Joe

This town and it's hot musicians y'all. I can't even stand it sometimes. Just when my cynicism about the state of the open/poly/non-monogamous male population reaches a peak, along comes a total sweetheart like Joe. It's been several months ago that we met on OKC and I honestly can't even remember what our first conversation was like but I think I'm the one who messaged him first. Maybe. Even that's foggy. He just seems to have always been around. 

I do remember our first meeting however. Lunch at a local bar. I walked in and there he was, in all his blue-eyed, bearded glory. Sometimes you just get a good feeling about someone and I liked Joe immediately. I do remember that rush of nervous awkwardness within the first few minutes of introductions and initial conversation*. Then food arrived and maybe a beer but I don't remember. We talked about our jobs, relationships, our open/poly marriages and how different experiencing that and being that in the South versus "out West" can be. 

There's always this pause after a meal or a drink when you wonder if the connection is mutual, what happens next, etc. All these thoughts happen in a matter of seconds. In this case the next step was an obvious "I'd like to see you again, how about a walk right now?" And so we did. We walked around a nearby park, peeked through a fence at a guitar shaped pool (it was on Music Row, after all), and then got snuggly on a park bench for the next half hour. After it was obvious that we both wanted this to go further, Joe was openly affectionate. As my tweet says, he is a hand-holding, back-rubbing, arm-around-your-shoulders, hand-on-the-small-of-your-back, kissing kind of guy. That kind of physicality in public is not really Mr. Man's style, so I welcomed the refreshing intimacy of it. 

Since that first meeting many months ago, we've seen each other semi-regularly but not nearly as much as either of us would like. There have been several hot and heavy make-out sessions in the car, blowjobs, sexting, sweet dinner and lunch dates, and I even played groupie and went to one of his shows. Due to logistical circumstances, we didn't have sex for what seemed like forever. It was glorious torture. Finally schedules and stars aligned and we got a hotel room for a night. Whew. There's nothing like sex for the first time with a new person. Does that sounds slutty? Fuck it. I own my sexuality and I love it. 

He spent the winter months in a state far away but we texted throughout. I'm happy to report that we reconnected when he got back and have since enjoyed each others company several times. Ahem. He's good. Very good. He takes his time and knows what he's doing. For the record, vaginal massage is a thing....that he knows how to do.

So that's Joe. Here's to nice guys with beards who enjoy sex as much as I do.

*Meeting someone new for the first time in this capacity is scary, and a rush. It just is. I'm holding that thought for another post about the psychology of that event.

mourning

I am exhausted. I feel like I have been engaged in some epic psychological battle for months and it has taken its toll. Now, I feel like I've essentially been left to mourn this alone. Actually, not feel like, I have. How do I go from loving someone so fiercely to....nothing at all, emptiness, silence? Maybe the simple passage of time will help? Being angry? I don't know. For now its unpredictable. One minute I think I'm going to be fine, that I am strong and this is all for the best, and then I'll hear a song, smell a scent, see a landmark, and I am questioning everything and wiping tears again.

I know Mr. Man is stressed as I ponder what I need to be happy. He sees me struggling and I can only imagine the pain that causes him. I carry immense guilt about that. He does not deserve this angst I am forcing on him. He deserves someone stable and steady like he is, and that will never be me. Its not easy, loving me. Someone whose head, heart, and body long to be wild and free while she feels confined by "real life" responsibilities and daily routines. This has been the case with me for many years now, but this latest thing has brought it screaming to the forefront like never before, impossible to ignore. Planting itself unmoving right in front of my face, demanding to be dealt with. Its a disconnect that I wonder if I'll ever be able to link together in a sustainable and realistic way.

I also struggle with the question of the future when I know I should be focusing on the present. I know the challenges of going from a closed marriage to an open one. But what about the challenge of going from an open marriage back to a closed one? Can we do that successfully and be content with it? Is it a permanent arrangement? Can I be ok with not having the sub/Dom outlet in my life? What is ok now and what is not? Can we make it through this at all? Why am I such a worrier? Jesus fucking Christ Bella, could you over think things just a tiny bit more please?

I have lost weight and sleep over this. I'm trying not to lose myself.

xoxo,
Bella

poly folly and what's next

A few months can feel like an eternity and sex plus love can be madness.

Mr. Man and I dipped our toes into the poly waters and it has ended badly. I won't recount it here as its too complicated, personal, and I don't have the stomach for it. Suffice it to say that things have been rocky. People fell in love and acted out of character. Serious health issues came to the forefront. Trust was broken.

The situation was never ideal and continued to worsen as time went on and yet, no one opted out until things truly blew up and were unable to be patched back together. The good outweighed the bad until it just couldn't anymore.

I'm struggling with some serious wanderlust and questioning things that I always thought were certain. Mr. Man and I are putting the breaks on our open relationship. Permanently? I have my doubts, but that's not a question that I have to know the answer to right now. For the moment, we try to pick up the pieces and stumble along.

xoxo,
Bella