when sex turns serious

I went to Cash's house a few nights ago. He had to work a bit but I hung out and met a sweet friend of his and watched him do his thing. Sexy in and of itself. Then he built a fire in the fireplace and the three of us hung out in the coziness and drank, talked, and Cash played the guitar and sang. Swoon. He finally went to grab a shower and I hung out with the friend and chatted for a while. It was lovely.

Finally, friend left and Cash and I adjourned upstairs to the bedroom.

You know what? This post isn't about the sex that was most certainly had. This really isn't a sexy post at all and it's very badly written if I'm honest. My apologies for that.

Things turned serious and we talked. Or rather, I let him talk. All I could do was be there for him while he let some very emotional things out. I felt helpless and heart broken. But glad that he feels comfortable enough with me to say those things and express those feelings. I do fear that he'll shut me out at some point and I do not want that at all. Life can be so shitty sometimes.

In lighter news, Cash's bff hit on me on OKC the other day without knowing who I was and that I know Cash and have a thing.  I let him go on for a bit before I informed him that I knew who he was and that I occasionally fuck his bestie. It was pretty funny. He was a good sport and we actually text a bit now and did the whole Facebook friend thing. He's a cool dude.

That is all.
xoxo,
Bella

"swinger's vacation", Part I

"I can't believe I'm going on my first swinger's vacation!" Frances cracks me up.

I was pretty anxious about a few issues. What if Mr. Man and Frances didn't hit it off in person? What if Frances's hubs (Bruno) and my hubs didn't get along? What if we were all stuck together for five days in a hot mess of awkward? Someone should tell me to stop being such a worry-puss. Because I'm happy to report that it went as great as a vacation of this sort could possibly go.

Frances and Bruno, arrived at our vacation city a day ahead of us, secured a rental car, and were kind enough to pick Mr. Man and I up at the airport. It'd been a while since I'd seen either of them and I was SO excited. The reunion was lovely and the four of us eased into conversation smoothly.

The sequence of events is jumbly in my brain and let's be honest, you're not here to read about our site seeing excursions. And believe it or not, we did a LOT of site seeing and exploring around town, just like any other group of friends who aren't swapping partners after vanilla vacation activities are over.

 

The ground rules were pretty basic...no four of us playing in the same room, and I was totally on board with that. Besides, we stayed in a kitchy hotel and our rooms were just a few doors down from each other so room switching was very convenient. But sadly, I can't report first hand on what went on between Mr. Man and Frances. I guess I will have to suggest that she write about that experience herself. Wink wink. 

Bruno surprised me by putting some moves on me first. I mean, we'd been together before but this still caught me off guard and was incredibly sweet. He and I went out to run a benign errand to CVS or some such and once back in the car, he caught me off guard and proceeded to lay one on me...the sweetest softest kiss. I repayed him later with a move of my own in the alley between the hotel and swimming pool. 

 

Spontaneous kissing with your bestie's husband is fun. 

xoxo,

Bella

happenin's

Hi all. I'm sitting in my kitchen knowing I should be asleep because tomorrow is another work day after all. But sleep is eluding me and my brain is busy, so here I am. 

A few things...

Cash is sick. Frighteningly sick. I'm hoping it's not as bad as he says the doctors say, or as bad as I suspect, but one can never tell about such things. I went to see him a couple of months ago and we had a sexy time as always, but his news definitely overshadowed things. We said "I love you's" more than usual and it was just sweet...bittersweet. I check in on him every week in what I'm sure is an annoying and overly-motherly way. I try to pass it off as flirty/sexy but am not always successful I'm sure. We've grown to be good friends (with benefits, yes, but plain ol' friends as well) and I care about him a whole big bunch. Worry worry.

I had lunch with Aaron today. We hadn't seen each other in a few months (he says six, I say one), and it is always the very best thing to hang with him, naked or not. The conversation was sexy and the company lovely. The feel I copped through his jeans on the ride back, and the kiss he stole before dropping me off? Fabulous. He's good people, that one.

"Met" someone interesting this past week, although so far it's only been via messaging and texts. Another musician. What is my deal with musicians? I am tone deaf and play no instruments, don't go to concerts or live music events very much and yet... I think it's the creativity aspect that attracts me. And in my opinion, all men substantially elevate their hotness level with a guitar strapped around their neck. Although that doesn't explain why a disproportionate number of men who approach me are musicians. But I digress. This man is interesting to talk to, funny, and attractive, but he hasn't seen my face yet. The conversation was progressing and he still hadn't asked to see my face, which I thought was odd because that's usually the first thing that comes up. When it finally did, he said the thought of meeting me in person, yet having never seen my face before the encounter, was really appealing to him. And when I stop and think about it, I kind of get that. As much as I'd like to think that my sarcastic wit and cynical humor are the reasons for holding his interest, I'm pretty sure he's just into the element of surprise. We plan to meet for coffee after I get back from vacation. Which brings me to....

Mr. Man and I are going on a week long vacation with another couple. I know both of them in the biblical sense and love them dearly. Mr. Man and I are meeting them in a state far away from our respective homes and we will explore the city for a few days and then they will fly home with us to stay at our abode for a few more days before heading back to their home. No pressure and no expectations, but play time is on the table. It will be a fun trip regardless and I'm really looking forward to just hanging out.

And now, bed.

xoxo,
Bella

dreams and regrets

Just woke up from a dream about the ex. That's twice this week. I''m guessing its because I'm going to one of "our" places on Friday night for a party and that's fucking with my brain.

Random side note: I hate the term "the ex" for him because it sounds so crass and empty.

Sometimes late at night my brain refuses to shut off and let me sleep and I just lie here and think. Tonight its him and that whole situation. Its been months now and I won't lie and say that the passing of time hasn't made things easier, because thankfully it has. But I still have regrets, for sure.

I regret how it all ended and all the bitterness and anger that mostly I caused. I made many mistakes and I can own them. I regret keeping secrets and the hurtful emails that blew it all up. I am truly sorry for all of that and if I could do it over I certainly would, and handle it entirely differently. But going back is impossible so you make peace with the present the best you can.

I regret that I ruined a great thing for Mr. Man. He connected so well with her and was so happy in that relationship. I do hope they still talk and keep in touch, I wish they would actually. She was good for him. We talk about it sometimes but always in brief, painful mentions.

I miss my friend and I regret that it ended the way it did and now there's just.....nothing. And that can be ok because I realize that we all move on and sometimes wonderful things end for necessary reasons.

Doesn't mean I don't regret the reasons.

Now to go back to sleep and dream about unicorns or something.

xoxo,
Bella

navigating connections

That first sentence especially speaks to me.

I've discovered over the past couple of years that I easily connect on an emotional level with different types of people. This is both a blessing and a curse I think. I have this wordy emo post in my mind about how past relationships have made me more cynical and have brought me to where I am today in the open marriage thing. Meaning, that I'm now trying to bring it back to being less about deep feelings and more about friendship and fun and no drama.

But then the Universe laughs and slaps you in the face and you again meet someone who deeply resonates with you. Someone you love spending time with and think about more than is probably good for you. It becomes as much about growing closer to that person and enjoying spending time just talking and hanging out as it does about the sex.
 
I'm seeing someone now like this and I do fear falling into that trap of feeling too much again and getting hurt. However, the situation is way different and the lessons learned in the past will serve me well, and I'm thankful for that. I do think that this could be great. A lifelong friendship that won't get kicked to the curb because of guilt or fear. He reminds me that I AM a good person. He brings out this nurturing, caring side of me that I really like, in tandem with the crazy, sexual, kinky side that I love about myself. I want to bake him casseroles (or at least throw a frozen pizza in the oven), while fucking his brains out.

I think the trick is to keep all things transparent and above board with frequent monitoring of the situation. Or is there a "trick"? Maybe its just life and we shouldn't over-think it so much. Or post about it on anonymous blogs. Heh.

xoxo,
Bella

the things I do for a couple of tomatoes

Spent the night with Cash. No sleeping occurred until I got home this morning. Luckily, I have the day off to recover. Staying up all night ain't as easy as it used to be.

He gave me some tomatoes from his garden this morning, thus prompting the following conversation with my PolitelyPerving bestie...Me: "He gave me tomatoes from his garden...Bella, hoeing herself for veggies"....PP: "Is that all it takes? I need to start taking tomatoes to the clubs. Just kidding. I don't go to clubs."...

Two things I love. A good pun ("hoeing", anyone?) and sexy friends to share them with. And tomatoes...my favorite vegetable.

xoxo,
Bella

one of those posts where I can't think of a title

Sometimes beautiful things get lost in the complications and messiness of life, sex, and relationships.

I respect that people handle things in different ways based on personality, experience, and all manner of other circumstances. That does not mean that I always get it. I don't understand how you can simply throw away an awesome friendship. I get the reasoning based on a messy past but I disagree with the solution of "sorry, best wishes". In my opinion, both parties are missing out on the awesome that is the other person. An awesome they both know very well exists. Its a total unnecessary shortchanging. But whaddaya gonna do? Inconsistency has always been the name of the game in this situation and I should not have been surprised. Best wishes indeed.

I missed out on an opportunity to see Aaron this week due to a work obligation. But plans are to make up for that very soon I hope. Dave asked to see me the other day but I wasn't in the mood. I am now in the mood however. I'm also itching to see Cash again for some reason. We had very tentative plans a couple of weeks ago and those fell through. But damn. I'm wildly physically attracted to him and as I've learned, attraction is a mysterious thing. The whos and whys are sometimes unexplainable. Attraction just IS.

I'm having lunch tomorrow with my very sweet and very sexy friend and first play partner ever. I respect boundaries but goddamn I'd like to play with him again. I'll settle for his friendship though and that's really not settling at all because his friendship is more valuable to me than anything else. He's good people.

Kiss me here.