more than is probably good for you. It becomes as much about growing closer to that person and enjoying spending time just talking and hanging out as it does about the sex.
 
I'm seeing someone now like this and I do fear falling into that trap of feeling too much again and getting hurt. However, the situation is way different and the lessons learned in the past will serve me well, and I'm thankful for that. I do think that this could be great. A lifelong friendship that won't get kicked to the curb because of guilt or fear. He reminds me that I AM a good person. He brings out this nurturing, caring side of me that I really like, in tandem with the crazy, sexual, kinky side that I love about myself. I want to bake him casseroles (or at least throw a frozen pizza in the oven), while fucking his brains out.

I think the trick is to keep all things transparent and above board with frequent monitoring of the situation. Or is there a "trick"? Maybe its just life and we shouldn't over-think it so much. Or post about it on anonymous blogs. Heh.

xoxo,
Bella

the things I do for a couple of tomatoes

Spent the night with Cash. No sleeping occurred until I got home this morning. Luckily, I have the day off to recover. Staying up all night ain't as easy as it used to be.

He gave me some tomatoes from his garden this morning, thus prompting the following conversation with my PolitelyPerving bestie...Me: "He gave me tomatoes from his garden...Bella, hoeing herself for veggies"....PP: "Is that all it takes? I need to start taking tomatoes to the clubs. Just kidding. I don't go to clubs."...

Two things I love. A good pun ("hoeing", anyone?) and sexy friends to share them with. And tomatoes...my favorite vegetable.

xoxo,
Bella

Ethan, Part II

He opened the door to Room 119 of the same hotel as last time. He was naked and had a glass of whiskey and Sprite in hand, ready for me. I could tell that it was going to be a good night.

And it was.

He even let me handcuff and blindfold him and do as I pleased. That was new for me, as I'm the one usually being restrained. I'm not sure I'm good at being the Dominant one. Actually, pretty sure I'm not. I prefer to give control than take it. But far be it from me not to try new things. Life would be incredibly mundane if you didn't, right?

He fucks like you'd expect a 20-something to fuck. Long and hard and fast. But he cuddles the opposite, slow and sweet and adorable.

We played, cuddled, and talked for a few hours and then hugged and went our separate ways. Sexy, non complicated, and fun. Like this is supposed to be.

xoxo,
Bella
 

i like that word, "romping"

I had quite the lovely evening with a very sweet, sexy, and handsome younger man last night. I won't recount the details right now, but perhaps soon. I mentioned the blog to him but haven't given him the link yet. and I really would prefer that he feel comfortable with me writing about our activities.

Suffice it to say that drinks were consumed, conversation was had, and then a few hours of naked romping occurred.

And now, I am tired. Sweet dreams.

xoxo,
Bella

one of those posts where I can't think of a title

Sometimes beautiful things get lost in the complications and messiness of life, sex, and relationships.

I respect that people handle things in different ways based on personality, experience, and all manner of other circumstances. That does not mean that I always get it. I don't understand how you can simply throw away an awesome friendship. I get the reasoning based on a messy past but I disagree with the solution of "sorry, best wishes". In my opinion, both parties are missing out on the awesome that is the other person. An awesome they both know very well exists. Its a total unnecessary shortchanging. But whaddaya gonna do? Inconsistency has always been the name of the game in this situation and I should not have been surprised. Best wishes indeed.

I missed out on an opportunity to see Aaron this week due to a work obligation. But plans are to make up for that very soon I hope. Dave asked to see me the other day but I wasn't in the mood. I am now in the mood however. I'm also itching to see Cash again for some reason. We had very tentative plans a couple of weeks ago and those fell through. But damn. I'm wildly physically attracted to him and as I've learned, attraction is a mysterious thing. The whos and whys are sometimes unexplainable. Attraction just IS.

I'm having lunch tomorrow with my very sweet and very sexy friend and first play partner ever. I respect boundaries but goddamn I'd like to play with him again. I'll settle for his friendship though and that's really not settling at all because his friendship is more valuable to me than anything else. He's good people.

Kiss me here.

Hard times two. A wall against my back and a man against my front.

Morning texts...

Aaron: When?
Me: Yesterday you tease. Immediately. Right fucking now.
A: Where are you?
Me: In bed. Horny as fuck.
A: Me too.
Me: Have time today? I was about to masturbate but....
A: 11:30?
Me: Perfect. I'm going to attack you.
A: Straight here..no panties. I want you soaking wet.
Me: Yes.

I assaulted him upon entering. He pushed me up against the door and serious making out and groping ensued. I do so love a wall pressed against my back and a man pressed against my front. We made our way hurriedly to the bedroom and clothes quickly met the floor. I wanted to be fucked more than anything and he obliged. I don't even remember the order of events and it doesn't matter. He fucked me. I sucked him. He shot ropes of cum into my mouth. He tasted delicious as always. I cleaned his cock and chest (don't ask me how cum got on his chest, but it did) with my tongue. I brought out my toy while he finger fucked me and licked my pussy. His mouth and tongue felt so amazing between my legs. I asked him if I could scream. Finally I did and we collapsed onto sweaty sheets. Satisfying and exhausting.

A good day overall although I felt a little "off" this afternoon and I can't pinpoint the cause. Nothing major, just a bit unsettled or restless or something. I'm confident it will pass. It always does. Its just more annoying than anything. I'm thinking I should try meditation or yoga or something mind calming.

Or just more sex.

xoxo.
Bella