Wednesday, June 12, 2013

brain turbulence

Life can feel so out of control. And that's when I crave to BE controlled the most. I'm fortunate to have found a partner who has been able and willing to give me some amazing submissive experiences lately, but real life logistics and events have precluded a very consistent outlet for this and will continue to do so. In the grand scheme of things, it's not important I suppose. But it is a strong want, dare I say a sexual need for me.

As alluded to, things have been crazy lately. I just returned from a much needed escape to visit Frances. It was lovely, as time with her always is. We did fun sexy things, and fun touristy things. She is an excellent hostess and I would have stayed another week if it had been possible.

I know I still haven't written about Mr. Man and my foray into a poly-esque relationship with new friends and I'm not sure how to go about that really, as it's been a roller-coaster of emotions and events. It has been a huge part of our lives these past few months and a continuous learning experience for all of us. I'd like to sort it all out in my head to relay some of it here. Soon, I hope.

Sometimes I truly feel like I'm falling apart. Today depression and panic hit me like the proverbial ton of bricks and I felt like I was losing my way. Which is much easier to do when you aren't sure what your "way" even is. I feel like I'm floating between lives yet not fully grounded in any. I fight against the often overwhelming urge to flee. So far I haven't, obviously, but I wonder if one day I will just snap and take off for Buenos Aires or at least across town.

Hey Bella, stop being such a fucking downer.



  1. Hey Bella! You are so lucky to have the life that you have and the opportunities that you have! Two stable jobs to run the household, only one child, an open-minded and loving husband, chances to meet people and have outside relationships to fulfill what he can't give you. And you just came back from what sounds like another very lovely experience. I'm in wonder at how there can be anything missing in this picture.

    1. Hi stranger! You are correct of course, I am fortunate. I think what is missing however is a sense of "inner peace", contentment, pure happiness... something. I'm always searching for it. Desperate to find it. Resentful that I don't just simply feel it because I DO have a great life, on the surface at least. Depression plays a heavy role in my discontent. People who seemingly have everything are not without inner demons, nor is the entire story told on a blog. I value your POV very much. I think we'd have lengthy and deep meaningful conversations should we ever meet in person.