dreams and regrets

Just woke up from a dream about the ex. That's twice this week. I''m guessing its because I'm going to one of "our" places on Friday night for a party and that's fucking with my brain.

Random side note: I hate the term "the ex" for him because it sounds so crass and empty.

Sometimes late at night my brain refuses to shut off and let me sleep and I just lie here and think. Tonight its him and that whole situation. Its been months now and I won't lie and say that the passing of time hasn't made things easier, because thankfully it has. But I still have regrets, for sure.

I regret how it all ended and all the bitterness and anger that mostly I caused. I made many mistakes and I can own them. I regret keeping secrets and the hurtful emails that blew it all up. I am truly sorry for all of that and if I could do it over I certainly would, and handle it entirely differently. But going back is impossible so you make peace with the present the best you can.

I regret that I ruined a great thing for Mr. Man. He connected so well with her and was so happy in that relationship. I do hope they still talk and keep in touch, I wish they would actually. She was good for him. We talk about it sometimes but always in brief, painful mentions.

I miss my friend and I regret that it ended the way it did and now there's just.....nothing. And that can be ok because I realize that we all move on and sometimes wonderful things end for necessary reasons.

Doesn't mean I don't regret the reasons.

Now to go back to sleep and dream about unicorns or something.

xoxo,
Bella

real life turned dream

There are some experiences in my life that now seem as if they only happened in a dream. I can recall them if I want to, or not. Like a movie I can play over and over again in my mind and pause, fast forward, or rewind.

There are even a few people I was once fiercely close to who now seem to have only been characters in mental dreamscapes from a long time ago.

This doesn't sadden me. I rather like it really. I like thinking back and noting when this or that happened and realizing that at that particular point in my real-life-experience turned dream-movie, that thing was meant to be a lesson for me to remember and use in the future.

“Hold fast to dreams,
For if dreams die
Life is a broken-winged bird,
That cannot fly.”
― Langston Hughes