brain turbulence

Life can feel so out of control. And that's when I crave to BE controlled the most. I'm fortunate to have found a partner who has been able and willing to give me some amazing submissive experiences lately, but real life logistics and events have precluded a very consistent outlet for this and will continue to do so. In the grand scheme of things, it's not important I suppose. But it is a strong want, dare I say a sexual need for me.

As alluded to, things have been crazy lately. I just returned from a much needed escape to visit Frances. It was lovely, as time with her always is. We did fun sexy things, and fun touristy things. She is an excellent hostess and I would have stayed another week if it had been possible.

I know I still haven't written about Mr. Man and my foray into a poly-esque relationship with new friends and I'm not sure how to go about that really, as it's been a roller-coaster of emotions and events. It has been a huge part of our lives these past few months and a continuous learning experience for all of us. I'd like to sort it all out in my head to relay some of it here. Soon, I hope.

Sometimes I truly feel like I'm falling apart. Today depression and panic hit me like the proverbial ton of bricks and I felt like I was losing my way. Which is much easier to do when you aren't sure what your "way" even is. I feel like I'm floating between lives yet not fully grounded in any. I fight against the often overwhelming urge to flee. So far I haven't, obviously, but I wonder if one day I will just snap and take off for Buenos Aires or at least across town.

Hey Bella, stop being such a fucking downer.

xoxo,
Bella

On my mind

Opening a relationship can be precarious, much like playing with fire. But I suppose everything comes with its own amount of risk. I know of more than one couple who have opened their marriage and BOOM, one party falls in love with someone they played with and things are forever changed. Be careful people. Watch your back. Pay attention. And while nothing is foolproof, it would be wise to consider the risks before going down the road to openness.

I've discussed this before, but my libido is completely dead lately. As a doornail. I'm actually going to the doctor about it Monday because I suspect its partly a medication issue that can be helped. That, and a body image issue and a self image issue and just a plethora of fucking (or not fucking, as the case may be) issues that remain unnamed. I don't want to be that spouse who never thinks about sex, never sucks her man off, never initiates naked time. I hate those spouses/partners, they actually make me angry. I know for me, this has always been a cyclical thing, but enough already. This particular iteration of the cycle needs to be over immediately. My heart and brain want it, my body doesn't give a shit.

I go to meet my new friend next week. I'm a bit worried that what I mentioned above will taint the weekend but I'm hoping to pull it together by then. I do think there is also a very good chance that this visit will shock my libido into action and I'll become an unstoppable sex machine. Now wouldn't that be nice? Stay tuned for pictures and recap that I hope we will post here and on Twitter. I make no promises of course but that is my hope. Oh one more thing about that, my new friend is female. How 'bout them apples?

Mr. Man and I are going out tomorrow night (if the babysitter doesn't bail). I believe the plans are a movie and I'm also going to spring a little shopping trip on him. Bella needs new panties and maybe a new piece of lingerie or two. See people, I am TRYING here. 

xoxo,
Bella

the curve of my ass and an update on the sexy

Another weekend gone, another week looming much too soon. Sometimes I feel like I live in an oversize hamster wheel that just keeps turning but stays in the same cage. Thanks for the thoughtful comments on my depression/punching folks in the face post. I don't like putting things so raw out there like that and I don't do it often, but sometimes you just gotta let it out. Since that post I've gotten better and then worse again. The brain is such a fucking bitch.

But enough of that. A couple of sexy things going on I wanted to update.

I mentioned on Twitter a few weeks ago that Mr. Man and I had gotten invited to a local house party. We talked it over and discussed pros and cons and in the end, decided that it wasn't the right thing for us right now. We have our reasons and it's not out of the question in the future. It turns out that our babysitter had to cancel on the night of the party anyway, so it wouldn't have worked out even if we had decided to go. This group has parties about once a month so its nice to know that we have the option in the future.

In other news, an exciting, fun trip has been planned for next month in which I will drive northward to meet a lovely new friend I've been chatting with a LOT lately. We have a hotel room booked for a weekend with the agreement for a no pressure, casual, lets see what happens meeting. If things go well, I hope to be able to share sexy stories and photos from the trip. So stay tuned! #nervousbella

Goodnight pervy people.
xoxo,
Bella

In which I politely punch people in the face

I've been acting weird lately. Well, its not weird to me as I totally called it before the holidays. I set myself up for it, expected it to happen. And it did, with an intensity that all of my pathetic mental preparations and pep talks could not phase.

I wish people would truly understand that like many things, depression is NOT a choice. It is an illness that I am doing everything I know how to cope with. I take medication, I go to therapy, I am exploring alternative ways of managing this curse. I am not being a passive sufferer here. And yet, I see and hear others say, "smile, just be happy", "its just PMS, you'll get over it", "think positive", and "there are people who have it worse off than you", etc. One day I will punch someone in the face who says that to me or another person like me and I'll do it with a smile and then will run away bawling. Because that's what we do, fake it until we just can't any more and then we break down. Rinse and repeat.

I have broken down this past week.

I remember being a kid and not understanding why my father would sit in silence in his chair next to the wood stove with his head in his hands. I would say "be happy Daddy, its not so bad". And he would just look at me with dark eyes. I understand now and I am sorry for minimizing his pain. The pain that I didn't believe was real until it begin to creep up on me with a vengeance in my 20s and has only continued to worsen into my next decade of life.

I don't chose to be a crazy emotional bitch who lashes out, sleeps as much as possible, walks around listless and teary, and can barely muster the energy to face the day and sometimes doesn't even do that much. I hide so much of it that what people see is only the very tip of a massive iceberg of aching that I cannot begin to explain. I don't know why I am this way, why this happens. I could blame it on genetics and really, that's as good of an explanation as I've got.

I don't think about ending my life. Well, ok, I have thought about it, but not in a serious way. I have a family and a child to live for and that's enough to keep me from tipping over the precipice. But I must say that I understand on some small level why and how those who are tired of suffering so much that doesn't make sense to them finally decide to just end it because trying to cope is not working and they see no other solution. Depression is a burden. A colossal load that one carries on their backs every day. On good days it feels lighter but on bad ones it crushes me to a near breaking point that I am terrified to ever fully reach.

This post is a plea for understanding which in reality, I think is near impossible. Maybe it is more an entreaty for patience. I know it's a pain in the ass to deal with me, to live with me, to be my friend sometimes. I swear to you that I do not want to be this way. I wouldn't wish this on anyone. And when the illness is minimized as a "mood", it only adds to the burden I already carry.

"If you are chronically down, it is a lifelong fight to keep from sinking"
- Elizabeth Wurtzel, Prozac Nation 

That's all I'm doing really. Just trying to keep from sinking.

xoxo,
Bella