not this. that.

When he's being all sappy, sweet, tender, and loving but you want abrasive, aggressive, rough, and possessive.

When he's "I miss you, let's make love and then cuddle" and you want "come here you little slut, get on your knees and suck my throbbing cock."

When he wants to give you soft kisses, caresses, and deep longing looks and you want ass-reddening spanks, rope digging into your wrists, and hair pulling.

Yes. Its time for that again.

missing

Some reading of erotica, some interracial porn, some remembering past encounters...one masturbation method for each of the three orgasms I had tonight.

And just as I typed that I got an OkC message from a 22 year old kid asking if I'm looking for a sub. Not tonight kid, I'm in the mood to be Dominated instead. I miss that so fucking much.

The box in my closet just sits there, collecting dust and waiting...collar, leash, flogger, cuffs, spreader bar, blindfolds, binding equipment, etc...all the things needed to put me into that mental space where I can float away in a fog of pleasurable pain and submission. All the things except for the big strong man to use them.

You know that look I get. The pleading eyes, the tears that come when you've slapped my face just hard enough to give me that twinge of fear in my gut that stirs me like nothing else. The breathless "yes Sir", running mascara, and fire red hand-printed ass. Pussy dripping juices down my thighs and I will do anything to please you, anything to taste you, feel you inside me. I ache for the firm grip of hands holding wrists, gripping my throat, pulling my hair, cupping the back of my head as you invade my mouth with tongue or fuck my face until I gag. A powerful man who I trust on top of me, holding me down and spreading my legs.

Most times I can push these desires to the back of my head and distract myself with regular life things, or at least with yummy, albeit vanilla sex. But when that need to be Dominated pushes it's way to the forefront of my thoughts, I can hardly stand it. No outlet except my fantasies. Its almost suffocating.

If I ever find that again, I won't let it go.

xoxo,
Bella

true story....also, hello again

The letter was waiting for me at the front desk. 

Bella,
Go directly to Room 105. Lay out all your toys, strip down, put on your thigh highs, your collar, put the spreader bar cuffs on your wrists and the purple cuffs on your ankles. Wait on the bed face down, looking away from the door.
Love,
Sir

Being the good girl that I am, I followed the orders explicitly. I waited for what seemed like a very long time but was probably only a few minutes. He entered the room. I didn't look at him.

What follows is fuzzy in my brain as I try to recall it a few months later. He blindfolded me, moved my body into a spreadeagled position on my back, and bound each wrist and ankle to anchor points on the the bed with rope. There was vicious fucking. He slapped my face, spanked my ass and tits, choked me, bent me to his will...all the things I crave.

Of course the session is never complete without the recovery period afterwards. Which is lovely and gentle and personal and sweet. Such a fine balance of aggression and subsequent care taking.

All of these feelings are things that I refuse to be without in my life, now that I've tasted them. I realize that patience is required to find the right person at the right time with the right set of qualities to embark on this sort of thing again. But I've got nothing but time y'all.

I have fallen to my knees unable to rise, what kind of trap is this? What kind of chains has tied my hands and feet? It is so strange, so wonderful this helplessness of mine

-- Rumi

  

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Bella's back bitches! Its been a while huh? Coming back to the blog now feels right. All the gory details aren't needed on what happened in my absence. Suffice it to say that Mr. Man and I put the breaks on the open marriage and took time to regroup. After much discussion, we decided that being open is something that we both want...and daresay, that I NEED in order to have some sort of outlet for at least a portion of my wanderlust and all that shit. Luckily, its not something I have to twist an arm to get since Mr. Man wants it too. So that works in my favor.

We have tentatively dipped our toes back into the scene and have connected with a local couple. Nothing more than texts, a lunch date between me and the wife, and dinner and drinks involving all four of us have occurred so far. But we like them and they us (I think). No one is rushing anything and as usual, much advance planning has to happen for anything sexy to go down. They have kids too and a real life outside of these extracurricular activities. They are a bit more "tame" than we are so that could be interesting. They only play together in the same room whereas Mr. Man and I are kind of like "hey, go do your thing, have fun and tell me about it later!"

All this to say, I'm not sure anything will happen with them and that's totally ok if it doesn't. Just knowing that the option and outlet is there for future play is enough for me, for now.

Damn, its good to be back.

xoxo,
Bella

burgers and sex: an analogy

I have things to say but it's late and I can't articulate them like I want to right now. They have to do with wanting to be tied up, made to submit, to be a sub to the right Dom. And being afraid to think too much about those things because there is a real possibility that I won't find that again. Mr. Man is willing but it doesn't work for me with him. I need that to be separate from my "real" life. It's tricky for me.

Let's be completely honest, if I never get the chance to play like that again, it won't be the end of the world. Its a sexual "extra" that I will be able to manage without. Like a hamburger without pickles. Good enough to eat, but not my ideal burger.

Damn I'm weird(er) when I'm tired.

serious and sexy things

In spite of my last post about balance, there have been some sexy things going on as well.

Mr. Man and I have had some hot sex in the past couple of weeks (even a session in an empty house with no worries about waking kiddo and the fact that I could be as loud as I wanted to was very freeing. I may have scared the dog however.) Mr. Man knows just how to touch me and is a patient, sexy man. Also, Best.Backrubs.Ever.

I know I've said this before but life is hard, married life is harder and married life with kid(s) is even more so. Work, child rearing, bill paying, laundry folding, and all of those everyday routine things can get in the way of romance and couple time. I want to do much better with not taking Mr. Man for granted or overlooking things that he does for our family. Our marriage and family unit is the most important thing and I want it to remain as strong as possible. If that means that at some point we need to halt this "arrangement" that we have, I will not hesitate to do so. I love him so much and sometimes I wonder if we are doing more harm than good with some of the decisions that we've made and are making. I want to feel closer to him, not more distant. That's been on my mind a lot lately.

That said, I was lucky enough to have some brief, but very steamy playtime with C-man and M yesterday. M was witness for the first time to the dramatic show that I call "Bella's Orgasm Via Vibrator". Poor thing, I hope I didn't scar her for life. She and I also got a bit of girl time in, which was quite lovely even though I'm still not really sure what I'm doing in that regard. But I definitely enjoy being a student of how to please a woman. Wink wink. It was also confirmed that I still immensely enjoy being the sub to C-man's Dom. There are so many places and levels consensual parties can take that scene...its an intense thing.

Speaking of Domination, the new spreader bar and ankle cuffs I recently purchased didn't see any action but I'm hoping to lure Mr. Man into Bella's Dungeon O' Love very soon to try them out with me. I think the pink spreader bar and complementary pink cuffs will look pretty damn hot with my black waist cincher/corset. It looks good in my head anyway.

Ok sexy people, my eyes are crossing from tiredness and sleepy-time is beckoning. Sweet dreams.

xoxo,
Bella

my submissive self

The collar was black leather with silver studs, three D rings and a soft red fabric lining. He had given me the collar at our last meeting, unused but waiting for him to return and confine me within its circle. It felt wildly erotic, the weight of submission around my slender neck.

He brought out the matching leash. Long black leather snaking around his strong arm, the silver clasp making a sexy clinking sound as he fastened leash to collar, sub to Dom.

I could feel myself beginning to slip into the edges of that place I had only briefly tasted once before. I wanted this. I had always wanted this. I just didn't know how much.

submissive mood. handcuff series