Part I

I walked down the hallway and nervously adjusted the short dress He'd instructed me to wear. It was His favorite, all black and low cut; its slinky texture clung to my breasts and ass like thin wet fabric. The sound of my strappy red stilettos was muffled against the ugly abstract patterns on the hotel carpet. The five inch heels accented my calves and elongated my already long legs in a way only uncomfortable but drop dead sexy footwear can. I caught a glimpse of myself in the reflection of one of the tacky Kinkade-esque prints hanging on the wall. He had told me how to fix my hair, how He wanted my makeup done, even what color polish to put on my nails and toes. Thankfully, my nervousness was hidden behind a painstakingly coiffed, submissive sex kitten visage.

I stopped in front of Room 454 and paused with my hand on the door for a few seconds trying to steady my breath and calm my heartbeat. The door was unlocked, as I had been told it would be. The metal handle turned slowly and I slipped inside the dark room and fumbled to close the security deadbolt. I was enveloped in silence and utter blackness. It had been a long time since I'd done this and I had managed to quell the ache until I just couldn't any longer. I wanted this.

With no warning my body was slammed into the door and my wrists were pinned above me. I cried out with surprise at the violent and sudden assault. My left cheek flattened against the hard surface, breasts, belly, hips and thighs pressed into submission on the cold metal door. I could feel His breath on my hair and the hardness of Him pushing into my bottom. He didn't say anything, just held me there and breathed heavy panting breaths that matched my own. I wanted to struggle but I was paralyzed with a combination of fear of this Man who was clearly in control of my entire body and the sexual furor that was happening in my mind. 

Finally the pressure on the length of my body lessened a bit as He gathered both of my wrists into one of His large hands and roughly groped me with the other. I had been ordered not to wear a bra or panties and He seemed to be checking for compliance. He gripped and squeezed my breasts through my dress like a savage, twisting my nipples causing quick bursts of pain. He tugged my hem up over my ass and forcibly parted my legs with His knee. He squeezed my ass cheeks hard as if testing for ripeness and then moved elsewhere. His fingers were brutal in their exploration of my pussy. He spread wide my slick lips and inserted a finger, then two, three, and finally four. I could only hope He was sufficiently pleased with the wetness He found there.

not this. that.

When he's being all sappy, sweet, tender, and loving but you want abrasive, aggressive, rough, and possessive.

When he's "I miss you, let's make love and then cuddle" and you want "come here you little slut, get on your knees and suck my throbbing cock."

When he wants to give you soft kisses, caresses, and deep longing looks and you want ass-reddening spanks, rope digging into your wrists, and hair pulling.

Yes. Its time for that again.

collared

mine's "Nebraska"

I think the "Keep Calm and do whatever" thing is way over done, but I actually like this one.

true story....also, hello again

The letter was waiting for me at the front desk. 

Bella,
Go directly to Room 105. Lay out all your toys, strip down, put on your thigh highs, your collar, put the spreader bar cuffs on your wrists and the purple cuffs on your ankles. Wait on the bed face down, looking away from the door.
Love,
Sir

Being the good girl that I am, I followed the orders explicitly. I waited for what seemed like a very long time but was probably only a few minutes. He entered the room. I didn't look at him.

What follows is fuzzy in my brain as I try to recall it a few months later. He blindfolded me, moved my body into a spreadeagled position on my back, and bound each wrist and ankle to anchor points on the the bed with rope. There was vicious fucking. He slapped my face, spanked my ass and tits, choked me, bent me to his will...all the things I crave.

Of course the session is never complete without the recovery period afterwards. Which is lovely and gentle and personal and sweet. Such a fine balance of aggression and subsequent care taking.

All of these feelings are things that I refuse to be without in my life, now that I've tasted them. I realize that patience is required to find the right person at the right time with the right set of qualities to embark on this sort of thing again. But I've got nothing but time y'all.

I have fallen to my knees unable to rise, what kind of trap is this? What kind of chains has tied my hands and feet? It is so strange, so wonderful this helplessness of mine

-- Rumi

  

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Bella's back bitches! Its been a while huh? Coming back to the blog now feels right. All the gory details aren't needed on what happened in my absence. Suffice it to say that Mr. Man and I put the breaks on the open marriage and took time to regroup. After much discussion, we decided that being open is something that we both want...and daresay, that I NEED in order to have some sort of outlet for at least a portion of my wanderlust and all that shit. Luckily, its not something I have to twist an arm to get since Mr. Man wants it too. So that works in my favor.

We have tentatively dipped our toes back into the scene and have connected with a local couple. Nothing more than texts, a lunch date between me and the wife, and dinner and drinks involving all four of us have occurred so far. But we like them and they us (I think). No one is rushing anything and as usual, much advance planning has to happen for anything sexy to go down. They have kids too and a real life outside of these extracurricular activities. They are a bit more "tame" than we are so that could be interesting. They only play together in the same room whereas Mr. Man and I are kind of like "hey, go do your thing, have fun and tell me about it later!"

All this to say, I'm not sure anything will happen with them and that's totally ok if it doesn't. Just knowing that the option and outlet is there for future play is enough for me, for now.

Damn, its good to be back.

xoxo,
Bella

brain turbulence

Life can feel so out of control. And that's when I crave to BE controlled the most. I'm fortunate to have found a partner who has been able and willing to give me some amazing submissive experiences lately, but real life logistics and events have precluded a very consistent outlet for this and will continue to do so. In the grand scheme of things, it's not important I suppose. But it is a strong want, dare I say a sexual need for me.

As alluded to, things have been crazy lately. I just returned from a much needed escape to visit Frances. It was lovely, as time with her always is. We did fun sexy things, and fun touristy things. She is an excellent hostess and I would have stayed another week if it had been possible.

I know I still haven't written about Mr. Man and my foray into a poly-esque relationship with new friends and I'm not sure how to go about that really, as it's been a roller-coaster of emotions and events. It has been a huge part of our lives these past few months and a continuous learning experience for all of us. I'd like to sort it all out in my head to relay some of it here. Soon, I hope.

Sometimes I truly feel like I'm falling apart. Today depression and panic hit me like the proverbial ton of bricks and I felt like I was losing my way. Which is much easier to do when you aren't sure what your "way" even is. I feel like I'm floating between lives yet not fully grounded in any. I fight against the often overwhelming urge to flee. So far I haven't, obviously, but I wonder if one day I will just snap and take off for Buenos Aires or at least across town.

Hey Bella, stop being such a fucking downer.

xoxo,
Bella

I crave this

Intensely. The craving increases with every experience I have in this realm, no matter to what degree. It entices me, draws me deeper into myself. I cannot properly explain it. It makes me lose my breath, become dizzy, frantic, panicked even. It is a part of me that I did not realize existed until a few years ago and has only magnified itself until I cannot, will not, live my life without it.

“I do not want to be the leader. I refuse to be the leader. I want to live darkly and richly in my femaleness. I want a man lying over me, always over me. His will, his pleasure, his desire, his life, his work, his sexuality the touchstone, the command, my pivot. I don’t mind working, holding my ground intellectually, artistically; but as a woman, oh, God, as a woman I want to be dominated. I don’t mind being told to stand on my own feet, not to cling, be all that I am capable of doing, but I am going to be pursued, fucked, possessed by the will of a male at his time, his bidding.”
― Anaïs Nin

burgers and sex: an analogy

I have things to say but it's late and I can't articulate them like I want to right now. They have to do with wanting to be tied up, made to submit, to be a sub to the right Dom. And being afraid to think too much about those things because there is a real possibility that I won't find that again. Mr. Man is willing but it doesn't work for me with him. I need that to be separate from my "real" life. It's tricky for me.

Let's be completely honest, if I never get the chance to play like that again, it won't be the end of the world. Its a sexual "extra" that I will be able to manage without. Like a hamburger without pickles. Good enough to eat, but not my ideal burger.

Damn I'm weird(er) when I'm tired.

There's no crying in baseball!!!

But there is crying in a sub/Dom relationship apparently. As you know if you have read C-Man's account of our time in Boston. I have struggled with how or even if to write about this and I'm not sure I will be successful even now after it's been several weeks.

The conflict I had with playtime in Boston was this...I went there on a very close family member's dime...a family member who would be crushed, heartbroken, shocked, sickened, saddened and all other manner of bad things if they knew about my life as Bella. There would be time with this family member to bond and explore the city and we were both looking forward to it very much. And yet, C-Man lived within driving distance and knows the city and it was a perfect opportunity to see him as well. An opportunity that seemed a shame to let go to waste. So I was at war with myself on how to have these two lives cross in such close proximity to each other. I would have to be Bella during part of my time in Boston and then quickly switch to the girl this family member knows and loves so very much, the good girl. I wasn't sure I could handle the mental conflict and the closer the trip came, the more difficult I found the thought of that to be. As C-Man said, I made the decision not to play a few days before. I realize it wasn't fair to waffle on C-Man like that but this conflict I was having...it was real and new, and a very big issue for me.

The points C-Man makes in his post about Jake are valid ones. But not ones that I will address in this post. That is a whole other topic and had no bearing on my inner struggle or the fact that I became a teary hot mess during playtime. I fully intended to stand strong and not even kiss, much less fuck C-Man. These intentions were in place right up to the point when he was in my room. But then he was right there. Close to me. Touching me. And dammit, I am weak.

A switch was most definitely thrown inside me as well and I changed to full-on Bella mode, his plaything, putty in his hands so to speak, meant to be controlled and most willing to comply. There is a place in my mind that craves to be dominated, used in some way, controlled by someone I trust not to harm me or go too far. The more C-Man and I delve into this somewhat new and scary realm, the deeper the emotional ramifications. And thus my tears. The tears were suddenly rolling down my face, smearing my mascara and surprising both of us.

Many things were going through my mind that probably contributed to this emotional release. I was mad at myself for doing what I was doing when I had told myself that I most certainly wouldn't. I was a bit angry that he was angry that I hadn't wanted to and yet here he was, "forcing" his cock into my mouth. But I DID want to. And that made me angry and confused as well. I wanted to let go of the stuff going on in my head and just release it all, lose myself in the role of the sub and let the chips (and tears) fall.

The end result was a new level of feeling, a new level of conflict even. Said family member actually met C-Man and loved him, as is our blogger friend's general effect on people. The chasm between my two lives widened and I feel the strain of maintaining these opposite sides of myself a bit more than before. I feel like there must be some sort of breaking point eventually and that scares me. I don't know how to reconcile this Jekyl and Hyde thing I've got going on. No clue. Honestly, the real me is closer to Bella than the Good Girl, but Bella would break too many of my loved ones hearts. And so I persist in the Good Girl role for them and in the Bella role for you and myself.

xoxo,
Bella

again please

I want to do this again. And this. Just rereading those posts make me squirm with anticipation and desire.

Neither of us are new to the feelings of wanting to control and wanting to BE controlled, but we are new to acting those feelings out. I was surprised at what that session did to awaken things inside me that I had an inkling existed but was never quite sure. Now I know that they definitely are there and I want to explore them more, to go deeper, further, harder.

I think.

Its certainly not a question of trust. I have found the perfect partner to explore these things with and I wouldn't even dream of going there with someone I didn't trust completely. Its a question of what other feelings might arise (so to speak). What could happen the further we go? How far CAN we go? What are the limits? Those questions both scare and exhilirate me.

So while I know there is for sure "something" there, I'm not quite sure what that "something" is. Its not tangible and is very difficult for me to even put into words what happened in my head while C-Man was owning me. There was nothing else outside of that leash and collar, that room, that bed, those hands, that cock, that voice, those commands, those slaps... It was just me and my head being led into a mental place I'd never delved that far into before. It was a letting go and just simply....being. It was a floating on some sort of erotic and psychological release.

I loved letting it all go and C-Man having his way, totally and completely. But I also loved fighting back, the struggle, the playing at resisting when what I really wanted was for him to overpower my resistance and deem it futile. That made something click inside me. The struggle, me losing, and then a rush of passion. As in, I wanted to fucking bite him. What the hell is that all about?

I suppose this may sound naive to anyone who is more experienced in such things but for me, its new and intriguing and depending on my mood, I want it more than anything, or I don't want it at all. Its confusing to me and makes perfect sense.

And in three weeks, C-Man is coming back to do it again.

xoxo,
Bella