Joe

This town and it's hot musicians y'all. I can't even stand it sometimes. Just when my cynicism about the state of the open/poly/non-monogamous male population reaches a peak, along comes a total sweetheart like Joe. It's been several months ago that we met on OKC and I honestly can't even remember what our first conversation was like but I think I'm the one who messaged him first. Maybe. Even that's foggy. He just seems to have always been around. 

I do remember our first meeting however. Lunch at a local bar. I walked in and there he was, in all his blue-eyed, bearded glory. Sometimes you just get a good feeling about someone and I liked Joe immediately. I do remember that rush of nervous awkwardness within the first few minutes of introductions and initial conversation*. Then food arrived and maybe a beer but I don't remember. We talked about our jobs, relationships, our open/poly marriages and how different experiencing that and being that in the South versus "out West" can be. 

There's always this pause after a meal or a drink when you wonder if the connection is mutual, what happens next, etc. All these thoughts happen in a matter of seconds. In this case the next step was an obvious "I'd like to see you again, how about a walk right now?" And so we did. We walked around a nearby park, peeked through a fence at a guitar shaped pool (it was on Music Row, after all), and then got snuggly on a park bench for the next half hour. After it was obvious that we both wanted this to go further, Joe was openly affectionate. As my tweet says, he is a hand-holding, back-rubbing, arm-around-your-shoulders, hand-on-the-small-of-your-back, kissing kind of guy. That kind of physicality in public is not really Mr. Man's style, so I welcomed the refreshing intimacy of it. 

Since that first meeting many months ago, we've seen each other semi-regularly but not nearly as much as either of us would like. There have been several hot and heavy make-out sessions in the car, blowjobs, sexting, sweet dinner and lunch dates, and I even played groupie and went to one of his shows. Due to logistical circumstances, we didn't have sex for what seemed like forever. It was glorious torture. Finally schedules and stars aligned and we got a hotel room for a night. Whew. There's nothing like sex for the first time with a new person. Does that sounds slutty? Fuck it. I own my sexuality and I love it. 

He spent the winter months in a state far away but we texted throughout. I'm happy to report that we reconnected when he got back and have since enjoyed each others company several times. Ahem. He's good. Very good. He takes his time and knows what he's doing. For the record, vaginal massage is a thing....that he knows how to do.

So that's Joe. Here's to nice guys with beards who enjoy sex as much as I do.

*Meeting someone new for the first time in this capacity is scary, and a rush. It just is. I'm holding that thought for another post about the psychology of that event.

in which I get all Psychology Today on your asses

We all know how important sex is to a relationship. I mean, we are a community of sex bloggers after all. I suppose its my analytical nature, but sometimes I think about the psychology of sex, the thought processes behind it, why we do what we do, think what we think, want what we want, why did this situation end negatively and this one positively, etc, etc, good gawd I make myself sick.

A question for the men. Do you equate the amount of non-sexual intimacy given to your partner equal to the amount of actual sex you feel you should be having? By "non-sexual intimacy" I mean that mushy-gushy stuff your wife/partner loves, i.e., hand-holding, hugs, saying "i love you", giving an unsolicited rub of the shoulders, cuddling on the couch, just being close.

If it is generally true that the amount of sex decreases with marriage*, does it not also follow that the amount of non-sexual intimacy also decreases? And that raises yet another question...does the amount of non-sexual intimacy decline in a long term relationship and if so, which came first, the decline in said non-sexual intimacy or the decline in the actual sex? Is there an expectation, by the man, that he should be receiving more sex the more non-sexual intimacy that he gives his partner? Does he feel "owed" something for showing his affection for his partner in non-sexual ways? Does he have an agenda of sorts, even if that is subconsciously? Does he even think about this shit or is it just me? Don't answer that.

*I'm not saying it does, but I do agree that sex does change with marriage...the sexual shift as discussed in this article.

For me personally, the more non-sexual intimacy I receive (AND give), the more sex I want, and the more favorably I view it. Another way to put this is, the closer I feel to Mr. Man, the more I want to fuck him. On the other hand, I don't feel that I owe him sex that night just because he showed me affection during the day. Its not a bank account situation where he deposits a few minutes of hand-holding with one fuck to be cashed out later. (And I'm not saying he does this, by the way.) Its more of a cumulative thing, the closer I feel to Mr. Man overall, the more sex I want to have, overall. "Overall" being the key word there, if you didn't notice.

Side note that just occurred to me...For either gender, does sex = intimacy? I think it does sometimes but not EVERY time. And maybe it does more often for the male? Slam bam thank you ma'am sex does not intimacy make, in my opinion, although there is definitely a time and place for that. Which goes along with the fact that there are different types of sex, the quickie, the romantic, etc. Sex can serve as intimacy but doesn't have to. End side note before my brain explodes.

I know this isn't a revolutionary topic and each person's perspective depends on their individual experiences, but you know what would be really cool? If a male would candidly write about this from his point of view. And a gazillion thoughtful males probably have, but I've been too busy analyzing something ad nauseam to notice.

And now, my overtaxed brain must rest. In a non-sexually intimate way. Because I just wanted to use that phrase one last time.

Har har. Peace out.
xoxo,
Bella