true story....also, hello again

The letter was waiting for me at the front desk. 

Bella,
Go directly to Room 105. Lay out all your toys, strip down, put on your thigh highs, your collar, put the spreader bar cuffs on your wrists and the purple cuffs on your ankles. Wait on the bed face down, looking away from the door.
Love,
Sir

Being the good girl that I am, I followed the orders explicitly. I waited for what seemed like a very long time but was probably only a few minutes. He entered the room. I didn't look at him.

What follows is fuzzy in my brain as I try to recall it a few months later. He blindfolded me, moved my body into a spreadeagled position on my back, and bound each wrist and ankle to anchor points on the the bed with rope. There was vicious fucking. He slapped my face, spanked my ass and tits, choked me, bent me to his will...all the things I crave.

Of course the session is never complete without the recovery period afterwards. Which is lovely and gentle and personal and sweet. Such a fine balance of aggression and subsequent care taking.

All of these feelings are things that I refuse to be without in my life, now that I've tasted them. I realize that patience is required to find the right person at the right time with the right set of qualities to embark on this sort of thing again. But I've got nothing but time y'all.

I have fallen to my knees unable to rise, what kind of trap is this? What kind of chains has tied my hands and feet? It is so strange, so wonderful this helplessness of mine

-- Rumi

  

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Bella's back bitches! Its been a while huh? Coming back to the blog now feels right. All the gory details aren't needed on what happened in my absence. Suffice it to say that Mr. Man and I put the breaks on the open marriage and took time to regroup. After much discussion, we decided that being open is something that we both want...and daresay, that I NEED in order to have some sort of outlet for at least a portion of my wanderlust and all that shit. Luckily, its not something I have to twist an arm to get since Mr. Man wants it too. So that works in my favor.

We have tentatively dipped our toes back into the scene and have connected with a local couple. Nothing more than texts, a lunch date between me and the wife, and dinner and drinks involving all four of us have occurred so far. But we like them and they us (I think). No one is rushing anything and as usual, much advance planning has to happen for anything sexy to go down. They have kids too and a real life outside of these extracurricular activities. They are a bit more "tame" than we are so that could be interesting. They only play together in the same room whereas Mr. Man and I are kind of like "hey, go do your thing, have fun and tell me about it later!"

All this to say, I'm not sure anything will happen with them and that's totally ok if it doesn't. Just knowing that the option and outlet is there for future play is enough for me, for now.

Damn, its good to be back.

xoxo,
Bella

brain turbulence

Life can feel so out of control. And that's when I crave to BE controlled the most. I'm fortunate to have found a partner who has been able and willing to give me some amazing submissive experiences lately, but real life logistics and events have precluded a very consistent outlet for this and will continue to do so. In the grand scheme of things, it's not important I suppose. But it is a strong want, dare I say a sexual need for me.

As alluded to, things have been crazy lately. I just returned from a much needed escape to visit Frances. It was lovely, as time with her always is. We did fun sexy things, and fun touristy things. She is an excellent hostess and I would have stayed another week if it had been possible.

I know I still haven't written about Mr. Man and my foray into a poly-esque relationship with new friends and I'm not sure how to go about that really, as it's been a roller-coaster of emotions and events. It has been a huge part of our lives these past few months and a continuous learning experience for all of us. I'd like to sort it all out in my head to relay some of it here. Soon, I hope.

Sometimes I truly feel like I'm falling apart. Today depression and panic hit me like the proverbial ton of bricks and I felt like I was losing my way. Which is much easier to do when you aren't sure what your "way" even is. I feel like I'm floating between lives yet not fully grounded in any. I fight against the often overwhelming urge to flee. So far I haven't, obviously, but I wonder if one day I will just snap and take off for Buenos Aires or at least across town.

Hey Bella, stop being such a fucking downer.

xoxo,
Bella

again please

I want to do this again. And this. Just rereading those posts make me squirm with anticipation and desire.

Neither of us are new to the feelings of wanting to control and wanting to BE controlled, but we are new to acting those feelings out. I was surprised at what that session did to awaken things inside me that I had an inkling existed but was never quite sure. Now I know that they definitely are there and I want to explore them more, to go deeper, further, harder.

I think.

Its certainly not a question of trust. I have found the perfect partner to explore these things with and I wouldn't even dream of going there with someone I didn't trust completely. Its a question of what other feelings might arise (so to speak). What could happen the further we go? How far CAN we go? What are the limits? Those questions both scare and exhilirate me.

So while I know there is for sure "something" there, I'm not quite sure what that "something" is. Its not tangible and is very difficult for me to even put into words what happened in my head while C-Man was owning me. There was nothing else outside of that leash and collar, that room, that bed, those hands, that cock, that voice, those commands, those slaps... It was just me and my head being led into a mental place I'd never delved that far into before. It was a letting go and just simply....being. It was a floating on some sort of erotic and psychological release.

I loved letting it all go and C-Man having his way, totally and completely. But I also loved fighting back, the struggle, the playing at resisting when what I really wanted was for him to overpower my resistance and deem it futile. That made something click inside me. The struggle, me losing, and then a rush of passion. As in, I wanted to fucking bite him. What the hell is that all about?

I suppose this may sound naive to anyone who is more experienced in such things but for me, its new and intriguing and depending on my mood, I want it more than anything, or I don't want it at all. Its confusing to me and makes perfect sense.

And in three weeks, C-Man is coming back to do it again.

xoxo,
Bella