brain turbulence

Life can feel so out of control. And that's when I crave to BE controlled the most. I'm fortunate to have found a partner who has been able and willing to give me some amazing submissive experiences lately, but real life logistics and events have precluded a very consistent outlet for this and will continue to do so. In the grand scheme of things, it's not important I suppose. But it is a strong want, dare I say a sexual need for me.

As alluded to, things have been crazy lately. I just returned from a much needed escape to visit Frances. It was lovely, as time with her always is. We did fun sexy things, and fun touristy things. She is an excellent hostess and I would have stayed another week if it had been possible.

I know I still haven't written about Mr. Man and my foray into a poly-esque relationship with new friends and I'm not sure how to go about that really, as it's been a roller-coaster of emotions and events. It has been a huge part of our lives these past few months and a continuous learning experience for all of us. I'd like to sort it all out in my head to relay some of it here. Soon, I hope.

Sometimes I truly feel like I'm falling apart. Today depression and panic hit me like the proverbial ton of bricks and I felt like I was losing my way. Which is much easier to do when you aren't sure what your "way" even is. I feel like I'm floating between lives yet not fully grounded in any. I fight against the often overwhelming urge to flee. So far I haven't, obviously, but I wonder if one day I will just snap and take off for Buenos Aires or at least across town.

Hey Bella, stop being such a fucking downer.

xoxo,
Bella

Boston

The Boston trip was great! What an amazing and beautiful city. I truly loved it. I loved how history coincided with modern, how old buildings stood next to new ones. It had a different vibe than New York or Chicago...cleaner, more manageable, less intimidating. It was a lovely place in so many respects. Thanks to C-Man for showing me the sights in grand fashion, even if he must've made me walk 20 miles. My visit there was too short and I would have liked to have met up with some other bloggers as well but it wasn't meant to be this time.

I learned a few things about myself on this trip. Things I'm too tired to write about tonight. Things that bother me and scare me a bit but that I know I have to explore further. I have no hope of sorting them out or coming to any conclusions about them in the near future but I do think it would help me to be able to write about them in some sort of comprehensive way. And if I do, it will be here of course.

It's late and I have a workday ahead of me. Sweet dreams and sleep well.

xoxo,
Bella