dots

• I had intentions of taking some naughty holiday photos but life and circumstances haven't cooperated so far.
• Mr. Man and I went out last night. Nipple and clit clamps were purchased. The jury is still out as to whether these are gonna be my thing or not. 
• I'm excited for the whole Santa thing and seeing kiddo light up, but family illness has put a major damper on the holiday for me. I've been in tears all day. 
• Hot sex has happened lately.
• Sexy new friends have been made.
• I don't really consider it a "friendship" if I am the one making all the effort and initiating the contact all the time. This does not refer to those referenced in the above bullet. Therefore, I don't plan to invest any more effort into those types of relationships.
• Mr. Man is the love of my life. He just held me in silence when I needed it today.
• I have New Year's resolutions in my head that shall not be verbalized because I believe that is a surefire way to jinx yourself.
• "God" is really pissing me off lately.
• I hope your holiday is sexy and bright!

in which I get all Psychology Today on your asses

We all know how important sex is to a relationship. I mean, we are a community of sex bloggers after all. I suppose its my analytical nature, but sometimes I think about the psychology of sex, the thought processes behind it, why we do what we do, think what we think, want what we want, why did this situation end negatively and this one positively, etc, etc, good gawd I make myself sick.

A question for the men. Do you equate the amount of non-sexual intimacy given to your partner equal to the amount of actual sex you feel you should be having? By "non-sexual intimacy" I mean that mushy-gushy stuff your wife/partner loves, i.e., hand-holding, hugs, saying "i love you", giving an unsolicited rub of the shoulders, cuddling on the couch, just being close.

If it is generally true that the amount of sex decreases with marriage*, does it not also follow that the amount of non-sexual intimacy also decreases? And that raises yet another question...does the amount of non-sexual intimacy decline in a long term relationship and if so, which came first, the decline in said non-sexual intimacy or the decline in the actual sex? Is there an expectation, by the man, that he should be receiving more sex the more non-sexual intimacy that he gives his partner? Does he feel "owed" something for showing his affection for his partner in non-sexual ways? Does he have an agenda of sorts, even if that is subconsciously? Does he even think about this shit or is it just me? Don't answer that.

*I'm not saying it does, but I do agree that sex does change with marriage...the sexual shift as discussed in this article.

For me personally, the more non-sexual intimacy I receive (AND give), the more sex I want, and the more favorably I view it. Another way to put this is, the closer I feel to Mr. Man, the more I want to fuck him. On the other hand, I don't feel that I owe him sex that night just because he showed me affection during the day. Its not a bank account situation where he deposits a few minutes of hand-holding with one fuck to be cashed out later. (And I'm not saying he does this, by the way.) Its more of a cumulative thing, the closer I feel to Mr. Man overall, the more sex I want to have, overall. "Overall" being the key word there, if you didn't notice.

Side note that just occurred to me...For either gender, does sex = intimacy? I think it does sometimes but not EVERY time. And maybe it does more often for the male? Slam bam thank you ma'am sex does not intimacy make, in my opinion, although there is definitely a time and place for that. Which goes along with the fact that there are different types of sex, the quickie, the romantic, etc. Sex can serve as intimacy but doesn't have to. End side note before my brain explodes.

I know this isn't a revolutionary topic and each person's perspective depends on their individual experiences, but you know what would be really cool? If a male would candidly write about this from his point of view. And a gazillion thoughtful males probably have, but I've been too busy analyzing something ad nauseam to notice.

And now, my overtaxed brain must rest. In a non-sexually intimate way. Because I just wanted to use that phrase one last time.

Har har. Peace out.
xoxo,
Bella

straddling the fence

One of the things I love most about New York City is how you can be surrounded by millions of people but still retain the highest sense of anonymity. As the product of a small town, this was painfully NOT the case for me growing up. From birth till about senior year of high school, I didn't really know any better. I just assumed that's the way it was and was used to everyone knowing what I was doing, where I was supposed to be and when I was supposed to be there, and reporting questionable behavior to my parents. Not that there was any of the later since I was "brainwashed" into being a goody-two-shoes and never gave my parents much grief. Until that senior year in high school and I started thinking for myself a bit more.

I suppose being a goody-two-shoes isn't such a bad thing as a child and adolescent, but when the expectations of others encroach upon an adult figuring out things for themselves and exploring who they really are and who they want to be, then I think it becomes a problem. It has for me even to this day and I'm in my mid-thirties. The more I come to realize (with the help of therapy and more exposure to people and things different from my youth) just how much of an inner conflict my years of childhood and early adolescence have caused my adult self, it makes me increasingly sad and compounds my feeling of loneliness and mental turmoil. 

In its simplest form, the conflict is this...my parents (and others close to me in my "former" life) have expectations of me that they assume I am/will pass along to my own child. These are based on a strict, very conservative religious background and beliefs that they assume I still hold true. The problem is that I am not sure that I do, pretty sure I don't actually. Yet my hesitation in cutting ties with these beliefs is the question that constantly looms over my head..."what if they are RIGHT?" What if I go my own way and I screw up badly? Not only myself, but my precious child? And so I feel confined and continue to play the role of obedient and faithful daughter in their presence while letting what I feel is a truer version of myself show on this blog and with certain trusted friends, etc. Its a double life that wears on me and causes a great deal of stress and angst.

To be clear, I love my parents with all my heart and they are good people. It would break their hearts to know their daughter isn't who they think she is or should be. This both angers and saddens me. So I continue to straddle the fence of good Christian girl who is a Devil in bed and other choice places. Its easy to say "hey Bella, grow a pair and do your own thing, you're a grown woman for fucks sake!" I say this to myself all the time, trust me. The roadblock is twofold...the question above, "what if they're right?", and not wanting to crush my parents and cause them grief.

Another thought that just occurred to me...its not like I want to reveal all to the family...I don't feel the need to tell them about my lifestyle choices or that I like to be spanked or any of the stuff you lucky readers are privy to here. That would just be weird and unnecessary. I just want to feel freer to explore other options in spirituality without feeling like they have doomed me to hell. To not feel like I have to hide the liqueur when they come over, to stop feeling guilty if I'm not warming a pew in church every Sunday morning (or ANY Sunday morning).

Its ridiculous really, this fence straddling thing I'm doing. And yet, I can't seem to commit fully to either side.

xoxo,
Bella
 

bullet style

• I'm glad I didn't delete this blog. I came so close to doing just that. But as a friend told me today, I will be glad that its here as an outlet for me, even if I take breaks from it sometimes. 
• Its been a melancholy day and I've been tearful for much of it. 
• I got the greatest text today. I want to frame it and keep it for always. It said, "Somewhere in an alternate universe, you and I are fucking the shit out of each other right now. In Paris." Romantic? Not so much. Perfect words for me at the perfect time? Most definitely.
• I've spent some time tonight perusing your lovely sexy dirrrrrrty blogs and wow, there is so much I want to read! Who has the time?!?!
• I miss Mr. Man. I want him to come in here right now and hug me and hold me and tell me he loves me and isn't mad at me. I want to feel connected to him again. Ugh. Sometimes real life sucks. 

Things seem to be changing somehow. I think for the better but then again, I'm never certain.

Mr. Man and I are in a good, dare I say great, place. Our sex has been frequent and a bit spicier lately. I did discuss him fucking me on his desk at work, right? But did I mention the blow job I gave him in the park last week? We've also been discussing our lifestyle choices and agree that if we want to continue exploring this, that all we have to do is make more of an effort. We've updated photos and our profile on a swinger site and have been more openly talking about such things lately. I'm not sure if anything tangible will progress in that regard but its nice to think and talk about with him. It makes me feel closer to him and that's something I had been missing.

Outside of those aspects, things are not so spicy. And that is ok right now. C-Man and I aren't exactly simpatico lately and I'm not sure where that relationship is going. We grew very close and his friendship means a lot to me. But things have become muddled somehow. Its a complicated thing he and I have created, perhaps to our detriment. We each want different things and neither of us are willing, nor should we have to, compromise on these things for the other one. I value what we had together and am fortunate to have found someone I trusted to explore a bit of BDSM. If we end things, I will miss that and am not sure where or if I'll be able to find it again. But I am asking myself if the value of that is worth the strain caused by other issues. 

I'm fortunate to be able to hang out with 13 Messages a lot lately. We seem to have found a schedule that works nicely and have enjoyed some late movies and a few beers in recent weeks. While its not in the cards for us to play together these days, I very much enjoy discussing life and sexy things with him. However, I must add that it is only via a massive amount of willpower and respect for boundaries that keeps me from straddling him in a dark movie theater.

You may now consider yourself updated on all things sexy in the life of Bella.

xoxo,
Bella

serious and sexy things

In spite of my last post about balance, there have been some sexy things going on as well.

Mr. Man and I have had some hot sex in the past couple of weeks (even a session in an empty house with no worries about waking kiddo and the fact that I could be as loud as I wanted to was very freeing. I may have scared the dog however.) Mr. Man knows just how to touch me and is a patient, sexy man. Also, Best.Backrubs.Ever.

I know I've said this before but life is hard, married life is harder and married life with kid(s) is even more so. Work, child rearing, bill paying, laundry folding, and all of those everyday routine things can get in the way of romance and couple time. I want to do much better with not taking Mr. Man for granted or overlooking things that he does for our family. Our marriage and family unit is the most important thing and I want it to remain as strong as possible. If that means that at some point we need to halt this "arrangement" that we have, I will not hesitate to do so. I love him so much and sometimes I wonder if we are doing more harm than good with some of the decisions that we've made and are making. I want to feel closer to him, not more distant. That's been on my mind a lot lately.

That said, I was lucky enough to have some brief, but very steamy playtime with C-man and M yesterday. M was witness for the first time to the dramatic show that I call "Bella's Orgasm Via Vibrator". Poor thing, I hope I didn't scar her for life. She and I also got a bit of girl time in, which was quite lovely even though I'm still not really sure what I'm doing in that regard. But I definitely enjoy being a student of how to please a woman. Wink wink. It was also confirmed that I still immensely enjoy being the sub to C-man's Dom. There are so many places and levels consensual parties can take that scene...its an intense thing.

Speaking of Domination, the new spreader bar and ankle cuffs I recently purchased didn't see any action but I'm hoping to lure Mr. Man into Bella's Dungeon O' Love very soon to try them out with me. I think the pink spreader bar and complementary pink cuffs will look pretty damn hot with my black waist cincher/corset. It looks good in my head anyway.

Ok sexy people, my eyes are crossing from tiredness and sleepy-time is beckoning. Sweet dreams.

xoxo,
Bella